When I'm not feeling sad, I'm angry. When I'm not feeling sad or angry, I'm feeling confused. These three emotions have basically consumed by entire spring break this year. I lay here drinking what's left of a bottle of cranberry and rum and another bottle of cranberry and brandy and I can't help but feel so pathetic. I spent so much time on you. I thought you actually loved me too. What a fool I was. For putting all of myself into someone. Someone I should've known would leave. I mean you left your ex of what two months why wouldn't you lose feelings for some girl of seven. I'm so dumb. I'm so done. I'm forced to keep moving forward. I just don't know, don't really want to either.

I get to come to campus a single girl... yippee... hooray... I'm just soooooooo excited. 

Well just hope you're happy. That's what matters and without me I'm sure you are. I bet you're a million times happier. Sorry to keep you from that. My sincerest apologies. 

I. D.o.n.T.K.n.o.w

I don't understand.  I wish I had you here laying besides me, possibly giving me a back-massage. But where are you? You claimed you would always be here for me. But you don't even want to be. It's just so sad.

Disaster

Whose heart do you think broke harder? Honestly I'd just like your opinion. You consume my mind. All of it. Every crevice in its entirety. I crave your love, I crave feeling as if you want me and love me and are happy with me because I have the ability to make you happy. It saddens me that you won't even fight for me, in any minuscule way, you know how much I'd appreciate it. But you don't even want to do that for me. Do I not give you enough in return? Just why? I wish to go to a place and find all the feelings you lost for me, somewhere where you're not wishing to pull away from me but to appreciate and love me and accept me. I guess I just suck, but I knew this already. I crave our climax of events; the foreplay, the act, and the aftermath. I miss the playing and disregard of the consequences, the want. The act in itself is one of the greatest feelings in the world but because of whom you share it with, they're in it just as well as you are and you create euphoric pleasure together. The aftermath is nice because you two are so close together and because he so happens to conduct enough warmth for the both of you. I gotta say I miss it all so much but mainly because of you. I can't help myself from thinking of what could be. I want things for us to get better so much. Where did your need for me go? Where can I find it and bring it back to you? But will you let it? You've already proved how much I don't make you happy and fulfill you. I'm such a fool for you. I gave you so much money, I let you have me: body, mind, and soul, I supported you, and appreciated you as best as I could, and loved you, and cherished you, and was so whimsical over you. I made you such an important piece in my life. All the thoughts and decisions I've had since the day we met have been to or for or even both to you. I go through waves of anger, sadness, confusion, it happens, it makes me shake, and I don't know what to think or do anymore. I'm not sure how to act or what or who to be. I want to be yours but I need to somehow pull from the dependency I had on you and be independent again because you may never come back to me. You may lead a completely different life and forget me. After all life could be better without such a horrible girlfriend to deal with. I believe I gave it my all. I just really wish things were different. I create scenarios in my head where things pick up, where you came to my doorstep or went out of your way and found me and showed me that you still had an inkling of love and care for me. You have just disappointed me so much. You are like Brutus, Julius Caesar's devoted companion who stabs Caesar right in the back. So conveniently done on the Ides of March on March 15th. Stabbed me right in the back again. I trusted you. I thought you could be my forever. I love you so much. It hurts that I still love you. It hurts so much. I don't want you to feel bad for me because you're only treating me out of respect for my person. You don't actually love me. I don't understand what your definition of love is. I guess we've never been on the same page. But my definition goes something along the lines of a person with whom you've spent a considerate amount of time with and enjoy their company, you accept them for all they bring you and they don't seem to mind you either, you've created a bond that has outlasted any previous endeavor, you let each other in on your innermost thoughts and being, you strip yourself of all your layers and are real with them, you see a ton of good in the other person, you have trust and share common interests, it's a combination of events that take place in the spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical union of two individuals. I don't know how I will ever get over you. I don't want to. I only do because I "have" to. I feel forced to get over you because you've gotten over me so long ago. I've just been dragging out a ticking time-bomb and I knew it and let it happen. How could I not have caught all the signs? You should win an Oscar. I actually believed you cherished and appreciated me and loved me so much and couldn't go on without me and that I was doing all the right things. That we were working out despite all odds. I guess not. I'm just so upset with myself and disappointed with you.