Hmff

I wouldn't change you or us for the world. You are so special to me. Right now I don't understand why I see you as such an amazing person, an Adonis, a hero for crying out loud. When I'm with you, when I catch a glimpse of your personality through a text or a pic you sent me or another countless social network or even when I look at you in person I can't help but admire you for the incredible person that you are.

I know that I've made stupid mistakes before that you won't let me live down. I know I need to give you space and time. It's just hard when I want to be here for you which I am for the most part. You ask me to treat you how you've been treating me but I'm not a spiteful person. I'm not ready to instigate and fight against you all the time. I'm not ready to put you down.

I can appreciate a sincere text message, a sincere compliment, or even a flirtatious reply, anything to make me happy. I don't know anymore. I don't want to be the only one who wants the relationship. I feel as if I am not demanding or ask too much of you. I'm so grateful to ALL you've ever given me truthfully. I don't know. It's 3AM and I can't help but think about you but I'm always thinking about you.

I know you need help. I also understand that I may not be the right girl for you as upsetting as that sounds. You've lost the "spark" you've held for me for a long enough time and I may possibly be holding onto a dead-end dream.

I'm not sure though. You'll make me lose all hope that I have in us. But then you'll stay the night, you'll sleep with me, you'll beg for me to spend a weekend with you, you'll text me. I can't begin to tell you how confused you make me.

I'm trying to stay strong as you told me to. It's hard when I feel 60:40 kind of effort. I don't mean to be asking too much of you. After the "friend's birthday weekend" I spent with you during one of my favorite holidays which I dealt with, I dealt with the fact that "we" couldn't celebrate Valentine's Day, a day meant to spend with your significant other just loving them down and appreciating them and making sure they felt appreciated more than anything.

Celebrating our 9 month anniversary was just great, surprisingly you remembered and sadly I didn't. I wasn't even looking forward to it. But yeah we celebrated it on skype when we were both eagerly playing words with friends on our phones and you were playing gta5. I was ready to stop everything I was doing just to (I guess) spend quality time through a computer screen with you and you were multitasking your heart out. I hope you notice I'm not on my phone around you as much. I'm trying not to do things that will set you off. I'm trying to be "good."

A relationship is ultimately what two people make of it and how they want it to be. It's up to us to change or keep what we have. I'm trying to see things from your perspective. I hope you see all the things I do for you. You'd think I would get something back. You tell me I deserve better but why don't you strive to make yourself the best you can be for me? That is asking too much considering I shouldn't ask anything of you for me. You're your own person capable of your own decisions and if you wanted to do something for me you would. Clearly I don't deserve better.

I haven't lost all I felt for you. Piece by piece I feel as if you have. It upsets me. It makes me feel as if I'm practically nothing to you. I wouldn't shove you away. I'm trying to let go of you in case of anything at this point and that saddens me that I even think this. I'm not sure what to do. I want you in my life more than anyone. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to feel as if I can't count on you. I feel as if I can't even try to be cute because it's as if "you don't deserve it." All I want is for you to be happy and feel loved and appreciated and to feel normal and to feel unique and talented and intelligent and so much more. I hate pushing. It just makes everything seem fake. I do deserve better. I deserve the man I fell for. But maybe I don't. Maybe it's not in my cards. Maybe I'm completely wrong. Hmff.