I keep trying to mold this into my brain, "maybe we shouldn't text each other every second of the day
This way we'll have more to talk about when we do text"


This will give me the ammo I need to keep myself away-- even when that's the last thing I want to do. I just want you to fight for me at this point. How can you break up with me and have me fight and do things for you meanwhile you're still trying to discover your feelings? Like how is that fair in any way?

Idk what to think ?¿

Things are so hot & cold. I lost the security I had. I want to feel safe again. As if you won't just up and leave me. But you can and well you have every right to because I suck and when you say I deserve better I know you mean it for yourself and it's true you do deserve better. That's such an old trick even I've used it. I just hate how you're pressing me. You worry me and you're always on my mind. I can't help but think of you all the time and I keep having conflicting emotions because I don't know how to feel anymore. I love you soso much and all I want is to be absorbed in your life and to have you in mine. Everything is practically perfect with you. I never thought for a second that we weren't on the same page. But no we aren't on the same page and that just frightens me. I don't want our tale to finish. I don't know how to react anymore. I don't know whether to feed into all your demands and not talk to you, or to lose you so you try and miss and care for me again as you once did. I don't know whether to fight, bother, and push myself onto you. I stay here awake at 4 in the morning when I have to get up in 6hrs feeling as if I don't know how to feel or what to do and it kills me. 

Also, no one breaks up with me, I repeat no one and you straight did it. And I felt so lost. Who knew I would become so freakin dependent on you. Are you even the slightest bit on me? I thought you used to be but I can't tell anymore.


It hurts to hear someone who I want to talk to every second of every day and want to spend time with and the whole nine yards with be like I think a break would be great for us or we don't have to talk every day, we'll have more to talk about if we don't. I never run out of conversation and it should be an honor that I even text someone so much or want to, ya know? Are you texting and fulfilling yourself elsewhere? Ugh I hate this so much. It makes me shake and makes me lose my appetite and just completely changes my feelings. No matter where I am I can't fully be happy when we are on bad terms. You're at the back of my mind l:


I just want carefree love. A type that I feel solace and comfort from. One in which I don't have to be frightened of you leaving me behind at any second. What the hell do you want??? I miss you so. I hope things get better but I have been losing hope. You give me some hope and then at other times you take any inkling I had left away and leave me clueless fighting fits of confusion, anger, and sadness.

I'm trying for you baby. I look at things you used to say to me and imagine you saying this to me now as if it will console me. It's so hard. I want us more than anything I've ever wanted. I see myself with you and everyone else doesn't even compare to you and the way you can make me feel. No I don't feel crazy fireworks or crazy bliss every time I'm with you but I at least feel complete. I want better than what we used to have & I hope to attain it but I'm going to wait on you because I don't want to be the only one making things happen. I can't pull us out of this when I didn't put us in it but I'll try. You hurt me more than anything before and still and I think back to when I unintentionally hurt you and I guess I deserve it.


Just please try to see things through my eyes. I'm trying to figure things through yours but it's so hard because my feelings for you are only changed because I know yours might have. I can't imagine how that just happens. Are you turned off by me? When I see you I see such a handsome, talented, amazing person what else could I possibly want besides your attention, care, love, and affection? But doubt you see any of that in me and I don't blame you.


well here's to the best /:

Tonight

I had you in my arms & at any given moment it could've been the last time we ever encountered each other. I can't explain how much I appreciate you but I do, oh so much, I do appreciate you. If there's one person I'd want to dedicate my life to it would be you. There is no doubt in my mind that you'd do the same for me. I hate not knowing what to do/what to say to make things better. Not knowing what reaction I will stir from you after provoking you scared me more than anything. Being in an uncontrollable situation that I myself have caused by saying what I did is not my kind of goodbye. I guess I'm glad I brought it out in the open. Take it or leave it I suck and it's up to you if you want to deal with me. I'm cruel. I'm special. I'm unappreciative. But I don't ever mean to hurt anyone. I don't mean to provoke anger/sadness/envy.

I saw you walking away from me but holding yourself back. I was frozen with fear. I could make things worse, watch me, I know I can. But I went to you. I didn't know what to say and I say all the wrong things regardless. Whatever I say or do won't help if you won't let it. I saw the anger, how shaken you were, just all of the hurt I inflicted. I wish it wasn't this way

:'/

 I cried over the possibility of losing him. I'm a sucker . I've gone soft. My friends were right this iron heart is beating.

I'm here once again but no worries I am not torn into pieces! -- At least not that many...

Things for the most part for me have been going swell. I can't complain (too much). 

I have a genuine, kindhearted, intelligent, astonishing, sweet, loving, compassionate, caring, enthusiastic, talented, heartwarming, stimulating, downright amazing, and many many more complimenting features in the form of a boyfriend. My boyfriend. It's still kind of crazy to me that I have him to call my own. He's been here for me for almost 3 months. We're crazy addicted to each other. After countless nights and days and bubble teas as well as other adventures he never ceases to amaze me. He comforts me (even when I don't deserve it). He acknowledges my existence. He flatters me. He continues to make me feel better about myself. I trust him with all that I have. I feel no doubt in saying that he is one of the most important and loveliest people that I have ever had the opportunity of meeting. He has shown me great music and continues to do so. He continually shows me respect in a way that I am hardly even used to. He heightens my curiosity and keeps me on the edge of things. I just see sososo many beautiful things in him. Not to mention how handsome he is. C; I don''t know enough words to describe just how awesome he truly is. To think two strangers from a concert could blossom into so much more completely baffles me. 


Passion certainly has a mind of its own. 
We all have minds of our own. Even if some people don't like to use them to their fullest advantage. 
To think our minds and our hearts have predetermined that we shall like/understand/adhere/respond/want/need each other is unbelievable.  

I just hope nothing gets in our way. 
I hope nothing gets between us. 
Nothing. 
Not anyone. 
Not anything. 
Not distance. 
Not any potentially threatening factor. 

I see us both trying to make things work regardless of any circumstance. 
I see us believing in each other. 
I see us sad as well as happy. 
I see us bitter as well as consolidated. 
I see us tense as well as anxious.
I hope the good outweighs the bad.  

Cannot Help But Hate This

I hate how I feel like I can never escape.
I hate the fact that I'm even home right now.
I'm cringing being here.

Is anyone else as unhappy as I am at this dark hour? 

Are you alone like I am?