Is anyone else as unhappy as I am at this dark hour? 

Are you alone like I am?

I Should Know Better/

I don't understand how someone can just get under my skin 3 full days after they do something. I am so stupidly oblivious when I see some sort of attention/care from someone that I disregard all else and in the end I mess up every damn time. Times when I think I'm done and truly over it and happy just completely become backtracked. It's as if happiness never lasts but every single time I hope it does. I don't understand how someone can toy with someone else's emotions or company. I don't understand how someone could be such a dickwad. I don't understand how I can be so infuriated and angry and full of well-deserved hate and still be completely civil and polite and respectful. I know what comes to me every time we speak and I completely let it happen esp when everything and everyone tells me not to. I don't want your replacement or you in any way, shape, or form. I just want to be elated and cared for and not spontaneously intrigued and then completely forgotten. I know what I deserve and it's certainly not the way you have and continue to treat me. 

I need to quit you once and for all. 

I need to forget you.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUUUUU

It has been decided against my better judgement that I shall spend tonight venting out whatever feelings are still floating throughout my mind in the form of a poorly written blog. All those that wish to no longer become intertwined with the inner-workings of a suckish 17yr old's life may proceed to read no further. You've been warned.

Would you take someone else's trust for granted?

I wish it wasn't this way. 
I wish you didn't give me hope. 
I wish you didn't waste your time speaking to me. 
I wish you didn't have the ability to blind me with excitement and lust. 

How does a person go from talking to another human being for three straight days (mind you flirtatious talk consumed most of the conversation) to having yourself a girlfriend? How can you tease/please one person meanwhile calling another "baby"? Why do I bother asking questions that will never be answered nonetheless ever be seen by he who this post is precisely about?

I sit here listening to the 'Pierce the Veil Radio' of Pandora which I know offers me no consolation and I completely embrace this. Is this maybe why I don't mind bringing you back into my life? I had my own hunches. I knew to keep my guard up when it came to you. But I neglected this because of some stupid hope that maybe you aren't some sort of deviant. 

Is it right of you to do this to me a second time? Regardless I don't own the proper lady bawls to tell you off. How can I hypocritically ask you to stop speaking to others when I refused to stop? I doubt you realize this even hurts me.. Do you seek revenge? If only I could refute your cruel actions. 

I wonder what you think of me. Who am I to you? Or perhaps what am I to you? Do you prefer to use me or abuse me? 

Once again I'll push you away from my life. 
I don't want to see you. 
Please don't string me along more. 
I can't take it.

I need to stop. Why am I still obsessing over you? I can answer my own question; you are so damn addicting. All I need to see is interest from you and I swoon.

Moronic Behavior Will NOT Be Tolerated

You're just a self-righteous, moronic individual and I don't understand why I am even affiliated with you. I can hold a grudge and just watch me I will. Don't worry I'll treat you just as you treated me- with every bit of care you gave me tonight- oh wait what care?

You call me disrespectful yet I went out of my way yest and actually got things done.
You compare yourself to the parents' of a dear bestfriend of mine and state that they'd never go out of their way to drive around.. This morning that same friend's dad drove me to school and this has been at least the 10th time that he's done this for me just this school year.
You call yourself some sort of limo service however you're driving a Honda Accord sit the hell down.
You can't even drive - thank you for crossing over an illegal barrier on a main road twice.
You complained about driving two friends home although I NEVER asked you. I asked someone else who had given me consent.
You didn't even pick us up from the correct place.
You're just ridiculous.

I don't see how someone could only care about themselves and be so blatantly oblivious as you are.

THANK YOU FOR RUINING WHAT COULD'VE BEEN A GREAT NIGHT FOR ME.

^ yes this is the sickest sarcasm.

As if I don't have enough things to stress about you made my life that much worse.

But nono keep yelling and complaining and doing all the things that your crappy personality entails. I'm sure this will help your charming iridescence ensue (more sick sarcasm).

I'd like to finish all my college apps and to get everything in so I could go a solid day without worrying but I doubt that's going to happen. :/ Just this week a 15yr old girl, a sophomore from my high school, jumped in front of a train and passed away due to this action. This was her alternative to escaping bullying and other troubles in her life. Although I never knew this girl I feel for her and I hope she is in a better place rn. Her situation made me feel completely empty. Every day people complain about things that they can either control, fix, or just aren't worth complaining about and SO many entities are taken advantage of.

I can honestly say I am grateful for my momma & certain friends of mine. I do not know what I would do without them.

So today, Oct 26th 2012, I had a half-day of school due to parent-teacher conferences. I went over my bestfriend Lucia's house and we then got Country Donuts [which is downright delicious]. We then watched a movie- Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Then we went for an hour bike ride to rid ourselves of the fatness we consumed earlier. Afterwards she introduced me to a veddy interesting tv show- "Revolution." We watched an episode and a half before preparing ourselves for a Halloween party. After transforming myself into a cowgirl and she turned into a masquerade-fairy-with various weapons we proceeded to walk to the train, take the train to Huguenot (passed the memorial of the girl mentioned above^), and then walked to our friend's house.

The party consisted of beer (which I am not a fan of since I find it bitter), trackies (which are some of the greatest people I know), random institute kids (that are all amazing as well), Pinnacle, and just a good time. There were no fights. No one had gotten so ridiculously out of control. Everyone seemed to love each other and just enjoy each other's company and everyone was happy. I felt like I had no worries and no stress for once {too good to be true I should know this}. A couple of the people at the party were getting high and I didn't take advantage of this opportunity and some kid even had some things with him that he was selling. I now regret not embracing this convenience.

But the main jist of this comes after this when my friends were no longer in my presence and turmoil, absurdity, and ignorance transpired. I have no will-power to go over the event because I have already broken down, cried, and just battled between anger and complete sorrow about it and do not want to even deal with this outrageousness. It's not even worth it.

All I know is I am not acknowledging anyone's existence that is detrimental to my own. #sorrynotsorry

Casola Farm

So of course, as usual, I have a lot on my mind. It's currently 12:31am here and I could be a) sleeping b) reading this book I like aka Perks of Being a Wallflower b4 it comes out in theatres or c) watching a movie or d) sleeping. Oh well, in another life I believe I was most likely an owl so that's my reasoning for never sleeping at this hour :X

Tonight was interesting. My momma, her friend (Tota Nada) , and I went to Casola Farm in Marlboro, New Jersey. It's this place where for October//Halloween time they have a 'Hayride of Terror', 'Haunted Wooded Trail', 'Haunted Barn', and 'Livin Maze'. This was my 2nd time going, my 1st time was 2yrs ago. If you like Fright Fest and/or Blood Manor / places where they pay people to purposely scare you, you'll definitely like this place! When I arrived I saw all these couples and I cannot stand the fact that I'm actually jealous of every single one of them. Just the fact that they look so happy with each other jakshdiuiwe. Anyways, I never like the barn, even when you see the scary people and even if you tell them you see them they still come over to you and they're always popping out of places trying to scare you. During the maze the scariest part wasn't the actors but some random 13yr old that jumped out of some bushes and yelled at us.

My favorite part of tonight however was the hayride. :3 There was this hot guy and he sat next to me. So on one side I had momma's arm wrapped into mine and in another I had mystery hot boy = pretty decent combination. When I sat down the girl across from me told me if I get scared I could hold onto him and I was very quick to say "no i won't!" At the same time we all told each other that we had each other's backs. As the hayride proceeded, by the time we were frightened with, Freddy, Jason, scary clowns, random zombies, and the girl from the Ring had jumped onto the ride, got in all of our faces, and yelled intolerable things he sat a whole lot closer. I had my left leg up on the hay barrel kinda on him and he was keeping it so warm, it was lovely. I told him not to mind my leg because he was keeping it nice and warm and he didn't mind one bit. We talked throughout the ride and when a scary character was approaching (one touched my hair oh.my.god. that was the scariest moment for me!!!) he would elbow my elbow with his, as subtle as this is idk I just appreciated it. Maybe if my momma wasn't sitting so close and stuff I'd have jumped/held onto him. I honestly wasn't even that scared but I would've done it just because well hey ya know hot guy on hayride and I'm single who wouldn't take that opportunity !? He had a Mets cap, these tan skinny jeans, and a hoodie, and he had this swoopy cute hair I mean cmon. At one point he was just like look at these stars they're so nice & they truly were. All these couples on the ride were holding each other and it truly twas precious. Now that I think of it I could've asked him all this stuff but whatever. Anyways I doubt he'd be interested. I have no name, no digits, and I doubt I'd ever again see him. Not like he asked for either of those things from me anyways so ah well.


Each season I find more and more reasons why I'd like to be in a relationship and want to call someone else mine as they do the same to me. I find more and more things we would be able to do/share/make.

In this one summer reading book I read this year I liked this paragraph:

"It was a confusing proposition to want a girl you'd already had and couldn't get because you had; a situation common in his life, of having first and then wanting what he had had, as if he hadn't had it but just heard about it, and it had, in the hearing, aroused his appetite. He even wished he had not had her that night, and wondered-say he hadn't-whether he would be in the least interested in her today."

Gosh that's my life right there. ^^^ 

I think what if I'd never gotten myself into a relationship? I'd have been completely oblivious to all these feelings and would've felt a different bit of loneliness. But the fact that I enjoyed a relationship as much as I had makes me strike through all these thoughts.

As I sit here, alone, comforted by a laptop light and a keyboard as well as my dear cat Lily, as much as I appreciate all that I do have, I can't help wanting more.

No one has bothered to talk to me as they've used to. No one has drawn my attention. I'm just bored.


 Not that I'm advertising or anything(;
http://www.triplecnurseries.com/haunted/main.html

All that needs to be said

That feeling when you haven't been kissed in what feels like forever & your heart just sinks repetitively and it's only you and that person out of all others in the entire world for that moment ...

Yrs L8r Still Overthinking

I've come to terms with the fact that things will never be the same. As bittersweet as it may sound I am okay with that. He may always go back and forth in my life and he'll always have a permanent placehold somewhere deep within me but we just aren't compatible with each other. It's taken me long enough to believe it though. Of course I'll still miss him on occasion. I'll still long for us to be together -- not in a relationship-- just spending time together doing nothing important in particular.

This doesn't mean I won't be there for him. I've pinky promised him and well most of my pinky promises I have held true. I'll continue to hold onto them because they are important to me & they've always been.

He was speaking truthfully when he said I deserve better. I mean I should deserve better as does he. As much as he loves speaking about the marines and just everything he hardly asks me about myself or well anything. He clearly doesn't care about me in that way and I should've seen that sooner.

This isn't meant to bash him in anyway. I'm just trying to rearrange my thoughts and for some reason the clearest way for me is to just write the first thing that comes to mind :X

One of the greatest letters I have ever read (as cliche as it is) is the letter written by Noah to Allie in The Notebook.

"My Dearest Allie, 

I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees,
learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds,
and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever.

I love you. I'll be seeing you.
Noah "

Noah honestly couldn't have said it any better if someone has spared their time, has given you the time of day, has opened up to you, has allowed you to do the same back, and is just there for you- providing happiness, warmth, love, all that they'd hope to receive back that person shouldn't be bashed when it's over. That person deserves just as much as you do to be appreciated. I believe something was there between Josh and I in our relationship. The fact that I still bring it up years later astonishes me but as it was my first relationship I entitle myself to compare everything to it. (Even when I shouldn't)

There was a combination of happiness, naivety, insecurity, corruption, tension, fun, and I still believe love. And Fall Out Boy truly has said it the best, "thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great."