BTW Paul & I have ended after 15 days. I don't even acknowledge that relationship. It just didn't mean anything to me. We weren't right for each other. It just didn't go.I'm sorry for wasting his time.

If I Could Take It Back..

There's just so much I want to tell you. I want to text you so badly. It's killing me. I want to tell you 3 little words- "I Miss You." But then again, I want to text you everything that's been on my mind. I want you there for me again. I just want you.

But I can't have you. I refuse to bother you. I mean you have a new girlfriend now, and your life seems to be going so well. I mean it seems like you two love each other after less than a week of going out or maybe the facebook posts are just deceiving me.

My greatest mistake has got to be giving up on you. I know you would never do that to me and that's just another reason why you don't deserve someone like me.

We talked normally last Friday. He has no idea how much it meant to me. I cannot believe I had the courage to start a conversation with him. I kept repeating the line I was going to say to him over and over in my head. To be honest, I didn't even know I was going to be in the same room as him, I mean I had the slightest hint I might see him but I wasn't thinking anything much of it. I said, "that's the sweatshirt that.." he knew what I was talking about. That green sweater.. that interesting day in the spring.

The day I took him to Village Greens for the first time & we went on the swings. I was on the swing and he was facing me & of course I remember wearing my aviators and he was in shorts and that green sweater. He were talking to me and "smart" me decided to start swinging on the swing not knowing that one of the pockets of his sweater was hooked on my swing. And that's how his left pocket broke. Lol it makes me laugh just thinking about it.

Well, he seemed to remember and he even kind of showed me his pocket from where he was. & it's still broken ! I was going to fix it too ! Lol ! I don't know why this amuses me so much but it does.

It meant that much more to me that he was telling me about PT & exercises and just everything. I really enjoyed catchup. I was actually really interested in hearing all those things. I was even more surprised that he was so willing to speak to me & that he had so much to say to me. It has given me some sick hope that I've been holding onto for the past couple days & still hold onto.

If I were to text him, I'd tell him that I keep thinking about what my life would be like with him still in it. I keep imagining us still a couple, still together, and still happy. I'd tell him that he was absolutely correct that night when we were fighting on my step & he wanted me to make the decision between a party and himself. I would miss a zillionbillionsextillionshwillionmillion, basically a gigantic number, of parties just for a few hours to hangout with him. To be in his arms and speak to him & learn more about each other & adventure and laugh with him, and dance with him, and absolutely kiss him. To tell each other "i love you" between kisses. Just experience sweet euphoria with him. To gain solace from being in his arms again & never letting go. That'd be perfect. I'd like to tell him that I keep trying to impress him and I don't even know why. I keep wanting to see him at certain places.

I tell myself that I should just wait until July 9th and most likely after that when he is in bootcamp. I believe that I pinky promised him that I would send him letters. I've been going over in my head everything that would be in the letter. I don't expect him to write back to me, I have less hope that the letter would even be received by him. But still, I'd like to try. I'd like to be there for him. I know how much it means to him & I want to hear all his progress. I like hearing it. It's weird how much I like love hearing how much he keeps improving himself. His capacity for not giving up on things, it's something I truly admire.

I keep wishing that I'd done things so much differently. I hate that he gave me full control in deciding the fate of our relationship. We were so fed up with each other and he was absolutely right that we only needed some time apart from each other. We just ended. I can't believe I ever thought that I could just get over him, just forget him. We didn't need anyone else. I don't need anyone else. Just him. I keep thinking about how everything would just be different with him & at times all I wish is for us to be together again & for all the bad to have never have happened. It has been all my fault. & maybe he truly is better off without me.

All I ever wanted was for him to be happy but I cannot believe that I truly wanted him to be happy with me.