I long to be appeased

I've neglected you and I mean that in many ways. It's unfair and you don't deserve any of what you are going through. You spoke of love in which you are obsessed and immersed in the person and all of your motives are driven by that person. I know that love. I remember that love. I love that type of love. However I don't feel that way. That type of feeling just happens and there is no forewarning or way of encouraging/stopping it. It's so difficult for me to put into words how I don't feel as though I am completely there or immersed or even in love. And it pains me to pain you. It's not just pity. I know I can be coldhearted, irrational, and insatiable. I've stopped seeing a future for us. You say I've given up and I'm starting to believe it because I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I've killed many things within our relationship. I lost a drive that I never thought I'd lose. I don't think I want anything at the moment. You aren't letting me go and I appreciate it. There is a part of me that wants to stay, that doesn't want change, or to do something I'll regret. You compare this to other things when I still don't know what to think of it myself. You tell me reasons why I'm like this and I believe them because they make sense and tie in with past experiences and I have nothing else to grab hold to. I'm not trying to place the blame on you. It's not all your fault. I'm a gigantic part of this and I'm causing this torture. I've let you get away with countless things I normally wouldn't and I know you do the same for me if not even moreso. I hadn't seen us getting to this point at all. I looked at other relationships and was wondering when they'd die and had no inclination of my own dying. I feel as though no time will be a good time and I don't want to ruin your life or take away everything that means something to you. It's rough because I am in control and I have no good reasons not to be in love. And I say we'll see with optimism but I don't know what I want to see. My judgment is clouded. It's one of those things where I want space to breathe and think. And you're so sure I'd be gone forever and I'm not so sure I wouldn't be. It's unnerving. You ask me to tell you things straight up and I'm not sure how to explain things to my own self. We've had countless issues within our relationship and they've eaten away at me and I'm sure they did to you too. You're trying to fix it and I'm just trying to enjoy my summer. Our schedules are still not aligned and I don't know if they ever will be. I'm not there for you when I should be and then when it's just me I feel as though I'm used to being alone. I felt alone many times and it made me so frustrated. I bet it did to you too or else you wouldn't have fled to other people for attention. I didn't let you in many times. But I'm not sure of what I would do if things were flipped. I don't think I could have handled another heartbreak. I don't mean to put you through this. I'd like to see what happens. I don't know if hope is in my tarot cards but I know taking action is. I want you to have hope, patience, encouragement, good influence, compassion, strength, bravery, and devotion. Not to lose sight of the amazing person that you are and the good heart that is within you. Even if it is deep within you and only shown to a select few. I don't know if I could be there forever & always and as much as I'd like to. I feel our interests diverging with immense speed. So much contradicts and I can't even imagine how this makes you feel and how baffled you are. Even throughout this process you've managed to check up on me and try to make me feel better when I'm the one that should be comforting you. Yet I never know what to say. Even when honesty is the best policy I know I'm letting you down. I'm disappointing you so much. I heard it in your voice when you were angry at me for "playing games" and acting like a highschooler. But I haven't been able to devote more into this. Whenever I try to enjoy myself it comes back and I'm forced with actions and decisions and it makes me so restless. I try to avoid and let things seep in so I can think and not just be so random. I'm not letting anyone influence my decision. Sometimes I wish I could just get a consensus and follow it. My mind doesn't view things in the same way. I am frightened of change and the unknown. I'm frightened of not realizing that the decision I'm making will be a terrible one. I've been guilty for so long. At the time I felt as though it was only a trivial feeling. There were moments where I could forget about it because of you. And then others where it made me mad at myself for still holding on. I hadn't had the chance to just forget about everything else but myself and really listen to myself. I've allowed others to take care of me and steer me. I've wanted it this way for so long. I don't know if I care to be steered in any which way anymore. I want to be free to make all of my own decisions and not hold back. I haven't been able to be free and you saw that in regards to other people at firefly. They let themselves go. I couldn't do that even when I saw the fun they were having. I couldn't handle it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have been an emotional wreck but not in the way you've been. I don't know how much more of me you'll take. I can't believe you still want me to be a part of your world. I feel as though most of which I brought to it was chaos.

Oh lord, won't you leave me

Leave me on my knees

'cause I belong to the ground now

And it belongs to thee