What if I am leading him on? All this time I am with (or at least this 'label' is with him) what if he is missing out on his chance to find a perfect girl? I just feel as if this relationship however long its been (12 days) is no good. Yet he claims to be so happy that I made the decision to go out with him. And well I kind of am. It's just I feel like there's a few problems.

First off, we hardly text or see each other. He calls me a lot but I really don't have time for a phone conversation.. ever. When it comes to texting it might just be me but I feel like he never texts me back :/ He will text me hours later and it just doesn't seem as if he cares. I feel like he's half there for me like that he isn't there for me when I need someone. I figured the point of a boyfriend was they wanted to be there for you, always. But I guess not.

Second, we are complete opposites or at least have many different views on things. We listen to different kinds of music and just think differently. We are both dedicated to our sport but still I feel like I hardly know him. Actually I can say that I hardly know him & I'm sure I must come off as a sick mystery to this kid. I guess I haven't given us time to open up to each other but I just feel like it will never happen, or once he knows the true me it will just break off or something.

I mean he seems happy with whatever we have so far so why not continue? I'd rather sacrifice myself for someone else's happiness because I just feel like that's the right thing. I've also done that before with Josh and although it would bother others, I've learned to tolerate it. I mean why not, if the whole point of a relationship is to make the other person happier and you have the chance to I just don't see why not. It doesn't take a whole lot to make me happy anyways. I tend to find simple pleasures in anything & I can suck happiness out of any situation. Like I am happy that I can call him my boyfriend but then again I'm also not that happy about it. I feel like I may be wasting his time as well as my own. I really don't think we are perfect for each other.

To be honest I feel like it may just be a label the whole 'boyfriend/girlfriend' thing. I can't even say that Paul and I were bestfriends before we even entered a relationship.


I may not have ever fully gotten over Josh. He keeps on reoccurring in my mind, just everywhere. I can't help but think how different things would be with him. I keep imagining us still together and keep wondering if my decision was ever really right. It's not that I would start talking to him or anything but I was a different kind of happy with him. At times I really want to, at times all I want to do is talk to him or hug him and be in his arms again. I actually notice now many of the things I took for granted then. I took for granted how much he texted me and how he meant every word he ever said to me and how much care he ever had for me. He looked at me a lot differently than anyone else. He truly was passionate about me. We were the best of friends. We were lovers. We had eachother. And it's all lost now.

I know exactly where it went wrong & so does he. And there was this point a while ago when we really could've been friends again. The thing is I was completely stubborn & stayed strong against him. I realized he would spread things about me and that I couldn't trust him. I also saw just how much I broke him. But he also broke me. One of the hardest things I ever did was fight back with him and then the toughest thing I ever did was say I'm done and break things off with him.

I miss the relationship I had with him. It definitely wasn't perfect but it was completely different than what I have now with Paul. I know I shouldn't compare them but I just feel like with Paul it doesn't make sense to me. With Josh I guess I was so much more comforteable.

One of the greatest things, I guess one of my favorite things, about Josh was just how great he thought about me. He would tell me just how 'beautiful' I was. He would always want to see and be with me. I tell you he must've looked at me as if I was Aphrodite or some other Greek goddess. It made me feel so good. I don't feel that way towards myself & the fact that he saw some sort of perfect person in me, that meant something to me. He would always tell me I was perfect & then when I would disagree he always said that I was perfect for him. I remember he would always keep a picture of me as his background on his phone. I would tell him I'm not beautiful and he would hate me for that. Paul thinks I'm cute. I don't expect him to think better of me than that. I'm not cute, I'm not beautiful but still.

All I talk to Paul about is our sports, food, and schoolwork, yea.. that's basically it. I mean he before we went out wanted to know more about me but that's stopped. To be honest, our conversations kind of bore me. But of course I don't give up & I always try to make everything better. I don't let it be shown that any of this is bothering me. Our conversations maybe to Paul are fine and so I'll keep them going.


And then I have an even bigger problem- Jake. He is my bestest bestfriend that's a boy. I can honestly say he has been there for me always & he most likely is the closest guy to me ever. He sure sees something great in me. Lately, we've been talking as we usually do but he calls me a lot, and we said our 'love yous.' Don't worry, it wasn't an 'i love you.' We have never met (considering he lives in Michigan) so of course we cant truly love each other but we confessed whatever love we do have for each other. I feel like I get closer to him everyday and once I meet him I'll fall for him instantly. Like he's perfect but then again he's not but to me he is but its just ughhhhh.


I'm just in this whole jumble and of course I don't know exactly what I'm doing.

I wish my birthday wish came true and that everything between Josh & I worked out and we never had the problems we did.

I wish Jake lived closer or I at least lived closer to him.

I don't even know about Paul.