Gosh there must be something wrong with me. So today after volunteering which was quite fun & interesting, I went to paul's house for the 1st time. We walked from fiesta to his house and the whole time we just told stories and laughed. I love this and then he showed me his room. We then watched drive angry and it was all good. We were creeping on facebook and stuff & we were just hysterical ! Then 2 of his friends came over and they hookah'd and I was just there but I didn't mind. I had to leave at like 9:30 because my momma was on her way home from the mall and decided that she didn't want to drive again just to pick me up. Before I left we kissed and then for the last goodbye hug he whispered something into my ear which I didn't understand until the 3rd time he whispered it to me. lol he wanted to know if i'd like to go out with him & it just surprised me so much. I've been telling myself that when he asks me out I will flat out say no. but I couldn't, I said, "yes." As soon as I left I texted him "are you sure we aren't rushing into things?"

Of course I would've felt bad saying no. Also I do want to go out with him. I know that I may not be ready for another relationship but I'm actually so happy someones placing their interest, time, and care in me. It means soso much to me. I would never expect someone like him ever to go for me. I just cant believe how lucky I am. He tries. I guess I haven't seen that in a very long time. In school whenever he passes my desk he makes sure to hug me or like touch my hair or cheek or just something and he doesn't seem to care who is watching.

Paul knew I was having second thoughts because he called me. He wanted to know what was bothering me about whether or not I would like to go out or not. I was actually surprised he like noticed. He promises me that we'd always be friends. I want to give him the chance. More than anything I want to be with someone that truly likes me for me and in a relationship where we are both comfortable with eachother.

It kind of bothers me that I actually know quite a few people that he's either hooked up with or went out with. I'd say I'm afraid he is leading me on like the rest but I don't even think he wants to do that. It legitimately seems that he cares about me. The things he likes about me are that I'm smart and make him happy.

On the phone I wanted to cry to some of the things he was telling me. I feel like I should hold myself back from him. He told me that there's no one he'd rather be with. Even over the phone I felt so much better and I wanted to say yes more than anything.

However, I feel like I may be the one to lead him on and hurt him. He says he isn't one to push things on anyone because he knows he really doesn't like that and is giving me the night to think about whether I'd like for us to go out or stay friends. I just don't know. I mean I couldn't quite picture us together as a couple :/ I guess its also kind of hard picturing myself in another relationship after josh. Like it scares me, I feel as if paul deserves someone so much better than me. I feel like because I'm having second thoughts then maybe it's not the right time for a relationship. But then again I want to be with paul. I want to be in a relationship and I actually am really happy with paul. I feel like I might be telling myself this to make me say yes. I know that would make him so happy! I just know that he would be ecstatic and he would try so hard and he would be a genuinely perfect boyf. I think about what all my friends would say/think.

This decision though is my own and I'm having such a hard time making it. Paul called me a second time telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he wants me to make the choice that's good for me and what I want. He also told me that he really likes me. I do like him. He's actually great!

What I want?

I want someone there for me, someone I can be myself around, someone who will hold me and who i can just kiss and hug and just be so comfortable with. I don't understand why I cant exactly see this with paul though. I don't want to make a stupid decision. I don't want to lose paul as a friend. I want to give him a chance and be happy with him.

I sure got quite a bit to think about.. I wish it were easier..

Btw I ended up saying yes and I have started *going out* with him. 12/18/11 C: