guilty conscience

I am currently talking to him and I just think it's a wee bit funny that he may just feel a bit guilty. When you read this you might realize that he got a bit defensive and I could only imagine why. Lol. Aha!


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Whatta flawless cover-up. Too bad I know certain things. Whoopsie :3

Nights, Days, and All that's In-Between

Okay so there are a few things I must go over. I’ll just start from 4/19 to tonight….

                So on 4/19 all was well. Josh and I were talking and everything seemed fine and dandy but I felt like I should mention something to him. I didn’t have to tell him this or anything but I felt as if I should and I wanted his opinion.

This ensued:

I couldn’t believe he’d say this to me. He just became a complete jerk-off. He didn’t allow me to explain myself, ask me any questions whatsoever, and basically it just seemed as if he didn’t care. Obviously he didn’t because for the next 4 days we didn’t talk. I couldn’t believe him though.  I did it for an experience. I did it because I’ve always been curious of this sort of thing. I’d like to have at least once seen “what it’s all about.” This doesn’t make me a pothead. It doesn’t change who I am as a person. I wasn’t going to be that annoying person to text people all out of it and blast it in everyone’s faces. No. I just did it because I was comfortable with those I’d be doing it with and I just wanted to have a little fun.

                On 4/20 right after school I took the bus with Lucia to her house. Then we met up with Emily and Evelyn and we saw the movie “The Lucky One.” I really enjoyed it. The main character was a marine (cough cough) and the girl he liked performed the greatest during her cross country high school track career (just happens to be my favorite season). I loved seeing how attached two people may become. It’s one thing I appreciate about love stories/movies. You can just feel/see/hear the passion running through each character. You feel a lasting connection, or at least I did. Then we went back to Evelyn’s and she made the special brownies. That night I had around 5-6 brownies and at first I didn’t feel it. Later on though it definitely came to me. I felt something weird in my throat like an air bubble or something and I couldn’t help but want to laugh, all the time! It was terrible. I laugh so much as it is that when I was watching videos of 4/20 the next day and I just don’t understand what I thought was so funny. Sometimes though I laugh because I’m enjoying myself.  It’s just something I’m always doing. ((Call me weird)) Also after watching videos of myself and my friends I realized that my voice became very high-pitched. I’ve never been high before and I felt a little light-headed. I functioned quite normally, well to the best of my ability. I saw, heard, smelled, and felt everything that was going on around me and I could remember everything the next day, which mind you was a race- Big Blue. :X I had a lot of energy but Evelyn wanted to sleep at around 9! I was just perishing I wanted to do something, anything! My other friend Lucia, the entire night she became extremely paranoid at me and kept yelling at me and calling me a spy and whatnot. I think she realized that I was taping us tehe. Ya know it was an experience. Would I ever do it again? Maybe but definitely not anytime soon. Maybe next year, maybe in a few years, maybe never even.  It’s something I can live without and be completely content with.

                The thing that made me most upset about the whole Josh situation was just the fact that he shut me out so quickly. With less than a handful of words, he wasn’t there for me. Most friends of mine, regardless of whether they disagreed or agreed with my decision, were are least there for me. They gave me whatever advice they could. They gave me their opinions which is all I really wanted. They didn’t just stop talking to me. All I know is I know he was unhappy about it. I know he’s unhappy or angry when his texts miraculously contain correct punctuation. His almighty periods change the entire tone of his texts.  He told me he was skeeved out. He had the audacity to talk to one of my close friends, the next day after he said the rude things he did, telling her that what I was about to do is a turn-off. He couldn’t even talk to me about this. He didn’t make any effort to see me or anything. “And so be it,” I figured. He could go behind my back and talk all this stuff about me a lot of the time just what is the point of it? That’s not going to change anything really. It just makes me think of him as a snitch. I wasn’t going to not do it because of him. I can have my own fun. After knowing that he said things behind my back I showed some friends his texts and they said things along the lines of “he’s a dick” “he’s a jerk” and “how could he say that to you?”.   My friend that he told that to also went off on him. She says she yelled at him calling him a hypocrite. I mean he used to smoke. I wasn’t going to smoke. I also found out that same day he was with kids that were going to and he had some on him. I don't see how that's fair in any way. What I was doing was different but still. I understand that that’s not something he does anymore and would probably not resort back to but cmon why go off on me so harshly?

Then I received this text:

                Of course I’ve missed him. He’s one person I just can’t stop thinking about. It bothered me sosososo much that we didn’t talk or see each other. I was just thinking “great, he’s not going to talk to me ever again.” I figure I deserve someone who’ll be there for/with me through anything but hey no that’s not possible, what kind of sick dream is that? Throughout those 4 days I would envision matters I wanted to tell him or show him and then would hold myself back. It was absolutely terrible. I knew I shouldn’t text him, especially first back. How could I talk to him when I’m just going to bother him by continuing this so called ‘twice ended’ conversation? But I was soso happy he finally texted me you have no idea. I did know that I had to let him know what I really felt, and I did. He didn’t have much to say though :| I’d have liked him to ask me about my experience or at least how I felt.

                This week was just very busy for me. It was filled with NHS practices, the last spring series race, Penn Relays, National Honor Society, and then today.

                Penn Relays was fun! Of course I enjoy the time I spend with the track girls. It’s impossible not to be happy around them. They’re a ball of fun and they’re all amazing. Each and every one of them (well not everyone but mostly) make my time spent extremely special and enjoyable.  Coming back from Penn Relays, Brianna and I went straight to NHS. During the ceremony, my parents sat there like lumps. My grandma wasn’t even there. :( My bestfriend, Kaitlyn’s parents were taking pictures of her (and me!) during the ceremony. They actually made me feel special. They congratulated me and everything. My parents, one of the first things they told me was yelling at me for what I was wearing and criticizing that I went for a cookie and cake (didn’t have any real food the entire day!). They didn’t ask me how my trip went. They wanted me to just leave. Then they go on to ask me what I missed in school. I also was lectured on picking up my grades as usual. I had so much work to complete and they told me that getting into NHS is a tough process. It includes not only grades but service and leadership. My parents however can’t even acknowledge my progress. I don’t do it for them. I do it for myself but still, they treat it as if all I do is go out and not do any hard work at all. I’m up late at nights doing homework, spending time away from my delightful bed to get my work done.  I had a PowerPoint presentation to complete, an English and physics test the following day, a Spanish dialogue to memorize, and math homework to complete. Sometimes I question how I handle everything and then I just remember that I must. In the real world (because the world I’m living in is currently such a fantasy) supposedly there are no do-overs, assignment must be completed, tasks are tremendous, and it’s all up to you. That is why I take the time out to do all that I can now. I’ve always valued a strong work ethic and I take pride in how responsible I am.

Today was just an interesting day (4/27).  I heard something I didn’t quite want to hear but I needed to know. My bestfriend Brittany showed me texts that Josh texted her the day before at around 12 which at that time he was talking to me but he stopped. He texted her this big paragraph that went along the lines of ‘I know this beautiful girl and her name’s Brittany and I really like her and want to make her happy and wish she felt the same way back” or something completely gay like that. It honestly shocked me. I couldn’t believe it. He’s told me some things like this before. I see girls all over his wall on facebook and stuff but I’ve never really felt any competition against any of them, I just I guess I assumed that he liked me more than he really does. I could only imagine how many other girls he says this to. It just made me feel so stupid. Brittany was sorry for telling me this but I’m glad she did, if I didn’t know I’d just be such a complete idiot. I actually felt betrayed. I’ve felt jealous before but yep I definitely felt an immense green monster bursting out inside of me.  I know that we aren’t going out, he has full control of his life, I don’t claim him and we don’t have each other. But why chuck hearts and “I love you"'s at me and say all these things and flirt with me when you’re flirting with other girls. I felt terrible. I felt used. I don’t know how to explain it but I felt as if I’m just one girl within a set which just happens to be there for him at that given moment. The thing is he’s hooked up with a ton of girls, I bet he talks to a ton of girls. I’d be stupid not to think he does. But why the hell do I care so much? One of my friends asked me why this bothered me so much. My other friend was astonished she was just saying do you see what he looks like how could he even get so many girls? It made me want to not text him and I figured I absolutely could not text him first after this. If he wanted anything to do with me he’d have to actually make an attempt. It makes me feel tied to a web of some sort. I have no intention of escaping either. I shouldn’t pull myself further into it but it’s as if I want the spider to come kill and eat me first. The things you don’t want to hear but can’t stop nor change or unhear, that stuff can hurt.  

At track we ran to Idaho and then my coach Mr. Lopez bought the girls who showed up to the Friday practice Ralph’s ices and then we walked (some) and ran back to Tottenville. It was great. Afterwards we got out around 4 and was waiting for the bus I tell you more than an hour! I ran to catch the bus and ended up catching a 55, and then another 55 came by. A 56 came and then when it was around 25meters away it turned into a 55. It was just awful! I was supposed to go home, change, get rid of my bags, get some things ready, and then go to my bestfriend Lauren’s house. My phone died before I even got on the bus and I had to borrow a random girl’s phone just to message her telling her I was going straight to her house.

This is the 2nd time I am writing this. My 1st one deleted on me and so this one I am sure will not be as great. Ughhhhh

Anyways wherever I left off I am happy C: However things are going now, I’m happy they’re going.

Right now it’s spring break. I had an extremely eventful 1st day/night of Spring Break. During the day I donated blood for the 1st time. I had to get both my middle fingers pricked because my blood wasn’t coming out. Turns out those who eat raisins and veggies and fruits have more iron in their bloodstream which causes their blood to clot better. At least now I know that in a life or death situation I’d be better off. As everyone sat upright during their blood donating I was laid down. The lady said it was because I was 16 and small. I asked her what planet she was on that she thought I was small. She was like your arms/wrists and body is small! I couldn’t believe her. It kinda made my day. She said I was small for the donating world. Supposedly the procedure was only supposed to take 5-20mins but it took me around 45mins-1hr. I kept pumping but my blood would come out slowly. I believe I donated a pint of blood. I was also rushing because I actually wanted to take my physics test but I ended up missing it :( No worries I took it later on that day. Apparently after donating blood you can’t workout for 48hrs so no track practice for me and it was cancelled anyways. I ended up going to the mall with Emily and Evelyn and then grabbing some unbaked St. Patty’s day Pillsbury cookies and making them and completely eating them all ((they were veddy delicious)) :3. After this Evelyn and I decided we needed to go for a walk. We walked from Mike’s Place in Annadale to the Conference House all the way in Tottenville which is about 5.2mi from 6:30-8:30 which is about 2hrs! We had to pee really badly on the way so we were forced to go in a gas station and let’s just say never forget to bring tissues with you. Ever. It was purely disgusting! Once we got to the Conference House we had to pee again and we went to Egger’s and bought some candy and used their actually clean bathroom. It was beautiful. Anyways later on we met up with Josh and his cousin, Brandon. Evelyn and I both thought that Josh’s cousin was hot. Not saying that I don’t think Josh is hot, oh he is but still. I’ve heard quite a few stories about him and never got to meet him and actually got a chance to meet him today. So we ended up walking to the train that way Evelyn and I could make it back to her car. Evelyn’s bro Oscar picked us up from the station and on our way to the car he raced this hot guy in the car next to us. Of course the hot guy won but still it was really quite amusing.

Then we go back and pick up Josh and Brandon. We brought them back to Evelyn’s. There we did quite a bit of drinking. We had Coconut Ciroc vodka followed by rum and then finishing it with some classy merlot. Lol. Josh got really drunk. He wanted to. He got really happy and turned into
someone completely not himself, I just didn’t like it. He aggravated me. Throughout the whole night I wouldn’t really believe that he was “drunk.” I felt like he was putting on this whole show. By the end of the night he hit me in the face 4x and proposed to me twice. He would make out with mid-air and when he would kiss me it would be so sloppy that I didn’t want to kiss him at
all. Some of the things he would say I just didn’t want to listen to. He would just say the most ridiculous things. I mean sure some of it was amusing but I really didn’t enjoy it. Oscar and Brandon were better off and were able to take care of themselves. I mean he was really happy so I’m glad but still. I think he’s way funnier and such a better person when he’s sober. My favorite moment of the night had to be singing in the backseat with Brandon when Evelyn was driving the two of them home. Josh was sleeping and it was the one time when I wasn’t worrying about him as much and just enjoying myself. I didn’t have to worry about any of his drunk actions either.

The next morning I got around 6 messages from Josh saying he was sorry about the night before. I told him it’s fine I mean I figured it was just a one night thing. I don’t think I ever want to experience him drunk ever again though. It’s just not fun, well for me it’s not. On Friday I went bowling with the trackies and then to the mall and then back to chichi’s and watched the original American Pie while eating dominos tehe. Evelyn came over and then we left together. We ended up picking up Josh and Brandon from the movies after they saw American Reunion. We didn’t know where to go or what to do :/ We could’ve gone back to Evelyn’s but we didn’t really want a repeat of the night before and also Evelyn had plans but they were pushed back later. We ended up driving aimlessly to the Conference House and chilling there for a bit.

Okay my personal opinion: I dislike PDA. If I’m with a group of people I don’t like anyone feeling left out or making anyone feel awkward or anything like that. If it’s super quiet in a car I don’t think that’s the best time to kiss someone. Not saying I don’t want to I just think that there’s a
better time for that. Like when you’re one-on-one with that person or in private or surrounded by people who you aren’t socializing with. But Josh didn’t like that. Later on that night he texted me saying thanks for wanting my cousin or something like that. Ok I thought his cousin was cute but no. I wouldn’t go for his cousin. That’s ridiculous! I sat in the backseat to be with him. I had Evelyn drive me/us around the past 2 days for him. I wanted to see/be with him before he went to Florida. The thing is that when we were in her car talking some of the stuff I already knew Josh’s experiences/opinions on and I wanted to hear Evelyn’s and Brandon’s. After that ittybitty scuffle things did get better though. By the end of the night I called Josh babe C: I just felt like it was right.

Anyways things are great. I’m soso happy we are back in each other’s lives. We even told each other we loved each other. Sometimes I actually get bored during our conversations though. I get tired of the repetitive hearts and kissy faces and miss yous. Don’t get me wrong I like them
but I just feel like I’m always seeing them! Sometimes I really wish that he’d just ask me questions. I feel like I’m the only one actually trying to talk about something different. I feel like I actually want to get to know him and not talk about the same thing all the time. Sometimes I feel like not talking to him for an entire day so we’d actually have something to talk about the next day, how bad is that!? Sometimes I don’t tell him things in hopes that maybe he’ll ask me about them but he never seems to ask or anything. Like I previously give a general answer in hopes that he’ll ask me about anything. It could be any question from something as small as “what are you doing tomorrow?” to just a random question or something, I don’t know I’d just really like that. I
especially hate the one word answers or when he says “hmm” I never feel like answering those but of course I do anyways. It’s weird that I actually want the conversation going even though sometimes I feel like I’m engaging in it the most.

But I’m happy with the way things are. I really am. <3