What if I am leading him on? All this time I am with (or at least this 'label' is with him) what if he is missing out on his chance to find a perfect girl? I just feel as if this relationship however long its been (12 days) is no good. Yet he claims to be so happy that I made the decision to go out with him. And well I kind of am. It's just I feel like there's a few problems.

First off, we hardly text or see each other. He calls me a lot but I really don't have time for a phone conversation.. ever. When it comes to texting it might just be me but I feel like he never texts me back :/ He will text me hours later and it just doesn't seem as if he cares. I feel like he's half there for me like that he isn't there for me when I need someone. I figured the point of a boyfriend was they wanted to be there for you, always. But I guess not.

Second, we are complete opposites or at least have many different views on things. We listen to different kinds of music and just think differently. We are both dedicated to our sport but still I feel like I hardly know him. Actually I can say that I hardly know him & I'm sure I must come off as a sick mystery to this kid. I guess I haven't given us time to open up to each other but I just feel like it will never happen, or once he knows the true me it will just break off or something.

I mean he seems happy with whatever we have so far so why not continue? I'd rather sacrifice myself for someone else's happiness because I just feel like that's the right thing. I've also done that before with Josh and although it would bother others, I've learned to tolerate it. I mean why not, if the whole point of a relationship is to make the other person happier and you have the chance to I just don't see why not. It doesn't take a whole lot to make me happy anyways. I tend to find simple pleasures in anything & I can suck happiness out of any situation. Like I am happy that I can call him my boyfriend but then again I'm also not that happy about it. I feel like I may be wasting his time as well as my own. I really don't think we are perfect for each other.

To be honest I feel like it may just be a label the whole 'boyfriend/girlfriend' thing. I can't even say that Paul and I were bestfriends before we even entered a relationship.


I may not have ever fully gotten over Josh. He keeps on reoccurring in my mind, just everywhere. I can't help but think how different things would be with him. I keep imagining us still together and keep wondering if my decision was ever really right. It's not that I would start talking to him or anything but I was a different kind of happy with him. At times I really want to, at times all I want to do is talk to him or hug him and be in his arms again. I actually notice now many of the things I took for granted then. I took for granted how much he texted me and how he meant every word he ever said to me and how much care he ever had for me. He looked at me a lot differently than anyone else. He truly was passionate about me. We were the best of friends. We were lovers. We had eachother. And it's all lost now.

I know exactly where it went wrong & so does he. And there was this point a while ago when we really could've been friends again. The thing is I was completely stubborn & stayed strong against him. I realized he would spread things about me and that I couldn't trust him. I also saw just how much I broke him. But he also broke me. One of the hardest things I ever did was fight back with him and then the toughest thing I ever did was say I'm done and break things off with him.

I miss the relationship I had with him. It definitely wasn't perfect but it was completely different than what I have now with Paul. I know I shouldn't compare them but I just feel like with Paul it doesn't make sense to me. With Josh I guess I was so much more comforteable.

One of the greatest things, I guess one of my favorite things, about Josh was just how great he thought about me. He would tell me just how 'beautiful' I was. He would always want to see and be with me. I tell you he must've looked at me as if I was Aphrodite or some other Greek goddess. It made me feel so good. I don't feel that way towards myself & the fact that he saw some sort of perfect person in me, that meant something to me. He would always tell me I was perfect & then when I would disagree he always said that I was perfect for him. I remember he would always keep a picture of me as his background on his phone. I would tell him I'm not beautiful and he would hate me for that. Paul thinks I'm cute. I don't expect him to think better of me than that. I'm not cute, I'm not beautiful but still.

All I talk to Paul about is our sports, food, and schoolwork, yea.. that's basically it. I mean he before we went out wanted to know more about me but that's stopped. To be honest, our conversations kind of bore me. But of course I don't give up & I always try to make everything better. I don't let it be shown that any of this is bothering me. Our conversations maybe to Paul are fine and so I'll keep them going.


And then I have an even bigger problem- Jake. He is my bestest bestfriend that's a boy. I can honestly say he has been there for me always & he most likely is the closest guy to me ever. He sure sees something great in me. Lately, we've been talking as we usually do but he calls me a lot, and we said our 'love yous.' Don't worry, it wasn't an 'i love you.' We have never met (considering he lives in Michigan) so of course we cant truly love each other but we confessed whatever love we do have for each other. I feel like I get closer to him everyday and once I meet him I'll fall for him instantly. Like he's perfect but then again he's not but to me he is but its just ughhhhh.


I'm just in this whole jumble and of course I don't know exactly what I'm doing.

I wish my birthday wish came true and that everything between Josh & I worked out and we never had the problems we did.

I wish Jake lived closer or I at least lived closer to him.

I don't even know about Paul.

Gosh there must be something wrong with me. So today after volunteering which was quite fun & interesting, I went to paul's house for the 1st time. We walked from fiesta to his house and the whole time we just told stories and laughed. I love this and then he showed me his room. We then watched drive angry and it was all good. We were creeping on facebook and stuff & we were just hysterical ! Then 2 of his friends came over and they hookah'd and I was just there but I didn't mind. I had to leave at like 9:30 because my momma was on her way home from the mall and decided that she didn't want to drive again just to pick me up. Before I left we kissed and then for the last goodbye hug he whispered something into my ear which I didn't understand until the 3rd time he whispered it to me. lol he wanted to know if i'd like to go out with him & it just surprised me so much. I've been telling myself that when he asks me out I will flat out say no. but I couldn't, I said, "yes." As soon as I left I texted him "are you sure we aren't rushing into things?"

Of course I would've felt bad saying no. Also I do want to go out with him. I know that I may not be ready for another relationship but I'm actually so happy someones placing their interest, time, and care in me. It means soso much to me. I would never expect someone like him ever to go for me. I just cant believe how lucky I am. He tries. I guess I haven't seen that in a very long time. In school whenever he passes my desk he makes sure to hug me or like touch my hair or cheek or just something and he doesn't seem to care who is watching.

Paul knew I was having second thoughts because he called me. He wanted to know what was bothering me about whether or not I would like to go out or not. I was actually surprised he like noticed. He promises me that we'd always be friends. I want to give him the chance. More than anything I want to be with someone that truly likes me for me and in a relationship where we are both comfortable with eachother.

It kind of bothers me that I actually know quite a few people that he's either hooked up with or went out with. I'd say I'm afraid he is leading me on like the rest but I don't even think he wants to do that. It legitimately seems that he cares about me. The things he likes about me are that I'm smart and make him happy.

On the phone I wanted to cry to some of the things he was telling me. I feel like I should hold myself back from him. He told me that there's no one he'd rather be with. Even over the phone I felt so much better and I wanted to say yes more than anything.

However, I feel like I may be the one to lead him on and hurt him. He says he isn't one to push things on anyone because he knows he really doesn't like that and is giving me the night to think about whether I'd like for us to go out or stay friends. I just don't know. I mean I couldn't quite picture us together as a couple :/ I guess its also kind of hard picturing myself in another relationship after josh. Like it scares me, I feel as if paul deserves someone so much better than me. I feel like because I'm having second thoughts then maybe it's not the right time for a relationship. But then again I want to be with paul. I want to be in a relationship and I actually am really happy with paul. I feel like I might be telling myself this to make me say yes. I know that would make him so happy! I just know that he would be ecstatic and he would try so hard and he would be a genuinely perfect boyf. I think about what all my friends would say/think.

This decision though is my own and I'm having such a hard time making it. Paul called me a second time telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he wants me to make the choice that's good for me and what I want. He also told me that he really likes me. I do like him. He's actually great!

What I want?

I want someone there for me, someone I can be myself around, someone who will hold me and who i can just kiss and hug and just be so comfortable with. I don't understand why I cant exactly see this with paul though. I don't want to make a stupid decision. I don't want to lose paul as a friend. I want to give him a chance and be happy with him.

I sure got quite a bit to think about.. I wish it were easier..

Btw I ended up saying yes and I have started *going out* with him. 12/18/11 C:

quickie update.

Well there's quite a bit to go over. I've just had a few more realizations.

1st off: Maybe I’ve just never wanted to believe it but people these days are so selfish.

I may have just been completely oblivious or maybe I just hoped people were better than that but more & more I feel like people only care about themselves and only truly do things for their benefit. Being around my closest of friends has made me realize this. Who we choose to hang out with, what we do, how we act, just everything we do is for the benefit of ourselves. I guess no one wants to think about or put effort in another person unless they know they are getting something back and I just don't see how that's a great thing. People just don't care anymore & I hate it. I know that the whole purpose of living your life is to live it to the fullest but I just feel like more & more people are losing sight of what/who is really important and only taking care of what's good for them at that moment. I just think people use eachother all the time and that really no one deserves that. I just think that people should be allowed into your life because you want them there not just because they can benefit you somehow.

On Thurs I had such a great day. Weds night I went to bed at 9 and I got a full 8 hours of sleep. My eyes were open for once when my alarms went off ! It just astonished me & I wore my peacoat to school for the 1st time since it has gotten colder and I found $20 in my pocket. So, I'm pretty much rich ! :D During class I was wide awake and I just had a great day, it felt like a Friday. After school, I didn't have track because that was the night of the track dinner & I wasn't going to the track dinner. I spent the $50 my momma gave me for the track dinner, on my momma's pwesent :3 I got her a LOFT gift card, I know it's one of her favorite stores so I'm sure she will like it(: I also got myself a vanilla bean frappuccino from Starbucks but that wasn't the greatest idea considering I almost froze at the bus stop waiting for the bus to go home. I chose the cold beverage instead of a lovely, warm one because it was a whole 50 calories less but I really should've just taken the warm white chocolate mocha cappuccino.

Anyways on Friday, I went straight from school to my bestfriend Lauren's casa. Then from Lauren's home, Capri (my other bestfriend), Lauren, and I went to the SI Mall. We went into the new Forever 21 that opened and it was just wonderful & I got myself a new shirt that I wore that night to a party. Oh yea so the party, well it was the 1st time I ever drank and by drinking of course I mean, beer. It was also the first time I ever played flip cup & beer pong. Lol I'm actually kinda good at flip cup too and like I never drank beer before but I just like I was okay. I learned that I'm not a lightweight. I was NOT drunk and although I was having fun I wouldn't be dumb or put my life or others lives in danger. As the party went on we all had to leave because supposedly the neighbor called the cops because this one kid was smart enough to throw a beer bottle into the neighbor's yard -__- I just smh. So we started walking/running and we at first were walking to another party and then as we were walking a lot of my friends really had to pee so we went to one of my friends houses and they peed. On the way there many of my friends hooked up with each other or at least contemplated it. I enjoyed my night even though I didn't hook up with anyone. There really wasn't anyone there for me, I can tell you that.

eheh I'm going to go to bed, its already 3:21am and I just gotta get to bed. This is pretty much the gist of it. If I left anything out I shall most definitely make sure to update a lot more sooner or later !

btw Kelly Rowland's song Commander is quite uplifting ;3