I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUUUUU

It has been decided against my better judgement that I shall spend tonight venting out whatever feelings are still floating throughout my mind in the form of a poorly written blog. All those that wish to no longer become intertwined with the inner-workings of a suckish 17yr old's life may proceed to read no further. You've been warned.

Would you take someone else's trust for granted?

I wish it wasn't this way. 
I wish you didn't give me hope. 
I wish you didn't waste your time speaking to me. 
I wish you didn't have the ability to blind me with excitement and lust. 

How does a person go from talking to another human being for three straight days (mind you flirtatious talk consumed most of the conversation) to having yourself a girlfriend? How can you tease/please one person meanwhile calling another "baby"? Why do I bother asking questions that will never be answered nonetheless ever be seen by he who this post is precisely about?

I sit here listening to the 'Pierce the Veil Radio' of Pandora which I know offers me no consolation and I completely embrace this. Is this maybe why I don't mind bringing you back into my life? I had my own hunches. I knew to keep my guard up when it came to you. But I neglected this because of some stupid hope that maybe you aren't some sort of deviant. 

Is it right of you to do this to me a second time? Regardless I don't own the proper lady bawls to tell you off. How can I hypocritically ask you to stop speaking to others when I refused to stop? I doubt you realize this even hurts me.. Do you seek revenge? If only I could refute your cruel actions. 

I wonder what you think of me. Who am I to you? Or perhaps what am I to you? Do you prefer to use me or abuse me? 

Once again I'll push you away from my life. 
I don't want to see you. 
Please don't string me along more. 
I can't take it.

I need to stop. Why am I still obsessing over you? I can answer my own question; you are so damn addicting. All I need to see is interest from you and I swoon.

Moronic Behavior Will NOT Be Tolerated

You're just a self-righteous, moronic individual and I don't understand why I am even affiliated with you. I can hold a grudge and just watch me I will. Don't worry I'll treat you just as you treated me- with every bit of care you gave me tonight- oh wait what care?

You call me disrespectful yet I went out of my way yest and actually got things done.
You compare yourself to the parents' of a dear bestfriend of mine and state that they'd never go out of their way to drive around.. This morning that same friend's dad drove me to school and this has been at least the 10th time that he's done this for me just this school year.
You call yourself some sort of limo service however you're driving a Honda Accord sit the hell down.
You can't even drive - thank you for crossing over an illegal barrier on a main road twice.
You complained about driving two friends home although I NEVER asked you. I asked someone else who had given me consent.
You didn't even pick us up from the correct place.
You're just ridiculous.

I don't see how someone could only care about themselves and be so blatantly oblivious as you are.

THANK YOU FOR RUINING WHAT COULD'VE BEEN A GREAT NIGHT FOR ME.

^ yes this is the sickest sarcasm.

As if I don't have enough things to stress about you made my life that much worse.

But nono keep yelling and complaining and doing all the things that your crappy personality entails. I'm sure this will help your charming iridescence ensue (more sick sarcasm).

I'd like to finish all my college apps and to get everything in so I could go a solid day without worrying but I doubt that's going to happen. :/ Just this week a 15yr old girl, a sophomore from my high school, jumped in front of a train and passed away due to this action. This was her alternative to escaping bullying and other troubles in her life. Although I never knew this girl I feel for her and I hope she is in a better place rn. Her situation made me feel completely empty. Every day people complain about things that they can either control, fix, or just aren't worth complaining about and SO many entities are taken advantage of.

I can honestly say I am grateful for my momma & certain friends of mine. I do not know what I would do without them.

So today, Oct 26th 2012, I had a half-day of school due to parent-teacher conferences. I went over my bestfriend Lucia's house and we then got Country Donuts [which is downright delicious]. We then watched a movie- Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Then we went for an hour bike ride to rid ourselves of the fatness we consumed earlier. Afterwards she introduced me to a veddy interesting tv show- "Revolution." We watched an episode and a half before preparing ourselves for a Halloween party. After transforming myself into a cowgirl and she turned into a masquerade-fairy-with various weapons we proceeded to walk to the train, take the train to Huguenot (passed the memorial of the girl mentioned above^), and then walked to our friend's house.

The party consisted of beer (which I am not a fan of since I find it bitter), trackies (which are some of the greatest people I know), random institute kids (that are all amazing as well), Pinnacle, and just a good time. There were no fights. No one had gotten so ridiculously out of control. Everyone seemed to love each other and just enjoy each other's company and everyone was happy. I felt like I had no worries and no stress for once {too good to be true I should know this}. A couple of the people at the party were getting high and I didn't take advantage of this opportunity and some kid even had some things with him that he was selling. I now regret not embracing this convenience.

But the main jist of this comes after this when my friends were no longer in my presence and turmoil, absurdity, and ignorance transpired. I have no will-power to go over the event because I have already broken down, cried, and just battled between anger and complete sorrow about it and do not want to even deal with this outrageousness. It's not even worth it.

All I know is I am not acknowledging anyone's existence that is detrimental to my own. #sorrynotsorry

Casola Farm

So of course, as usual, I have a lot on my mind. It's currently 12:31am here and I could be a) sleeping b) reading this book I like aka Perks of Being a Wallflower b4 it comes out in theatres or c) watching a movie or d) sleeping. Oh well, in another life I believe I was most likely an owl so that's my reasoning for never sleeping at this hour :X

Tonight was interesting. My momma, her friend (Tota Nada) , and I went to Casola Farm in Marlboro, New Jersey. It's this place where for October//Halloween time they have a 'Hayride of Terror', 'Haunted Wooded Trail', 'Haunted Barn', and 'Livin Maze'. This was my 2nd time going, my 1st time was 2yrs ago. If you like Fright Fest and/or Blood Manor / places where they pay people to purposely scare you, you'll definitely like this place! When I arrived I saw all these couples and I cannot stand the fact that I'm actually jealous of every single one of them. Just the fact that they look so happy with each other jakshdiuiwe. Anyways, I never like the barn, even when you see the scary people and even if you tell them you see them they still come over to you and they're always popping out of places trying to scare you. During the maze the scariest part wasn't the actors but some random 13yr old that jumped out of some bushes and yelled at us.

My favorite part of tonight however was the hayride. :3 There was this hot guy and he sat next to me. So on one side I had momma's arm wrapped into mine and in another I had mystery hot boy = pretty decent combination. When I sat down the girl across from me told me if I get scared I could hold onto him and I was very quick to say "no i won't!" At the same time we all told each other that we had each other's backs. As the hayride proceeded, by the time we were frightened with, Freddy, Jason, scary clowns, random zombies, and the girl from the Ring had jumped onto the ride, got in all of our faces, and yelled intolerable things he sat a whole lot closer. I had my left leg up on the hay barrel kinda on him and he was keeping it so warm, it was lovely. I told him not to mind my leg because he was keeping it nice and warm and he didn't mind one bit. We talked throughout the ride and when a scary character was approaching (one touched my hair oh.my.god. that was the scariest moment for me!!!) he would elbow my elbow with his, as subtle as this is idk I just appreciated it. Maybe if my momma wasn't sitting so close and stuff I'd have jumped/held onto him. I honestly wasn't even that scared but I would've done it just because well hey ya know hot guy on hayride and I'm single who wouldn't take that opportunity !? He had a Mets cap, these tan skinny jeans, and a hoodie, and he had this swoopy cute hair I mean cmon. At one point he was just like look at these stars they're so nice & they truly were. All these couples on the ride were holding each other and it truly twas precious. Now that I think of it I could've asked him all this stuff but whatever. Anyways I doubt he'd be interested. I have no name, no digits, and I doubt I'd ever again see him. Not like he asked for either of those things from me anyways so ah well.


Each season I find more and more reasons why I'd like to be in a relationship and want to call someone else mine as they do the same to me. I find more and more things we would be able to do/share/make.

In this one summer reading book I read this year I liked this paragraph:

"It was a confusing proposition to want a girl you'd already had and couldn't get because you had; a situation common in his life, of having first and then wanting what he had had, as if he hadn't had it but just heard about it, and it had, in the hearing, aroused his appetite. He even wished he had not had her that night, and wondered-say he hadn't-whether he would be in the least interested in her today."

Gosh that's my life right there. ^^^ 

I think what if I'd never gotten myself into a relationship? I'd have been completely oblivious to all these feelings and would've felt a different bit of loneliness. But the fact that I enjoyed a relationship as much as I had makes me strike through all these thoughts.

As I sit here, alone, comforted by a laptop light and a keyboard as well as my dear cat Lily, as much as I appreciate all that I do have, I can't help wanting more.

No one has bothered to talk to me as they've used to. No one has drawn my attention. I'm just bored.


 Not that I'm advertising or anything(;
http://www.triplecnurseries.com/haunted/main.html

All that needs to be said

That feeling when you haven't been kissed in what feels like forever & your heart just sinks repetitively and it's only you and that person out of all others in the entire world for that moment ...

Yrs L8r Still Overthinking

I've come to terms with the fact that things will never be the same. As bittersweet as it may sound I am okay with that. He may always go back and forth in my life and he'll always have a permanent placehold somewhere deep within me but we just aren't compatible with each other. It's taken me long enough to believe it though. Of course I'll still miss him on occasion. I'll still long for us to be together -- not in a relationship-- just spending time together doing nothing important in particular.

This doesn't mean I won't be there for him. I've pinky promised him and well most of my pinky promises I have held true. I'll continue to hold onto them because they are important to me & they've always been.

He was speaking truthfully when he said I deserve better. I mean I should deserve better as does he. As much as he loves speaking about the marines and just everything he hardly asks me about myself or well anything. He clearly doesn't care about me in that way and I should've seen that sooner.

This isn't meant to bash him in anyway. I'm just trying to rearrange my thoughts and for some reason the clearest way for me is to just write the first thing that comes to mind :X

One of the greatest letters I have ever read (as cliche as it is) is the letter written by Noah to Allie in The Notebook.

"My Dearest Allie, 

I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees,
learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds,
and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever.

I love you. I'll be seeing you.
Noah "

Noah honestly couldn't have said it any better if someone has spared their time, has given you the time of day, has opened up to you, has allowed you to do the same back, and is just there for you- providing happiness, warmth, love, all that they'd hope to receive back that person shouldn't be bashed when it's over. That person deserves just as much as you do to be appreciated. I believe something was there between Josh and I in our relationship. The fact that I still bring it up years later astonishes me but as it was my first relationship I entitle myself to compare everything to it. (Even when I shouldn't)

There was a combination of happiness, naivety, insecurity, corruption, tension, fun, and I still believe love. And Fall Out Boy truly has said it the best, "thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great."

When It Goes Bad

I should probably fill in with most of the details. So I mean we haven't been talking for 10 days. Once again I have pulled him out of my life. And if you haven't already guessed this post is about Josh.


Basically I had a magnificent Friday and Saturday night with him. ((May 11-12)) We walked. We talked. We held hands. We kissed. Back to the good old times. I wouldn't have changed a single thing about those nights. There are some things he said that did bother me but out of anyone he could get away with them.


On Monday ((May 14th)) I received information that he sent Brittany all this dirty/kinky stuff. I saw the texts with my very own eyes. It was just ridiculous. It made me feel so stupid. I just couldn't believe it. I was glad I saw it that way I couldn't come off as anymore of an idiot but still something like that kills. I was falling for him and he was going around talking to another girl like that. I could only imagine how many other girls he talks to. I just couldn't believe how stupid I was being. At first I was in disbelief then I was just upset. I couldn't help but feel jealous. I know that I have no right to just control who or how he speaks to anyone else. We aren't/weren't going out. He's allowed to do whatever he'd like. It's just, Saturday night I told him I loved him. I meant every word of it. The texts he sent were sent on Sunday & we were still talking. We weren't on the best of terms and the conversation wasn't the greatest but still. It wasn't at the same particular time but still !!  It just wasn't right. He chucked freakin hearts at me and all this stuff. Don't lead me on like that. I would fall for it all though. This is how our conversation ended on Sunday night.
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1st

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2nd I was just saying what I thought.

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3rd It just bothered me what how he was belittling me.

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5th At least I tried.

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4th

Honestly he's a big baby. He freakin "whatever" and "k"'s me. Like that solves anything!??! Then May 15th which is the next day I didn't speak or see him or anything. I come home exhausted even though I didn't have track and just went straight to my parents' bedroom to nap things off. All of this going on just ruined my days. I know being happy and everything being so perfect was too good to be true but just sahfawlehgerilnbk. I was just so hopeful about everything. I felt like we just were so close and invincible. Maybe he is, but I for sure am not. I awoke at around 10:30 to an "I'm sorry" text he sent at 8:04. Brittany told him that she showed me all the texts. I had wanted to bring all this up to him but I just couldn't. I already knew this was ruining whatever relationship we were developing but I just didn't want to cause more problems. This is what ensued:

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2

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1

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4

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3 I bet he only think he's dumb because he got caught in the act.

6


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5 See how quick he was to just 'leave me alone'

I should've gotten the hint then and there







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8


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7




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9 He told Brittany the same exact thing
about making up
I didn't wanna tell him i loved him
especially since at that moment that was
definitely not how i felt about him; i felt too
bad not to say it though



<><> <><> <><>

9 why the heck was he upset?
all that happened to him was he got caught -__-

 



11




10 He makes himself out to be such a victim






13 freakin baby 'k'd me.



12 it's cool when he does care though

It ended there. By then I was bawling my eyes out and ended up crying myself to sleep that night. I didn't know who to believe. He was done with this "drama." So sorry for the inconvenience. This is all what Brittany had been sending me:




This is what Brittany sent him
before he told me "I'm sorry"




doesn't he sound like the biggest jerk-off?






 

 



Seeing all of this hurt me. It actually did. I can honestly say I was really falling for him and he made me so happy. Reconnecting with him as much as we did was one of the greatest things I've experienced in a longlong time. I was looking forward to seeing/talking to him. But after something like this I wanted to push myself oceans away from him. I was just done. I felt so stupid for not listening to my friends. They all told me not to get back into this. I could care less because I was happy. One of my close friends told me I should be playing the game back at him. I wouldn't do that to him though. I wasn't gonna be all manipulative. I wasn't going to go around behind his back. When I was talking to him that's exactly what I was doing. That's all I wanted to do. I made myself to be such an oblivious idiot. The worst part is that that's something I AM NOT.

 

guilty conscience

I am currently talking to him and I just think it's a wee bit funny that he may just feel a bit guilty. When you read this you might realize that he got a bit defensive and I could only imagine why. Lol. Aha!


Segundo



Primer



Tercer


























Whatta flawless cover-up. Too bad I know certain things. Whoopsie :3

Nights, Days, and All that's In-Between

Okay so there are a few things I must go over. I’ll just start from 4/19 to tonight….

                So on 4/19 all was well. Josh and I were talking and everything seemed fine and dandy but I felt like I should mention something to him. I didn’t have to tell him this or anything but I felt as if I should and I wanted his opinion.

This ensued:

I couldn’t believe he’d say this to me. He just became a complete jerk-off. He didn’t allow me to explain myself, ask me any questions whatsoever, and basically it just seemed as if he didn’t care. Obviously he didn’t because for the next 4 days we didn’t talk. I couldn’t believe him though.  I did it for an experience. I did it because I’ve always been curious of this sort of thing. I’d like to have at least once seen “what it’s all about.” This doesn’t make me a pothead. It doesn’t change who I am as a person. I wasn’t going to be that annoying person to text people all out of it and blast it in everyone’s faces. No. I just did it because I was comfortable with those I’d be doing it with and I just wanted to have a little fun.

                On 4/20 right after school I took the bus with Lucia to her house. Then we met up with Emily and Evelyn and we saw the movie “The Lucky One.” I really enjoyed it. The main character was a marine (cough cough) and the girl he liked performed the greatest during her cross country high school track career (just happens to be my favorite season). I loved seeing how attached two people may become. It’s one thing I appreciate about love stories/movies. You can just feel/see/hear the passion running through each character. You feel a lasting connection, or at least I did. Then we went back to Evelyn’s and she made the special brownies. That night I had around 5-6 brownies and at first I didn’t feel it. Later on though it definitely came to me. I felt something weird in my throat like an air bubble or something and I couldn’t help but want to laugh, all the time! It was terrible. I laugh so much as it is that when I was watching videos of 4/20 the next day and I just don’t understand what I thought was so funny. Sometimes though I laugh because I’m enjoying myself.  It’s just something I’m always doing. ((Call me weird)) Also after watching videos of myself and my friends I realized that my voice became very high-pitched. I’ve never been high before and I felt a little light-headed. I functioned quite normally, well to the best of my ability. I saw, heard, smelled, and felt everything that was going on around me and I could remember everything the next day, which mind you was a race- Big Blue. :X I had a lot of energy but Evelyn wanted to sleep at around 9! I was just perishing I wanted to do something, anything! My other friend Lucia, the entire night she became extremely paranoid at me and kept yelling at me and calling me a spy and whatnot. I think she realized that I was taping us tehe. Ya know it was an experience. Would I ever do it again? Maybe but definitely not anytime soon. Maybe next year, maybe in a few years, maybe never even.  It’s something I can live without and be completely content with.

                The thing that made me most upset about the whole Josh situation was just the fact that he shut me out so quickly. With less than a handful of words, he wasn’t there for me. Most friends of mine, regardless of whether they disagreed or agreed with my decision, were are least there for me. They gave me whatever advice they could. They gave me their opinions which is all I really wanted. They didn’t just stop talking to me. All I know is I know he was unhappy about it. I know he’s unhappy or angry when his texts miraculously contain correct punctuation. His almighty periods change the entire tone of his texts.  He told me he was skeeved out. He had the audacity to talk to one of my close friends, the next day after he said the rude things he did, telling her that what I was about to do is a turn-off. He couldn’t even talk to me about this. He didn’t make any effort to see me or anything. “And so be it,” I figured. He could go behind my back and talk all this stuff about me a lot of the time just what is the point of it? That’s not going to change anything really. It just makes me think of him as a snitch. I wasn’t going to not do it because of him. I can have my own fun. After knowing that he said things behind my back I showed some friends his texts and they said things along the lines of “he’s a dick” “he’s a jerk” and “how could he say that to you?”.   My friend that he told that to also went off on him. She says she yelled at him calling him a hypocrite. I mean he used to smoke. I wasn’t going to smoke. I also found out that same day he was with kids that were going to and he had some on him. I don't see how that's fair in any way. What I was doing was different but still. I understand that that’s not something he does anymore and would probably not resort back to but cmon why go off on me so harshly?

Then I received this text:

                Of course I’ve missed him. He’s one person I just can’t stop thinking about. It bothered me sosososo much that we didn’t talk or see each other. I was just thinking “great, he’s not going to talk to me ever again.” I figure I deserve someone who’ll be there for/with me through anything but hey no that’s not possible, what kind of sick dream is that? Throughout those 4 days I would envision matters I wanted to tell him or show him and then would hold myself back. It was absolutely terrible. I knew I shouldn’t text him, especially first back. How could I talk to him when I’m just going to bother him by continuing this so called ‘twice ended’ conversation? But I was soso happy he finally texted me you have no idea. I did know that I had to let him know what I really felt, and I did. He didn’t have much to say though :| I’d have liked him to ask me about my experience or at least how I felt.

                This week was just very busy for me. It was filled with NHS practices, the last spring series race, Penn Relays, National Honor Society, and then today.

                Penn Relays was fun! Of course I enjoy the time I spend with the track girls. It’s impossible not to be happy around them. They’re a ball of fun and they’re all amazing. Each and every one of them (well not everyone but mostly) make my time spent extremely special and enjoyable.  Coming back from Penn Relays, Brianna and I went straight to NHS. During the ceremony, my parents sat there like lumps. My grandma wasn’t even there. :( My bestfriend, Kaitlyn’s parents were taking pictures of her (and me!) during the ceremony. They actually made me feel special. They congratulated me and everything. My parents, one of the first things they told me was yelling at me for what I was wearing and criticizing that I went for a cookie and cake (didn’t have any real food the entire day!). They didn’t ask me how my trip went. They wanted me to just leave. Then they go on to ask me what I missed in school. I also was lectured on picking up my grades as usual. I had so much work to complete and they told me that getting into NHS is a tough process. It includes not only grades but service and leadership. My parents however can’t even acknowledge my progress. I don’t do it for them. I do it for myself but still, they treat it as if all I do is go out and not do any hard work at all. I’m up late at nights doing homework, spending time away from my delightful bed to get my work done.  I had a PowerPoint presentation to complete, an English and physics test the following day, a Spanish dialogue to memorize, and math homework to complete. Sometimes I question how I handle everything and then I just remember that I must. In the real world (because the world I’m living in is currently such a fantasy) supposedly there are no do-overs, assignment must be completed, tasks are tremendous, and it’s all up to you. That is why I take the time out to do all that I can now. I’ve always valued a strong work ethic and I take pride in how responsible I am.

Today was just an interesting day (4/27).  I heard something I didn’t quite want to hear but I needed to know. My bestfriend Brittany showed me texts that Josh texted her the day before at around 12 which at that time he was talking to me but he stopped. He texted her this big paragraph that went along the lines of ‘I know this beautiful girl and her name’s Brittany and I really like her and want to make her happy and wish she felt the same way back” or something completely gay like that. It honestly shocked me. I couldn’t believe it. He’s told me some things like this before. I see girls all over his wall on facebook and stuff but I’ve never really felt any competition against any of them, I just I guess I assumed that he liked me more than he really does. I could only imagine how many other girls he says this to. It just made me feel so stupid. Brittany was sorry for telling me this but I’m glad she did, if I didn’t know I’d just be such a complete idiot. I actually felt betrayed. I’ve felt jealous before but yep I definitely felt an immense green monster bursting out inside of me.  I know that we aren’t going out, he has full control of his life, I don’t claim him and we don’t have each other. But why chuck hearts and “I love you"'s at me and say all these things and flirt with me when you’re flirting with other girls. I felt terrible. I felt used. I don’t know how to explain it but I felt as if I’m just one girl within a set which just happens to be there for him at that given moment. The thing is he’s hooked up with a ton of girls, I bet he talks to a ton of girls. I’d be stupid not to think he does. But why the hell do I care so much? One of my friends asked me why this bothered me so much. My other friend was astonished she was just saying do you see what he looks like how could he even get so many girls? It made me want to not text him and I figured I absolutely could not text him first after this. If he wanted anything to do with me he’d have to actually make an attempt. It makes me feel tied to a web of some sort. I have no intention of escaping either. I shouldn’t pull myself further into it but it’s as if I want the spider to come kill and eat me first. The things you don’t want to hear but can’t stop nor change or unhear, that stuff can hurt.  

At track we ran to Idaho and then my coach Mr. Lopez bought the girls who showed up to the Friday practice Ralph’s ices and then we walked (some) and ran back to Tottenville. It was great. Afterwards we got out around 4 and was waiting for the bus I tell you more than an hour! I ran to catch the bus and ended up catching a 55, and then another 55 came by. A 56 came and then when it was around 25meters away it turned into a 55. It was just awful! I was supposed to go home, change, get rid of my bags, get some things ready, and then go to my bestfriend Lauren’s house. My phone died before I even got on the bus and I had to borrow a random girl’s phone just to message her telling her I was going straight to her house.

This is the 2nd time I am writing this. My 1st one deleted on me and so this one I am sure will not be as great. Ughhhhh

Anyways wherever I left off I am happy C: However things are going now, I’m happy they’re going.

Right now it’s spring break. I had an extremely eventful 1st day/night of Spring Break. During the day I donated blood for the 1st time. I had to get both my middle fingers pricked because my blood wasn’t coming out. Turns out those who eat raisins and veggies and fruits have more iron in their bloodstream which causes their blood to clot better. At least now I know that in a life or death situation I’d be better off. As everyone sat upright during their blood donating I was laid down. The lady said it was because I was 16 and small. I asked her what planet she was on that she thought I was small. She was like your arms/wrists and body is small! I couldn’t believe her. It kinda made my day. She said I was small for the donating world. Supposedly the procedure was only supposed to take 5-20mins but it took me around 45mins-1hr. I kept pumping but my blood would come out slowly. I believe I donated a pint of blood. I was also rushing because I actually wanted to take my physics test but I ended up missing it :( No worries I took it later on that day. Apparently after donating blood you can’t workout for 48hrs so no track practice for me and it was cancelled anyways. I ended up going to the mall with Emily and Evelyn and then grabbing some unbaked St. Patty’s day Pillsbury cookies and making them and completely eating them all ((they were veddy delicious)) :3. After this Evelyn and I decided we needed to go for a walk. We walked from Mike’s Place in Annadale to the Conference House all the way in Tottenville which is about 5.2mi from 6:30-8:30 which is about 2hrs! We had to pee really badly on the way so we were forced to go in a gas station and let’s just say never forget to bring tissues with you. Ever. It was purely disgusting! Once we got to the Conference House we had to pee again and we went to Egger’s and bought some candy and used their actually clean bathroom. It was beautiful. Anyways later on we met up with Josh and his cousin, Brandon. Evelyn and I both thought that Josh’s cousin was hot. Not saying that I don’t think Josh is hot, oh he is but still. I’ve heard quite a few stories about him and never got to meet him and actually got a chance to meet him today. So we ended up walking to the train that way Evelyn and I could make it back to her car. Evelyn’s bro Oscar picked us up from the station and on our way to the car he raced this hot guy in the car next to us. Of course the hot guy won but still it was really quite amusing.

Then we go back and pick up Josh and Brandon. We brought them back to Evelyn’s. There we did quite a bit of drinking. We had Coconut Ciroc vodka followed by rum and then finishing it with some classy merlot. Lol. Josh got really drunk. He wanted to. He got really happy and turned into
someone completely not himself, I just didn’t like it. He aggravated me. Throughout the whole night I wouldn’t really believe that he was “drunk.” I felt like he was putting on this whole show. By the end of the night he hit me in the face 4x and proposed to me twice. He would make out with mid-air and when he would kiss me it would be so sloppy that I didn’t want to kiss him at
all. Some of the things he would say I just didn’t want to listen to. He would just say the most ridiculous things. I mean sure some of it was amusing but I really didn’t enjoy it. Oscar and Brandon were better off and were able to take care of themselves. I mean he was really happy so I’m glad but still. I think he’s way funnier and such a better person when he’s sober. My favorite moment of the night had to be singing in the backseat with Brandon when Evelyn was driving the two of them home. Josh was sleeping and it was the one time when I wasn’t worrying about him as much and just enjoying myself. I didn’t have to worry about any of his drunk actions either.

The next morning I got around 6 messages from Josh saying he was sorry about the night before. I told him it’s fine I mean I figured it was just a one night thing. I don’t think I ever want to experience him drunk ever again though. It’s just not fun, well for me it’s not. On Friday I went bowling with the trackies and then to the mall and then back to chichi’s and watched the original American Pie while eating dominos tehe. Evelyn came over and then we left together. We ended up picking up Josh and Brandon from the movies after they saw American Reunion. We didn’t know where to go or what to do :/ We could’ve gone back to Evelyn’s but we didn’t really want a repeat of the night before and also Evelyn had plans but they were pushed back later. We ended up driving aimlessly to the Conference House and chilling there for a bit.

Okay my personal opinion: I dislike PDA. If I’m with a group of people I don’t like anyone feeling left out or making anyone feel awkward or anything like that. If it’s super quiet in a car I don’t think that’s the best time to kiss someone. Not saying I don’t want to I just think that there’s a
better time for that. Like when you’re one-on-one with that person or in private or surrounded by people who you aren’t socializing with. But Josh didn’t like that. Later on that night he texted me saying thanks for wanting my cousin or something like that. Ok I thought his cousin was cute but no. I wouldn’t go for his cousin. That’s ridiculous! I sat in the backseat to be with him. I had Evelyn drive me/us around the past 2 days for him. I wanted to see/be with him before he went to Florida. The thing is that when we were in her car talking some of the stuff I already knew Josh’s experiences/opinions on and I wanted to hear Evelyn’s and Brandon’s. After that ittybitty scuffle things did get better though. By the end of the night I called Josh babe C: I just felt like it was right.

Anyways things are great. I’m soso happy we are back in each other’s lives. We even told each other we loved each other. Sometimes I actually get bored during our conversations though. I get tired of the repetitive hearts and kissy faces and miss yous. Don’t get me wrong I like them
but I just feel like I’m always seeing them! Sometimes I really wish that he’d just ask me questions. I feel like I’m the only one actually trying to talk about something different. I feel like I actually want to get to know him and not talk about the same thing all the time. Sometimes I feel like not talking to him for an entire day so we’d actually have something to talk about the next day, how bad is that!? Sometimes I don’t tell him things in hopes that maybe he’ll ask me about them but he never seems to ask or anything. Like I previously give a general answer in hopes that he’ll ask me about anything. It could be any question from something as small as “what are you doing tomorrow?” to just a random question or something, I don’t know I’d just really like that. I
especially hate the one word answers or when he says “hmm” I never feel like answering those but of course I do anyways. It’s weird that I actually want the conversation going even though sometimes I feel like I’m engaging in it the most.

But I’m happy with the way things are. I really am. <3

So I texted him Friday, Feb 17th 2011, asking him for a workout considering I sprained my ankle on Valentine's day & I don't know, we kind of talked that day in the office. I am in desperate need of any workouts considering I can't do anything with my freakin boot ((btw I named her Barbara)) I'll be chillin with her for the next 2 weeks and then I'll start physical therapy, can't wait! ((catch my sarcasm?)) Oh and my foot's turning blue, I'm not even kidding.

Today, is the 21st & we are still talking and I'm so happy about it. It is so bad! He's upstate right now and I'm back in Staten Island and just the way we've been talking it's as if nothing's ever been wrong. We send kissy faces & hearts to each other ! We tell each other how much we want to cuddle. We TALK! He tells me all these great things and I'm just super happy for him. He just seems so happy. C:


I still notice that sometimes he goes into these phases when he's upset & those phases always worry me. But I always do my best to be there for him. Whatever friendship we have right now I don't want to lose it. Not Again.


Also, the past two nights he's been getting "drunk." I refuse to believe it because when he's writing to me there's no slur of words. He would answer me back just as quick as he would if he was sober. I just don't believe someone's drunk if they have the consciousness to be able to text someone else, ya know? It also isn't hot. It's not a turn-on in anyway whatsoever. I can't carry out a conversation with someone who's drunk. I like don't wanna hear any of it. It also makes me doubt everything that's being said.

But you know what's the worst. He has a girlfriend. Yet, he's keeps saying he misses me. He's saying he wants to cuddle and kiss me. And there's no doubt about it since he even includes my name in texts. This isn't even stopping me like I could care less about this other girl.


The thing is I also care about what others will say. No matter how happy I am talking to him I know how some of my friends feel about him. I was slapped 4x by my bestfriend. I haven't told my other bestfriend that I started talking to him yet but she supports me no matter what. She may not agree & I have a feeling a lot of my friends won't agree but for once if it's something that makes me happy, I don't wanna give up on it. If when I kiss him it feels like we are the only two people in the world & it's just right & no one else matters how could I just lose someone who makes me feel that way?

Call me crazy..

BTW Paul & I have ended after 15 days. I don't even acknowledge that relationship. It just didn't mean anything to me. We weren't right for each other. It just didn't go.I'm sorry for wasting his time.

If I Could Take It Back..

There's just so much I want to tell you. I want to text you so badly. It's killing me. I want to tell you 3 little words- "I Miss You." But then again, I want to text you everything that's been on my mind. I want you there for me again. I just want you.

But I can't have you. I refuse to bother you. I mean you have a new girlfriend now, and your life seems to be going so well. I mean it seems like you two love each other after less than a week of going out or maybe the facebook posts are just deceiving me.

My greatest mistake has got to be giving up on you. I know you would never do that to me and that's just another reason why you don't deserve someone like me.

We talked normally last Friday. He has no idea how much it meant to me. I cannot believe I had the courage to start a conversation with him. I kept repeating the line I was going to say to him over and over in my head. To be honest, I didn't even know I was going to be in the same room as him, I mean I had the slightest hint I might see him but I wasn't thinking anything much of it. I said, "that's the sweatshirt that.." he knew what I was talking about. That green sweater.. that interesting day in the spring.

The day I took him to Village Greens for the first time & we went on the swings. I was on the swing and he was facing me & of course I remember wearing my aviators and he was in shorts and that green sweater. He were talking to me and "smart" me decided to start swinging on the swing not knowing that one of the pockets of his sweater was hooked on my swing. And that's how his left pocket broke. Lol it makes me laugh just thinking about it.

Well, he seemed to remember and he even kind of showed me his pocket from where he was. & it's still broken ! I was going to fix it too ! Lol ! I don't know why this amuses me so much but it does.

It meant that much more to me that he was telling me about PT & exercises and just everything. I really enjoyed catchup. I was actually really interested in hearing all those things. I was even more surprised that he was so willing to speak to me & that he had so much to say to me. It has given me some sick hope that I've been holding onto for the past couple days & still hold onto.

If I were to text him, I'd tell him that I keep thinking about what my life would be like with him still in it. I keep imagining us still a couple, still together, and still happy. I'd tell him that he was absolutely correct that night when we were fighting on my step & he wanted me to make the decision between a party and himself. I would miss a zillionbillionsextillionshwillionmillion, basically a gigantic number, of parties just for a few hours to hangout with him. To be in his arms and speak to him & learn more about each other & adventure and laugh with him, and dance with him, and absolutely kiss him. To tell each other "i love you" between kisses. Just experience sweet euphoria with him. To gain solace from being in his arms again & never letting go. That'd be perfect. I'd like to tell him that I keep trying to impress him and I don't even know why. I keep wanting to see him at certain places.

I tell myself that I should just wait until July 9th and most likely after that when he is in bootcamp. I believe that I pinky promised him that I would send him letters. I've been going over in my head everything that would be in the letter. I don't expect him to write back to me, I have less hope that the letter would even be received by him. But still, I'd like to try. I'd like to be there for him. I know how much it means to him & I want to hear all his progress. I like hearing it. It's weird how much I like love hearing how much he keeps improving himself. His capacity for not giving up on things, it's something I truly admire.

I keep wishing that I'd done things so much differently. I hate that he gave me full control in deciding the fate of our relationship. We were so fed up with each other and he was absolutely right that we only needed some time apart from each other. We just ended. I can't believe I ever thought that I could just get over him, just forget him. We didn't need anyone else. I don't need anyone else. Just him. I keep thinking about how everything would just be different with him & at times all I wish is for us to be together again & for all the bad to have never have happened. It has been all my fault. & maybe he truly is better off without me.

All I ever wanted was for him to be happy but I cannot believe that I truly wanted him to be happy with me.