But in the end it's always my fault

Time & time again I am reminded that I am a terrible person. I am reminded of how manipulative I myself can be. If it weren't so then I assume most of the problems that arise in my relationships would not reoccur.
I haven't treated you fairly. You say you are upset because of how much you've wanted me to change meanwhile I keep changing you. In relationships you gotta make sacrifices and you gotta grow together. Us changing each other for what we think is the better is the whole point of being in a relationship because you allow your significant other to become the person you know they can be. I know it's not easy being blamed for something you've done wrong but for me it's just as hard to place the blame on someone other than myself. In the end I didn't give you enough attention alas you wouldn't search for it in other people. You wouldn't say the things you did to someone else if I was truly there for you. We both didn't know what was going on. I don't know why I turned so mad about everything. I didn't want you to feel hated for everything that you did but moreso and moreso I wanted you to listen. I didn't want you to keep brushing the things I was trying to explain to you off and as frustration turned to angst I didn't use you to help myself. I don't even remember what outlets I used to help myself. In the process I dug you into a whole 10 feet deep that I didn't give you the tools to get out of. And I'm here to bring things from worse to even worse because I can't control my insecurities. They won't stay at bay. And I can hardly bring myself to words when it comes to making things better.
All I do is feel.
I feel off.
I feel bothered.
I feel disappointment.
But granted you must feel worse. And I'm not trying to compare us too much although that is such a hypocritical statement because I certainly am, I want things to get better and I want us to not feel so bad. I want for you to not hate me. I know I can't hate you because you have the greatest of hearts and as uncertain as I may be I'm certain you wouldn't want to hurt me. I'm usually wrong about that statement but I'm not going to give up thinking that people aren't trying to purposely hurt others. Things you said have put into perspective that I don't know you as well as I thought I did and that is just something I'm going to have to learn. I'll never know you as much as I truly want to. I'll never be remarkable or perfect. I'll be there to mess things up. I'll be there to keep you uncertain. I'll be there to make u feel terrible. I'm not the greatest of people and I'm certainly not the greatest of girlfriends.



Here's to being unrelenting.

The Summer of Maryann

People spring themselves into your life for a reason. Maryann has been a major part every time I worked at my summer job for three summers now. Think of a spunky barely five-foot tall Italian woman from Brooklyn who claims she isn't a day over twenty-five. She used to tell the boys at my pool that with a twist of her hip every time. She's awesome and unique. She sees eye to eye with everyone and doesn't put herself above anyone. Sometimes I feel like she tries her best to agree rather than making a fuss. Maryann's always willing to hear the other side and educate herself. Being close to eighty years old, she hasn't stopped learning. I admire various personality traits and qualities that she has. Over the years it seems that she has only ever improved herself. She doesn't judge harshly what she doesn't understand. She has talked to me of her romantic fling with a gay man, growing up with a protective and respectful truck driver father, working at Bank of America, getting over speech impediments, religion, and a bunch of various topics. She's up to date with the pool and all of its lifeguards because we are her children. She never married and never had kids of her own. Throughout her community she has been a kind and friendly soul to everyone. Sometimes I feel that she can be hypocritical but who isn't?

There are a lot of things I've learned from Maryann and she doesn't mind reminding me of all she teaches me. She likes knowing things and spreading information she's certain about and isn't afraid to say or be wrong. At times I don't want to talk and I'd rather read in the sanctity of a quiet and boring pool but she has managed to keep me grounded and has shown me how much human contact can enlighten me and make me think. She helps the time go by that's for sure. I can't really put our talks or how she affects me into words but I know that we both give each other purpose in a sense. She's always there to tell stories and I'm always there to listen. I'm not afraid to disagree with her and not afraid to interject my own views and I'm glad she isn't stubborn or snotty or reprimanding. She's flexible. I believe I'll hold contact with Maryann as long as she's alive. I hope she lives for a very long time. She's an interesting soul. She means well. I'm not here to bash her. Maryann has inspired me to write this because I don't want to forget about her. I don't think I ever will but it feels good to know that something I'm writing is about an influential person in my life. I've always had a love for a person's story and getting to know Maryann certainly makes me revel in that passion. 

Note to self: read more biographies.

Geez who am I that I just left my blog unattended for so long? It takes a stir of my emotions to get me to write and let everything I need to out in the form of laptop keys into words which translate into blog posts. I'm not even sure I still know how or what to write. I'm not sure of most things -- who I want to become, how I feel, or what's going on. I'm just taking each moment as it comes and dealing with it someway I deem fit. Although, I'm not in shape for what is being thrown at me and I am struggling to keep up. 

My current boyfriend is a source of light. He is a ray of sunshine that keeps illuminating me and supporting my decisions however unpredictable, stubborn, and reckless they may be. He likes to keep me in check and I know as much as I want to rebel that he has the best of intentions and therefore I need to listen more. He has helped me pick up the pieces of my broken life from the moment we shared our first sleepover and I'm not sure he knows how much he has done/continues to do for me. He has been full of surprises since the moment I've laid eyes on him. He is a genuine human being with more care than I have ever seen compacted into a male body. If only he was here to comfort me at night. u__u

I hate that I have a hard time sleeping alone. I like to think I'm independent and here I am a self-proclaimed insomniac, re-reading old blog posts, becoming a riled mess of emotions, and blaming my boyfriend for living miles upon miles away for not curing my loneliness. I'm not really lonely or alone. I have him in spirit. He touches my soul in waves. I can't forget him. It's great I have him to love, cherish, and appreciate & he does the same for me. Long distance is incredibly hard and don't let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise. When you go from spending months sleeping side-by-side w/ an amazing person to laying in your childhood bed surrounded by pillows, that void in your heart feels almost as great as if you were the last person on Earth. I know I'm being dramatic but it's hard to explain how bad I feel when I can't talk to him and allow him to reassure me of my thoughts. I hate not being able to communicate with him but I know if I stay strong and patient he will get back to me. 

I will be seeing you soon. We don't go too long without seeing each other and that's very reassuring. I love being with you & I cannot wait! 

I assure you you're the best birthday present I'll receive this year. 
Thank you for staying with me despite all my mistakes. 
Thank you for all the chances you've given me and continue to give me. 
I hope I repay you in all the right ways. 

Thanks for not giving up on me so far.

Two opposing forces typically achieve the worst from each other yet they pull together like magnets. You'd think two positive opinions and two negative opinions would attract to each other but magnets like life don't work out that way. You disagree. You fight. You want things your way and the other person thinks the same way. Things don't work out how you've planned and if you truly want something you must fight for it.
People are just different. Personalitywise, their logic, actions, desires they all make us important in our own way. I hope you have the courage to allow yourself to show your true colors even if it's only with a special someone. Someone who appreciates you for all you put out is a keeper. If they're not afraid to tell you like it is cherish them.
In the past & currently I am not the best at being respectful, caring, sympathetic, empathetic, nice, and even loving. I am naive. I don't think I'm doing something wrong til a person tells me and then I meltdown at the hearing of all the bad traits I have although I basically knew I inherited them. I don't mean to ever hurt anyone or disrespect them or make them think I don't care for them. It's not something I mean to do. I've managed to do this quite a lot sometimes I believe I really should change but in the moment I'm me and I have a hard time changing something I'm unsure of. I sometimes think accepting someone for everything they do is a part of love. Love can stir many other emotions but true love never takes away from how much you adore, care for, and appreciate the other person. I mean I may be wrong I may have a different definition of love than you. I may believe in nothing more than a common lie. But I am passionate about one thing and that's love. It's all around us. It's within us. As is the opposite - hate - is prevalent. We decide which we want to feel. I may love going out and doing things to a certain degree. You may hate what I love. That doesn't affect how much I love you. If I love you I love all of you.
From your back freckles to your smile to your hair which I love running my fingers through to the way your arms feel when they're wrapped around me or your legs when they're intertwined with mine or your fingers as they trace my body and allow me to do the same to your brain and your curiosity and your willingness to try new things and to be better to so many more irresistible things about you; I can't get enough of you. I love it all. I love the way you make me feel for the most part and hate myself for unintentionally hurting you, yes the spite hurts but I guess I deserve it if I hurt you. You're still here and idk for how long. That's more frightening than anything. You're right any day could be our last. I hope not anytime soon. There's a lot I still would like to experience with you. I just hope you don't give up on me soon. I know you've found plenty of reasons that you might already. I know I don't do a great job of convincing otherwise and I'm sorry for that. I'm not all that great. I've warned you.

It's so hard when you feel so lonely and have a guy that you care for and want and adore far away from you and a willing ex-boyfriend. Things messed up greatly between the ex and I. I'm starting to let go of him because I want to not because I feel I need to which is great. It's more progress. I'm starting to finally adjust and think more for myself. 

It's difficult because I feel as if I can't entirely put my all into another person. I'm still scared. I did with him and then when he was gone picking up the pieces was so difficult. This kind of mind state is not fair for the person that's showing me respect & affection & everything I may not even deserve. He treats me right and I adore him for it. He's grown on me. I catch myself thinking of him and wishing he was close. I miss his kisses. I miss him. I can't wait until we are together again.

On a side note, this summer's going to be an interesting one. I can feel it.   

I am so lucky to have such a great person beside me atm. He's such a good person && appreciates me. I find him attractive and he knows how to rile me up. Meanwhile I am trying to get over someone else and that person plagues my mind. I can't help but think of him so much. I don't know how I should or want to feel. I'm just trying to let things happen and see where that takes me.


 I am just grateful that I have someone so great here. I'm trying.

Dunno

Saw you tonight & of course I still have feelings for you. Everything in me sank & I've been wanting to see you. I've practically been trying to find you in most things while also trying to get over you. It doesn't help because my heart and mind brings me back to you but I have been keeping myself distracted other ways. Helps me forget but I can't forget you. I think of you and care about you so much and that all kills me and idk why I can barely help myself. I couldn't acknowledge you & it's not like you would to me either. Haven't gone out of your way and I doubt you will. It hurts to think this. Pretty damn sad what we turned into. I'm not even sure how to react to you because I know what I want and what I should are two completely separate things and I can't do what I did before. It led to you leaving, to you losing feelings, to all the things you ever said being so completely false. Idk how I trusted you so much. Not like you're back now. Not like anything. I hate our situation. I doubt there even is one for you. I'm nothing to you. How sad is that?! I gotta stop. I really cared and loved you, I still have feelings that I can't just forget for you. But hey you don't and that's what I've been harnessing to keep me from fighting for you. You haven't fought for me. You haven't proved an ounce to me. I think about you so much. I wonder where all this thinking is going for me ...lately it hasn't helped me much. Not seeing you and creating a new life for myself  has helped but seeing you, seeing your friends, continually seeing things that remind me of you it all hurts me & I can't even believe we are no longer anything. We aren't friends. We aren't anything. We don't even talk. Last time you talked to me you said we start talking when summer comes along. I'd think if you cared for me you'd want to be in my life and talk to me but nah not you. You don't care. I shouldn't care. Dammit.