I. D.o.n.T.K.n.o.w

I don't understand.  I wish I had you here laying besides me, possibly giving me a back-massage. But where are you? You claimed you would always be here for me. But you don't even want to be. It's just so sad.

Disaster

Whose heart do you think broke harder? Honestly I'd just like your opinion. You consume my mind. All of it. Every crevice in its entirety. I crave your love, I crave feeling as if you want me and love me and are happy with me because I have the ability to make you happy. It saddens me that you won't even fight for me, in any minuscule way, you know how much I'd appreciate it. But you don't even want to do that for me. Do I not give you enough in return? Just why? I wish to go to a place and find all the feelings you lost for me, somewhere where you're not wishing to pull away from me but to appreciate and love me and accept me. I guess I just suck, but I knew this already. I crave our climax of events; the foreplay, the act, and the aftermath. I miss the playing and disregard of the consequences, the want. The act in itself is one of the greatest feelings in the world but because of whom you share it with, they're in it just as well as you are and you create euphoric pleasure together. The aftermath is nice because you two are so close together and because he so happens to conduct enough warmth for the both of you. I gotta say I miss it all so much but mainly because of you. I can't help myself from thinking of what could be. I want things for us to get better so much. Where did your need for me go? Where can I find it and bring it back to you? But will you let it? You've already proved how much I don't make you happy and fulfill you. I'm such a fool for you. I gave you so much money, I let you have me: body, mind, and soul, I supported you, and appreciated you as best as I could, and loved you, and cherished you, and was so whimsical over you. I made you such an important piece in my life. All the thoughts and decisions I've had since the day we met have been to or for or even both to you. I go through waves of anger, sadness, confusion, it happens, it makes me shake, and I don't know what to think or do anymore. I'm not sure how to act or what or who to be. I want to be yours but I need to somehow pull from the dependency I had on you and be independent again because you may never come back to me. You may lead a completely different life and forget me. After all life could be better without such a horrible girlfriend to deal with. I believe I gave it my all. I just really wish things were different. I create scenarios in my head where things pick up, where you came to my doorstep or went out of your way and found me and showed me that you still had an inkling of love and care for me. You have just disappointed me so much. You are like Brutus, Julius Caesar's devoted companion who stabs Caesar right in the back. So conveniently done on the Ides of March on March 15th. Stabbed me right in the back again. I trusted you. I thought you could be my forever. I love you so much. It hurts that I still love you. It hurts so much. I don't want you to feel bad for me because you're only treating me out of respect for my person. You don't actually love me. I don't understand what your definition of love is. I guess we've never been on the same page. But my definition goes something along the lines of a person with whom you've spent a considerate amount of time with and enjoy their company, you accept them for all they bring you and they don't seem to mind you either, you've created a bond that has outlasted any previous endeavor, you let each other in on your innermost thoughts and being, you strip yourself of all your layers and are real with them, you see a ton of good in the other person, you have trust and share common interests, it's a combination of events that take place in the spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical union of two individuals. I don't know how I will ever get over you. I don't want to. I only do because I "have" to. I feel forced to get over you because you've gotten over me so long ago. I've just been dragging out a ticking time-bomb and I knew it and let it happen. How could I not have caught all the signs? You should win an Oscar. I actually believed you cherished and appreciated me and loved me so much and couldn't go on without me and that I was doing all the right things. That we were working out despite all odds. I guess not. I'm just so upset with myself and disappointed with you.

Today, someone offered to buy me food, a guy friend in particular. And before that when he sat next to me, he told me that I was the first friend he made at college and how great he thought talking to me was as if it was an honor that he got to talk to me. I told him I'm not even cool. I don't think of myself as someone that great but it was so refreshing to I guess be appreciated. Someone wanted to talk to me while the one I have and love and want to talk to just idk.. I don't feel even a quarter appreciated by the man who holds my beating heart in his hand. /:

I asked this person where his friend was sleeping for the night and he said they would cuddle in his bed and invited me to sleep in between them. I said, "nahh I have a boyfriend!" And the friend goes, " soccer has a goalie... I have a goldfish.. Oh I thought we were naming things that are irrelevant."

My guy friend also caught a glimpse of my tattoo and asked me about it so I showed him it and he told me I was gift-wrapped and everything (my tattoo has a bow in it, it's a thigh garter wrapped around my ankle). 

I gotta say it was refreshing to feel wanted or even just appreciated by someone. I just think back to these two conversations and it kinda saddens me that this is what made my night. I receive texts from my boyfriend saying how he would see me later on tomorrow evening which means holding off dinner. I don't even think I want dinner anymore tbh. I know he doesn't want it. I keep pushing it and I hate that. I also wouldn't want him stuck in traffic wasting time driving up for me, I'm not worth so much. I guess I just really want to see him and see if things get better. That's all I can ever think about is if things will get better.. Is if he will see something he had stopped seeing in me, if he will appreciate me and all the things I do and have ever done for him. Maybe I'm asking too much. I just want to feel wanted by my own boyfriend.~~

Hmff

I wouldn't change you or us for the world. You are so special to me. Right now I don't understand why I see you as such an amazing person, an Adonis, a hero for crying out loud. When I'm with you, when I catch a glimpse of your personality through a text or a pic you sent me or another countless social network or even when I look at you in person I can't help but admire you for the incredible person that you are.

I know that I've made stupid mistakes before that you won't let me live down. I know I need to give you space and time. It's just hard when I want to be here for you which I am for the most part. You ask me to treat you how you've been treating me but I'm not a spiteful person. I'm not ready to instigate and fight against you all the time. I'm not ready to put you down.

I can appreciate a sincere text message, a sincere compliment, or even a flirtatious reply, anything to make me happy. I don't know anymore. I don't want to be the only one who wants the relationship. I feel as if I am not demanding or ask too much of you. I'm so grateful to ALL you've ever given me truthfully. I don't know. It's 3AM and I can't help but think about you but I'm always thinking about you.

I know you need help. I also understand that I may not be the right girl for you as upsetting as that sounds. You've lost the "spark" you've held for me for a long enough time and I may possibly be holding onto a dead-end dream.

I'm not sure though. You'll make me lose all hope that I have in us. But then you'll stay the night, you'll sleep with me, you'll beg for me to spend a weekend with you, you'll text me. I can't begin to tell you how confused you make me.

I'm trying to stay strong as you told me to. It's hard when I feel 60:40 kind of effort. I don't mean to be asking too much of you. After the "friend's birthday weekend" I spent with you during one of my favorite holidays which I dealt with, I dealt with the fact that "we" couldn't celebrate Valentine's Day, a day meant to spend with your significant other just loving them down and appreciating them and making sure they felt appreciated more than anything.

Celebrating our 9 month anniversary was just great, surprisingly you remembered and sadly I didn't. I wasn't even looking forward to it. But yeah we celebrated it on skype when we were both eagerly playing words with friends on our phones and you were playing gta5. I was ready to stop everything I was doing just to (I guess) spend quality time through a computer screen with you and you were multitasking your heart out. I hope you notice I'm not on my phone around you as much. I'm trying not to do things that will set you off. I'm trying to be "good."

A relationship is ultimately what two people make of it and how they want it to be. It's up to us to change or keep what we have. I'm trying to see things from your perspective. I hope you see all the things I do for you. You'd think I would get something back. You tell me I deserve better but why don't you strive to make yourself the best you can be for me? That is asking too much considering I shouldn't ask anything of you for me. You're your own person capable of your own decisions and if you wanted to do something for me you would. Clearly I don't deserve better.

I haven't lost all I felt for you. Piece by piece I feel as if you have. It upsets me. It makes me feel as if I'm practically nothing to you. I wouldn't shove you away. I'm trying to let go of you in case of anything at this point and that saddens me that I even think this. I'm not sure what to do. I want you in my life more than anyone. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to feel as if I can't count on you. I feel as if I can't even try to be cute because it's as if "you don't deserve it." All I want is for you to be happy and feel loved and appreciated and to feel normal and to feel unique and talented and intelligent and so much more. I hate pushing. It just makes everything seem fake. I do deserve better. I deserve the man I fell for. But maybe I don't. Maybe it's not in my cards. Maybe I'm completely wrong. Hmff.

I keep trying to mold this into my brain, "maybe we shouldn't text each other every second of the day
This way we'll have more to talk about when we do text"


This will give me the ammo I need to keep myself away-- even when that's the last thing I want to do. I just want you to fight for me at this point. How can you break up with me and have me fight and do things for you meanwhile you're still trying to discover your feelings? Like how is that fair in any way?

Idk what to think ?¿

Things are so hot & cold. I lost the security I had. I want to feel safe again. As if you won't just up and leave me. But you can and well you have every right to because I suck and when you say I deserve better I know you mean it for yourself and it's true you do deserve better. That's such an old trick even I've used it. I just hate how you're pressing me. You worry me and you're always on my mind. I can't help but think of you all the time and I keep having conflicting emotions because I don't know how to feel anymore. I love you soso much and all I want is to be absorbed in your life and to have you in mine. Everything is practically perfect with you. I never thought for a second that we weren't on the same page. But no we aren't on the same page and that just frightens me. I don't want our tale to finish. I don't know how to react anymore. I don't know whether to feed into all your demands and not talk to you, or to lose you so you try and miss and care for me again as you once did. I don't know whether to fight, bother, and push myself onto you. I stay here awake at 4 in the morning when I have to get up in 6hrs feeling as if I don't know how to feel or what to do and it kills me. 

Also, no one breaks up with me, I repeat no one and you straight did it. And I felt so lost. Who knew I would become so freakin dependent on you. Are you even the slightest bit on me? I thought you used to be but I can't tell anymore.


It hurts to hear someone who I want to talk to every second of every day and want to spend time with and the whole nine yards with be like I think a break would be great for us or we don't have to talk every day, we'll have more to talk about if we don't. I never run out of conversation and it should be an honor that I even text someone so much or want to, ya know? Are you texting and fulfilling yourself elsewhere? Ugh I hate this so much. It makes me shake and makes me lose my appetite and just completely changes my feelings. No matter where I am I can't fully be happy when we are on bad terms. You're at the back of my mind l:


I just want carefree love. A type that I feel solace and comfort from. One in which I don't have to be frightened of you leaving me behind at any second. What the hell do you want??? I miss you so. I hope things get better but I have been losing hope. You give me some hope and then at other times you take any inkling I had left away and leave me clueless fighting fits of confusion, anger, and sadness.

I'm trying for you baby. I look at things you used to say to me and imagine you saying this to me now as if it will console me. It's so hard. I want us more than anything I've ever wanted. I see myself with you and everyone else doesn't even compare to you and the way you can make me feel. No I don't feel crazy fireworks or crazy bliss every time I'm with you but I at least feel complete. I want better than what we used to have & I hope to attain it but I'm going to wait on you because I don't want to be the only one making things happen. I can't pull us out of this when I didn't put us in it but I'll try. You hurt me more than anything before and still and I think back to when I unintentionally hurt you and I guess I deserve it.


Just please try to see things through my eyes. I'm trying to figure things through yours but it's so hard because my feelings for you are only changed because I know yours might have. I can't imagine how that just happens. Are you turned off by me? When I see you I see such a handsome, talented, amazing person what else could I possibly want besides your attention, care, love, and affection? But doubt you see any of that in me and I don't blame you.


well here's to the best /:

Tonight

I had you in my arms & at any given moment it could've been the last time we ever encountered each other. I can't explain how much I appreciate you but I do, oh so much, I do appreciate you. If there's one person I'd want to dedicate my life to it would be you. There is no doubt in my mind that you'd do the same for me. I hate not knowing what to do/what to say to make things better. Not knowing what reaction I will stir from you after provoking you scared me more than anything. Being in an uncontrollable situation that I myself have caused by saying what I did is not my kind of goodbye. I guess I'm glad I brought it out in the open. Take it or leave it I suck and it's up to you if you want to deal with me. I'm cruel. I'm special. I'm unappreciative. But I don't ever mean to hurt anyone. I don't mean to provoke anger/sadness/envy.

I saw you walking away from me but holding yourself back. I was frozen with fear. I could make things worse, watch me, I know I can. But I went to you. I didn't know what to say and I say all the wrong things regardless. Whatever I say or do won't help if you won't let it. I saw the anger, how shaken you were, just all of the hurt I inflicted. I wish it wasn't this way