*currently listening to 'fool in love' by rihanna, & raping the repeat button*

I sure do have a lot to think about. I've just recently realized that we all have so many problems in our lives and that we all have to get through them; we spend a great deal of our lives pushing through moments and problems and putting along.

I needed to creep. I needed to see what he was up to. What other girl wrote on his wall. Who else he was trying to get with or talk to. I needed to hear his voice and so I watched a video of him telling me he loved me from a reallyreally long time ago. It must've been a long time ago considering he has no feelings for me anymore and I've told myself not to have anymore feelings towards him. But I do miss him and I can't help but want to see what he is up to or what he is doing. I'm constantly falling into fits where I wonder or think about him. The last time we spoke I told him that I regretted everything I've ever done with him, but I can honestly say that I'm glad he left his mark on me and that I've experienced quite some happiness with him. I am grateful to all the times we had.

This is insanity. Just as I was writing this and talking to paul (oh this new boy ;) tehe) josh decides to request me as a friend on facebook. Mind you he deleted me elohel. He just confuses me so much. There's something telling me not to add him for my own good. But I want to add him. Against my better judgement, I did. I just couldn't help it.

This Sat (tomorrow is Thurs & Turkey Day) I'm going to the movies with paul. I know he is playing me. I know hes gotten with many girls before me. I know I can possibly be just another statistic in his life. I don't want anything to happen but then again I do kinda want something to happen, I just idk. One of my friends told me today to stop walking with him after ass, to stop hugging him, and to stop pretty much everything and not go on saturday, for my own good. I'm just like no. The reason why I wanna go is because I haven't had someone interested in me in a long time and I don't see us ever having a relationship. To be honest, I don't understand why he even talks to me as much as he does and wants to get to know me. I just would never expect for him to go for me. I take in every moment of it because I know it won't last. But then my friends goes to tell me, "he's actually interested in you tho like he said personality is worth more than anything else so idk have fun lol" (i have no idea how he knew this, but paul did tell me a lot of times that the reason he enjoys talking to me is because of my personality) my friend called him a whore and strongly advised me against being with him Saturday saying there's better guys out there for me and that having fun without liking someone is whorish. and then he goes on to say that he doesn't want me to get heartbroken. I won't let it get to that point though.

I understand that all the talking, just all the caring and attention paul gives me isn't going to last.

It's probably insane to hear that I want for someone to basically play me. I can hardly believe it myself. It's been August since I've last hooked up with someone. I've felt like its been forever since someone had any type of interest in me. I've been feeling grosser and grosser as the seconds go by and just seeing him talk to me first, ask me questions, want to get to know me, it means something to me.

These are from the lyrics of the same song I'm replaying over & over & over again:

"I know he’s not perfect in your eyes, But somehow he’s flawless in mine" - that's josh, well at least in my eyes.

"And you may tell me to run, run now, But I can’t do that, We’re too far down the hole, He’s got a hold on my soul"- this is also josh this was my reasoning for staying with him as long as I did this is before I was done.

"So I guess I’m a fool, I’m a fool in love, But I’m willing to stay here, And bask in the glory of his heart, I guess I’m a fool in love, But I’m willing to look so stupid, Till I’ve had enough" - josh

"You’ll see a monster, I see a smile, You say it’s danger, And I’m in denial, But somehow I feel so safe right now" - paul

I can still decide whether or not to go on Saturday. But I also have time to enjoy my Thanksgiving and see how things go. I also received terrible news about my boot. I was extremely excited to go to the doctors today, expecting to never have to wear my boot again. Only to hear that my doctor recommends me to wear the boot for another 2-3 weeks to play it safe ! It leads into a joint and that's why he doesn't want to stress it. I just have had enough of the boot and want everything to go back to the way it was. I want to start running so bad! I can't take this. After a week I am most likely not going to wear the boot and then a week after that I'm going to start going on the elliptical. I really want to get back.

Keep putting along. Don't stop, never give up, and we won't stop giving all we got. I just gotta keep pushing through this.

It will all be okay.