I long to be appeased

I've neglected you and I mean that in many ways. It's unfair and you don't deserve any of what you are going through. You spoke of love in which you are obsessed and immersed in the person and all of your motives are driven by that person. I know that love. I remember that love. I love that type of love. However I don't feel that way. That type of feeling just happens and there is no forewarning or way of encouraging/stopping it. It's so difficult for me to put into words how I don't feel as though I am completely there or immersed or even in love. And it pains me to pain you. It's not just pity. I know I can be coldhearted, irrational, and insatiable. I've stopped seeing a future for us. You say I've given up and I'm starting to believe it because I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I've killed many things within our relationship. I lost a drive that I never thought I'd lose. I don't think I want anything at the moment. You aren't letting me go and I appreciate it. There is a part of me that wants to stay, that doesn't want change, or to do something I'll regret. You compare this to other things when I still don't know what to think of it myself. You tell me reasons why I'm like this and I believe them because they make sense and tie in with past experiences and I have nothing else to grab hold to. I'm not trying to place the blame on you. It's not all your fault. I'm a gigantic part of this and I'm causing this torture. I've let you get away with countless things I normally wouldn't and I know you do the same for me if not even moreso. I hadn't seen us getting to this point at all. I looked at other relationships and was wondering when they'd die and had no inclination of my own dying. I feel as though no time will be a good time and I don't want to ruin your life or take away everything that means something to you. It's rough because I am in control and I have no good reasons not to be in love. And I say we'll see with optimism but I don't know what I want to see. My judgment is clouded. It's one of those things where I want space to breathe and think. And you're so sure I'd be gone forever and I'm not so sure I wouldn't be. It's unnerving. You ask me to tell you things straight up and I'm not sure how to explain things to my own self. We've had countless issues within our relationship and they've eaten away at me and I'm sure they did to you too. You're trying to fix it and I'm just trying to enjoy my summer. Our schedules are still not aligned and I don't know if they ever will be. I'm not there for you when I should be and then when it's just me I feel as though I'm used to being alone. I felt alone many times and it made me so frustrated. I bet it did to you too or else you wouldn't have fled to other people for attention. I didn't let you in many times. But I'm not sure of what I would do if things were flipped. I don't think I could have handled another heartbreak. I don't mean to put you through this. I'd like to see what happens. I don't know if hope is in my tarot cards but I know taking action is. I want you to have hope, patience, encouragement, good influence, compassion, strength, bravery, and devotion. Not to lose sight of the amazing person that you are and the good heart that is within you. Even if it is deep within you and only shown to a select few. I don't know if I could be there forever & always and as much as I'd like to. I feel our interests diverging with immense speed. So much contradicts and I can't even imagine how this makes you feel and how baffled you are. Even throughout this process you've managed to check up on me and try to make me feel better when I'm the one that should be comforting you. Yet I never know what to say. Even when honesty is the best policy I know I'm letting you down. I'm disappointing you so much. I heard it in your voice when you were angry at me for "playing games" and acting like a highschooler. But I haven't been able to devote more into this. Whenever I try to enjoy myself it comes back and I'm forced with actions and decisions and it makes me so restless. I try to avoid and let things seep in so I can think and not just be so random. I'm not letting anyone influence my decision. Sometimes I wish I could just get a consensus and follow it. My mind doesn't view things in the same way. I am frightened of change and the unknown. I'm frightened of not realizing that the decision I'm making will be a terrible one. I've been guilty for so long. At the time I felt as though it was only a trivial feeling. There were moments where I could forget about it because of you. And then others where it made me mad at myself for still holding on. I hadn't had the chance to just forget about everything else but myself and really listen to myself. I've allowed others to take care of me and steer me. I've wanted it this way for so long. I don't know if I care to be steered in any which way anymore. I want to be free to make all of my own decisions and not hold back. I haven't been able to be free and you saw that in regards to other people at firefly. They let themselves go. I couldn't do that even when I saw the fun they were having. I couldn't handle it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have been an emotional wreck but not in the way you've been. I don't know how much more of me you'll take. I can't believe you still want me to be a part of your world. I feel as though most of which I brought to it was chaos.

Oh lord, won't you leave me

Leave me on my knees

'cause I belong to the ground now

And it belongs to thee

You ever look back and think about how perfect things seemed?

B0gGles mY m!nd

It boggles my mind how you didn't want to make a girl you hardly knew embarrassed and/or awkward for forcing herself onto you. 

It boggles my mind that she treated you like a piece of meat saying she would make out with you and rape you even and you just let her be all over you. 

I can only imagine how much you would like it if a guy told me even just the conversation starter that she used. Why would Estee have any issues with some girl thinking that I'm cute? But I guarantee that if any male called me cute you'd be wishing death upon them. Apparently nothing she said or did bothered you which boggles my mind completely. Apparently telling a girl off is a bad thing because you're a guy but as a girl it's completely fine. It's especially fine to blow off guys as soon as they say, "Hello," to you. Especially fine to tear down another girl for encroaching on my man because he is too "nice" to say anything realistic. And then you claimed that you told her all about your girlfriend but when she asked what you were up to or what you did for Halloween you didn't have much to say. It's just so interesting to me when something like this happens because you're always ready to say that I don't empathize with you and that I love to ignore you. And I'm not even jealous of her being or worried of you cheating it's just interesting that all of a sudden when someone was throwing themselves at you, you couldn't get out of the situation. 

But I shouldn't even be mad at you. I'm over here mad at myself because come to think of it I could have acted on it. I should've known you didn't want to look like a bad person and sacrificed my own self-image to save you from such a difficult situation. I should have popped her in the face. Oh wait did I really just say that? Peaceful Estee really just said that she would pop another female in the face for flirting, cat-calling, and intruding on her boyfriend's life. I should have told her thirsty butt to go back to where it came from. I have all these brilliant ideas the day after when the night of all I could do was get myself to the bathroom and completely walk passed you two in the doorway rather than hearing your meaningless conversation whilst trying to fall asleep. She and you made me want to puke more than my hangover and that's what drove me straight to the bathroom. I was so shot. I was so happy to finally be in bed after not having my night go as planned. After not getting work done and after not watching Wallace and Gromit with you. But then for her to swoop into the picture I should have taken out every bit of frustration on her. I wish I had made sure she felt like a tramp. 

It boggles my mind that in order to prevent looking like a bad RA you would rather be sexually assaulted. You don't like desperate girls but when they attack why/how are you so ready to entertain them? I just wonder why you value time spent communicating with them. It boggles my mind that I don't know the answers to such mundane questions. 

It boggles my mind how you don't appreciate me talking to guys when they aren't flirting with me and when we communicate as friends but when a girl (I don't even want to call her a girl because she makes me ashamed to be a girl for not picking up your very subtle, subliminal messages that went along the lines of, "please stop talking to me," and for not stopping her nonsense after hearing that you have a girlfriend) comes over and wants to talk about raping you and making out with you and how cute you are that you willingly prolong the conversation. You all of a sudden don't have any escape routes planned. But I mean you told her you had a girlfriend so you must be totally in the clear. Especially since after you told her that and she asked if things would be awkward that no of course not. Especially since she made sure to mention how she'd love to make out with you but hahaha that's fine too, no worries there we all like to tell everybody how much we'd like to make out with them and hear all about the dirty things they want to do to us. I mean I definitely want to hear another guy tell me he wants to rape me, I feel like you would completely understand why I'd love to listen to that. It boggles my mind how do you even respond!?! I liked how when she asked if she was bothering you, no of course not. I like how whenever she made a sneaky comment, mostly some type of sexual innuendo, that there was no sort of consequence. It's like nothing she said was wrong. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror after not being able to throw up shaking. Mostly because I had no idea what I could possibly do and mostly because I didn't want to see her standing in front of the doorway talking to you, giggling, and tearing your clothes off piece by piece with her promiscuous eyes. She had the gall to say hi to me as I walked back into the room. The gall. All that mattered to her was your pretty face, your mouth and/or your dick. And then you come back into the room as if the entire circumstance was handled well and that nothing happened because you hadn't stood there making out with her as if you never gave in to her unforgiving commentary. Nothing you did was wrong. You Saint you for making sure that she wasn't awkward or anything for putting her liquid courage to the test with you. I wish I had more balls. Especially would have loved to have ripped her apart. 

You poor thing the first thing you told me was how you were going to have nightmares over imaginary clowns when a real-life clown came into your life and interrogated and threw herself onto you but there was nothing that you did about it except of course continuing your involvement with her. I was living in a real-life nightmare while you wanted me to protect you from ones that hadn't even occurred yet. 

But I must have this entire situation all wrong. I must've not understood you when you kept talking to her. I didn't take for granted the fact that you told her you'd leave when I came back from the bathroom while I was taking my sweet time in there to save myself from emotional turmoil. Good thing I had no idea of such a plan. I wonder how much longer you'd let her relentless trifling continue. I hope her attention made you feel better with yourself because that's about the only positive aspect I could see from interacting with that beast. 

I didn't matter during the entire time while you were out there precipitated with coquetry and that boggles my mind. 

But in the end it's always my fault

Time & time again I am reminded that I am a terrible person. I am reminded of how manipulative I myself can be. If it weren't so then I assume most of the problems that arise in my relationships would not reoccur.
I haven't treated you fairly. You say you are upset because of how much you've wanted me to change meanwhile I keep changing you. In relationships you gotta make sacrifices and you gotta grow together. Us changing each other for what we think is the better is the whole point of being in a relationship because you allow your significant other to become the person you know they can be. I know it's not easy being blamed for something you've done wrong but for me it's just as hard to place the blame on someone other than myself. In the end I didn't give you enough attention alas you wouldn't search for it in other people. You wouldn't say the things you did to someone else if I was truly there for you. We both didn't know what was going on. I don't know why I turned so mad about everything. I didn't want you to feel hated for everything that you did but moreso and moreso I wanted you to listen. I didn't want you to keep brushing the things I was trying to explain to you off and as frustration turned to angst I didn't use you to help myself. I don't even remember what outlets I used to help myself. In the process I dug you into a whole 10 feet deep that I didn't give you the tools to get out of. And I'm here to bring things from worse to even worse because I can't control my insecurities. They won't stay at bay. And I can hardly bring myself to words when it comes to making things better.
All I do is feel.
I feel off.
I feel bothered.
I feel disappointment.
But granted you must feel worse. And I'm not trying to compare us too much although that is such a hypocritical statement because I certainly am, I want things to get better and I want us to not feel so bad. I want for you to not hate me. I know I can't hate you because you have the greatest of hearts and as uncertain as I may be I'm certain you wouldn't want to hurt me. I'm usually wrong about that statement but I'm not going to give up thinking that people aren't trying to purposely hurt others. Things you said have put into perspective that I don't know you as well as I thought I did and that is just something I'm going to have to learn. I'll never know you as much as I truly want to. I'll never be remarkable or perfect. I'll be there to mess things up. I'll be there to keep you uncertain. I'll be there to make u feel terrible. I'm not the greatest of people and I'm certainly not the greatest of girlfriends.



Here's to being unrelenting.

The Summer of Maryann

People spring themselves into your life for a reason. Maryann has been a major part every time I worked at my summer job for three summers now. Think of a spunky barely five-foot tall Italian woman from Brooklyn who claims she isn't a day over twenty-five. She used to tell the boys at my pool that with a twist of her hip every time. She's awesome and unique. She sees eye to eye with everyone and doesn't put herself above anyone. Sometimes I feel like she tries her best to agree rather than making a fuss. Maryann's always willing to hear the other side and educate herself. Being close to eighty years old, she hasn't stopped learning. I admire various personality traits and qualities that she has. Over the years it seems that she has only ever improved herself. She doesn't judge harshly what she doesn't understand. She has talked to me of her romantic fling with a gay man, growing up with a protective and respectful truck driver father, working at Bank of America, getting over speech impediments, religion, and a bunch of various topics. She's up to date with the pool and all of its lifeguards because we are her children. She never married and never had kids of her own. Throughout her community she has been a kind and friendly soul to everyone. Sometimes I feel that she can be hypocritical but who isn't?

There are a lot of things I've learned from Maryann and she doesn't mind reminding me of all she teaches me. She likes knowing things and spreading information she's certain about and isn't afraid to say or be wrong. At times I don't want to talk and I'd rather read in the sanctity of a quiet and boring pool but she has managed to keep me grounded and has shown me how much human contact can enlighten me and make me think. She helps the time go by that's for sure. I can't really put our talks or how she affects me into words but I know that we both give each other purpose in a sense. She's always there to tell stories and I'm always there to listen. I'm not afraid to disagree with her and not afraid to interject my own views and I'm glad she isn't stubborn or snotty or reprimanding. She's flexible. I believe I'll hold contact with Maryann as long as she's alive. I hope she lives for a very long time. She's an interesting soul. She means well. I'm not here to bash her. Maryann has inspired me to write this because I don't want to forget about her. I don't think I ever will but it feels good to know that something I'm writing is about an influential person in my life. I've always had a love for a person's story and getting to know Maryann certainly makes me revel in that passion. 

Note to self: read more biographies.

Geez who am I that I just left my blog unattended for so long? It takes a stir of my emotions to get me to write and let everything I need to out in the form of laptop keys into words which translate into blog posts. I'm not even sure I still know how or what to write. I'm not sure of most things -- who I want to become, how I feel, or what's going on. I'm just taking each moment as it comes and dealing with it someway I deem fit. Although, I'm not in shape for what is being thrown at me and I am struggling to keep up. 

My current boyfriend is a source of light. He is a ray of sunshine that keeps illuminating me and supporting my decisions however unpredictable, stubborn, and reckless they may be. He likes to keep me in check and I know as much as I want to rebel that he has the best of intentions and therefore I need to listen more. He has helped me pick up the pieces of my broken life from the moment we shared our first sleepover and I'm not sure he knows how much he has done/continues to do for me. He has been full of surprises since the moment I've laid eyes on him. He is a genuine human being with more care than I have ever seen compacted into a male body. If only he was here to comfort me at night. u__u

I hate that I have a hard time sleeping alone. I like to think I'm independent and here I am a self-proclaimed insomniac, re-reading old blog posts, becoming a riled mess of emotions, and blaming my boyfriend for living miles upon miles away for not curing my loneliness. I'm not really lonely or alone. I have him in spirit. He touches my soul in waves. I can't forget him. It's great I have him to love, cherish, and appreciate & he does the same for me. Long distance is incredibly hard and don't let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise. When you go from spending months sleeping side-by-side w/ an amazing person to laying in your childhood bed surrounded by pillows, that void in your heart feels almost as great as if you were the last person on Earth. I know I'm being dramatic but it's hard to explain how bad I feel when I can't talk to him and allow him to reassure me of my thoughts. I hate not being able to communicate with him but I know if I stay strong and patient he will get back to me. 

I will be seeing you soon. We don't go too long without seeing each other and that's very reassuring. I love being with you & I cannot wait! 

I assure you you're the best birthday present I'll receive this year. 
Thank you for staying with me despite all my mistakes. 
Thank you for all the chances you've given me and continue to give me. 
I hope I repay you in all the right ways. 

Thanks for not giving up on me so far.

Two opposing forces typically achieve the worst from each other yet they pull together like magnets. You'd think two positive opinions and two negative opinions would attract to each other but magnets like life don't work out that way. You disagree. You fight. You want things your way and the other person thinks the same way. Things don't work out how you've planned and if you truly want something you must fight for it.
People are just different. Personalitywise, their logic, actions, desires they all make us important in our own way. I hope you have the courage to allow yourself to show your true colors even if it's only with a special someone. Someone who appreciates you for all you put out is a keeper. If they're not afraid to tell you like it is cherish them.
In the past & currently I am not the best at being respectful, caring, sympathetic, empathetic, nice, and even loving. I am naive. I don't think I'm doing something wrong til a person tells me and then I meltdown at the hearing of all the bad traits I have although I basically knew I inherited them. I don't mean to ever hurt anyone or disrespect them or make them think I don't care for them. It's not something I mean to do. I've managed to do this quite a lot sometimes I believe I really should change but in the moment I'm me and I have a hard time changing something I'm unsure of. I sometimes think accepting someone for everything they do is a part of love. Love can stir many other emotions but true love never takes away from how much you adore, care for, and appreciate the other person. I mean I may be wrong I may have a different definition of love than you. I may believe in nothing more than a common lie. But I am passionate about one thing and that's love. It's all around us. It's within us. As is the opposite - hate - is prevalent. We decide which we want to feel. I may love going out and doing things to a certain degree. You may hate what I love. That doesn't affect how much I love you. If I love you I love all of you.
From your back freckles to your smile to your hair which I love running my fingers through to the way your arms feel when they're wrapped around me or your legs when they're intertwined with mine or your fingers as they trace my body and allow me to do the same to your brain and your curiosity and your willingness to try new things and to be better to so many more irresistible things about you; I can't get enough of you. I love it all. I love the way you make me feel for the most part and hate myself for unintentionally hurting you, yes the spite hurts but I guess I deserve it if I hurt you. You're still here and idk for how long. That's more frightening than anything. You're right any day could be our last. I hope not anytime soon. There's a lot I still would like to experience with you. I just hope you don't give up on me soon. I know you've found plenty of reasons that you might already. I know I don't do a great job of convincing otherwise and I'm sorry for that. I'm not all that great. I've warned you.