Time & time again I am reminded that I am a terrible person. I am reminded of how manipulative I myself can be. If it weren't so then I assume most of the problems that arise in my relationships would not reoccur.
I haven't treated you fairly. You say you are upset because of how much you've wanted me to change meanwhile I keep changing you. In relationships you gotta make sacrifices and you gotta grow together. Us changing each other for what we think is the better is the whole point of being in a relationship because you allow your significant other to become the person you know they can be. I know it's not easy being blamed for something you've done wrong but for me it's just as hard to place the blame on someone other than myself. In the end I didn't give you enough attention alas you wouldn't search for it in other people. You wouldn't say the things you did to someone else if I was truly there for you. We both didn't know what was going on. I don't know why I turned so mad about everything. I didn't want you to feel hated for everything that you did but moreso and moreso I wanted you to listen. I didn't want you to keep brushing the things I was trying to explain to you off and as frustration turned to angst I didn't use you to help myself. I don't even remember what outlets I used to help myself. In the process I dug you into a whole 10 feet deep that I didn't give you the tools to get out of. And I'm here to bring things from worse to even worse because I can't control my insecurities. They won't stay at bay. And I can hardly bring myself to words when it comes to making things better.
All I do is feel.
I feel off.
I feel bothered.
I feel disappointment.
But granted you must feel worse. And I'm not trying to compare us too much although that is such a hypocritical statement because I certainly am, I want things to get better and I want us to not feel so bad. I want for you to not hate me. I know I can't hate you because you have the greatest of hearts and as uncertain as I may be I'm certain you wouldn't want to hurt me. I'm usually wrong about that statement but I'm not going to give up thinking that people aren't trying to purposely hurt others. Things you said have put into perspective that I don't know you as well as I thought I did and that is just something I'm going to have to learn. I'll never know you as much as I truly want to. I'll never be remarkable or perfect. I'll be there to mess things up. I'll be there to keep you uncertain. I'll be there to make u feel terrible. I'm not the greatest of people and I'm certainly not the greatest of girlfriends.
Here's to being unrelenting.
