Tonight was such an interesting night. I can still smell him on my shirt. Well for one thing the person I went out with tonight, I would never expect for him to want to hang out with me.. ever. And this still baffles me.

I arrived at the movies early because my dad didn't want to miss his news (which start at 7:00 and the movie we went to see starts at 7:05). I bought my ticket and awkwardly waited for a bit. Thank god for instagram and texting friends, I'm glad I have my iphone with me when I have to wait by myself. I saw the movie the night before and I didn't mind it so I didn't mind seeing it again. My bestfriend and her friend just happened to be going to the movies at around the same time, not like they were intentionally creepin or anything like that lol. I wore a new shirt and jeans from pac sun and although it was 63 degrees it was a bit chilly for what I wore and I probably should've brought a cardigan with me. Well anyways back to the movies, well he arrived and was trying to hide the fact that he was wearing glasses because he felt like a nerd in his new frames. lol, they didn't look bad at all! He's one of the few people that can actually pull off glasses. I know I sure can't and that's why I stick to contacts. Well he bought his ticket and he told me he would've bought my ticket.. I didn't expect that at all. My momma's the only one that buys me movie tickets.

We watched the entire movie. During the movie, within like 20mins he put his arm around me and he would casually rub my arm/elbow and then he would like do the same to my hip. I'm pretty self conscious of this area but I didn't mind so much. It just tickled a bit hehe. I admire the fact that even when he got texts, he ignored them during the movie. As we were leaving the movie i the kid that depruded me and a group of his friends were just casually there and I walked (more like hid) passed them with my guy companion behind me. :X My bestfriend's ex said hi to me and I think he even tried to hug me but all I did was say hi as we were walk away. We went to yogurtcity, I was really surprised he's never been there! I go there all the time. He bought mine for me and I just didn't expect it at all. He really didn't have to and I told him that he didn't have to but he did and I reallyreally appreciate that. It was the first time I ever got treated like that and I couldn't believe it. After that, we went to CVS and made fun of each aisle and I found it funny. My dad let me drive home from the movies and I really like driving. We hugged at the end of the night just as we do in school.

He has a surprise for me on Monday, we shall see how this goes.. C:

*currently listening to 'fool in love' by rihanna, & raping the repeat button*

I sure do have a lot to think about. I've just recently realized that we all have so many problems in our lives and that we all have to get through them; we spend a great deal of our lives pushing through moments and problems and putting along.

I needed to creep. I needed to see what he was up to. What other girl wrote on his wall. Who else he was trying to get with or talk to. I needed to hear his voice and so I watched a video of him telling me he loved me from a reallyreally long time ago. It must've been a long time ago considering he has no feelings for me anymore and I've told myself not to have anymore feelings towards him. But I do miss him and I can't help but want to see what he is up to or what he is doing. I'm constantly falling into fits where I wonder or think about him. The last time we spoke I told him that I regretted everything I've ever done with him, but I can honestly say that I'm glad he left his mark on me and that I've experienced quite some happiness with him. I am grateful to all the times we had.

This is insanity. Just as I was writing this and talking to paul (oh this new boy ;) tehe) josh decides to request me as a friend on facebook. Mind you he deleted me elohel. He just confuses me so much. There's something telling me not to add him for my own good. But I want to add him. Against my better judgement, I did. I just couldn't help it.

This Sat (tomorrow is Thurs & Turkey Day) I'm going to the movies with paul. I know he is playing me. I know hes gotten with many girls before me. I know I can possibly be just another statistic in his life. I don't want anything to happen but then again I do kinda want something to happen, I just idk. One of my friends told me today to stop walking with him after ass, to stop hugging him, and to stop pretty much everything and not go on saturday, for my own good. I'm just like no. The reason why I wanna go is because I haven't had someone interested in me in a long time and I don't see us ever having a relationship. To be honest, I don't understand why he even talks to me as much as he does and wants to get to know me. I just would never expect for him to go for me. I take in every moment of it because I know it won't last. But then my friends goes to tell me, "he's actually interested in you tho like he said personality is worth more than anything else so idk have fun lol" (i have no idea how he knew this, but paul did tell me a lot of times that the reason he enjoys talking to me is because of my personality) my friend called him a whore and strongly advised me against being with him Saturday saying there's better guys out there for me and that having fun without liking someone is whorish. and then he goes on to say that he doesn't want me to get heartbroken. I won't let it get to that point though.

I understand that all the talking, just all the caring and attention paul gives me isn't going to last.

It's probably insane to hear that I want for someone to basically play me. I can hardly believe it myself. It's been August since I've last hooked up with someone. I've felt like its been forever since someone had any type of interest in me. I've been feeling grosser and grosser as the seconds go by and just seeing him talk to me first, ask me questions, want to get to know me, it means something to me.

These are from the lyrics of the same song I'm replaying over & over & over again:

"I know he’s not perfect in your eyes, But somehow he’s flawless in mine" - that's josh, well at least in my eyes.

"And you may tell me to run, run now, But I can’t do that, We’re too far down the hole, He’s got a hold on my soul"- this is also josh this was my reasoning for staying with him as long as I did this is before I was done.

"So I guess I’m a fool, I’m a fool in love, But I’m willing to stay here, And bask in the glory of his heart, I guess I’m a fool in love, But I’m willing to look so stupid, Till I’ve had enough" - josh

"You’ll see a monster, I see a smile, You say it’s danger, And I’m in denial, But somehow I feel so safe right now" - paul

I can still decide whether or not to go on Saturday. But I also have time to enjoy my Thanksgiving and see how things go. I also received terrible news about my boot. I was extremely excited to go to the doctors today, expecting to never have to wear my boot again. Only to hear that my doctor recommends me to wear the boot for another 2-3 weeks to play it safe ! It leads into a joint and that's why he doesn't want to stress it. I just have had enough of the boot and want everything to go back to the way it was. I want to start running so bad! I can't take this. After a week I am most likely not going to wear the boot and then a week after that I'm going to start going on the elliptical. I really want to get back.

Keep putting along. Don't stop, never give up, and we won't stop giving all we got. I just gotta keep pushing through this.

It will all be okay.

so yes it has been a while. I'm as single as a dollar bill. It's not exactly something I am proud of but I am not putting this title down in any way. I was single when I was born, I've been single for at least 15 years of my life before I had met someone. I can be single until someone better, someone worthwhile, someone that makes me happy, someone I need, someone I'll love forever & always comes by. I mean that's what I really need. Junior year is a toughie, there's all this pressure ! I can say that I don't hate it though.

I do however hate that I broke my toe, going up the stairs of Tottenville High School. Lol, only me. :( My junior year cross country running is pretty much over with. I find out November 30th if I get to get rid of the boot and if I get to start running again and god knows how many races I'll miss by then :/ It actually saddens me considering this is my favorite season! I just want to be back. I love running, I don't feel as bad about eating since I run/workout. I can't do that with a broken toe -______- I can't even zumba and I was starting to really like love zumba.

On Mondays from 8-9 i have been going with Lauren & Amanda to bubble's playhouse. They have a black light and it's sick! It is really called Zumba Fitness so it's pretty much a workout where you get to dance your butt off. Anyone can go and no one will judge you no matter how unrythmed you are. I have realized that most girls just care about themselves and don't bother what you are doing. Considering how much rythmn I have this is wonderful. There's this one woman in the front row who dances amazing, the way she moves her body and how skinny she is, I am always so completely jealous of her! There is also this bigger woman in front of me usually and she sure can dance, even though she is greater than most girls she moves as if she is 40lbs lighter and she's great! I mean I am definetly not the best dancer, I actually suck, but I am actually comfortable to dance or at least try to, and it's one of the things I like. I like the songs, the way our bodies move, the fact that it is a great workout, and well it does make me feel sexy. It doesn't help that no matter how terrible I am dancing I have the biggest smile on my face the entire hour. I just love it.

Anyways, I lost weight in the summer! :D I went from 126 to 121 and I weighed 121 as a freshman, my first year of Tottenville. I was absolutely ecstatic but with this boot and the beginning of Cctober and more of junior year and a whole lot of food later, I have went up to 123. This saddens me, especially considering the fact that I can't workout or anything anymore with this boot :/ I told the doctor I am on a track team & he told me not now I am not; there's just no way I am giving up and I will get back asap ! I am allowed on the stationary bike and that's what I can do for now and i've been doing core too. I guess if I really wanted to I could also try to workout my arms and/or do more pilates as long as it doesn't involve me bending my toe (which I am not allowed to do).

& my ex, my example of how much fun I could have, how happyI could be with someone, how someone could make me feel, and how believing in each other changes everything. Well supposedly he is getting with some fat, short, ugly girl. I haven't exactly seen her so I can't really say anything but still I am sure he could do so much better or at least deserves it. I don't understand why he needs to find happiness in someone else when people can be happy on their own. It is really hard but I just feel like he is searching so hard to find someone else, maybe even someone to replace me, when he can be improving himself and making himself happier just on his own. I really do miss being in a relationship but I know better than to search for it when I know I am not exactly the happiest and best right now.

I am having my sick insecurities this year about my weight, track, my grades, college, what I want to be and do with my life.

ohmygoodness I have a class called medical laboratory & assisting but on my program card it says med lab and ass so obviously that is what I am going to refer to it as, tehe!, well the other day my ass teacher ranted about how those who don't know what they want to be/do don't have goals and don't have a reason to be going to school. Personally I like love school, I also have no idea what I want to do with my life. I can't exactly picture my life 10, 15, 20 years from now. I would like to have time to workout, to raise a family, own a dog, work in new york city.I would love to go to college in the city, that's always been one of my aspirations. But I still don't know what I want to be. This scares me. I want to do something that can impact others. My parents keep pushing me into the medical field because they know it pays, I just don't know if that's me. I don't mind blood, I hate ass class besides when we watch House.. I really like that show actually, and I would like to have the freedom to pick out what I'd like to wear and scrubs are definitely not what I'd like to wear. I would like to be interested in my work, to possibly have an office, I actually like projects and I work hard. I like computers and I consider myself pretty tech savy. I'd love to work on movies. I go to the movies every Friday night with my momma and I would love to work possibly on animations or something, well anything!

I have quite a lot to think about and it is 2:43am and there is snow/slush on the ground and it's October.. I guess we can consider this insanity.. possibly? I don't even know anymore. Halloween is the day after well today and I am going all out, I am collecting all this candy & I am Jewish so this free candy is like gold! After Halloween however I am going on a strict diet, no ifs, ands, or butts I will !

Well it is time for me to get to bed. Nightie night to those late night nocturnal beasts, good morning to the early risers, and good day to those moving forward! :)

"I ain't got no time for no relationshit"

Oh my god, why do I keep thinking about him? I tell you I cannot stop thinking about him. Like today, on my run I couldn't stop thinking about him. When I was in tottenville the other night with friends I kept imagining I would see him. I had even passed his block driving to my friend's house. I was thinking about him on the drive to the movies, during the movie, and on the drive back from the movie. I kept thinking about how it was Friday and how it was our day to go to the movies. I had even gotten the crazy idea that I might see him there. When the regal theatres roller coaster thing went on I was thinking about how retarted we were during it. I saw a girl lift up her arms like I did. I remember him holding onto me for dear life. I miss kisses so much. To be honest, I miss his kisses the most. I miss the way I would kiss his neck and how he would kiss the top of my head. I miss him. It's not the same.

I keep thinking about seeing him at school. I cannot believe I even imagined this but I had imagined that he would just grab me and kiss me and how confused he would make me but how I would kinda like for that to happen. That is so bad to think! I know it is!

I need to, I must, stop thinking about him.

I need to get over him.

I guess the lonely bugs kicking in.

I don't know how I could ever believe I wouldn't feel lonely without him.

But hey, I'd rather us both be happy.

On August 2nd at 8:45pm he texts me, "Well. Youre done with me and most likely found someone else. So ill delete your number and just try to forget about you. I love you. Goodbye." That's really been the end. I believe he has kept his words & we haven't spoken since. I mean yes I miss him but with him texting me it made me miss him so much more & made me want to go back to him. It made it harder for me to stay strong. Knowing that he really is out of my life kinda makes me a bit happier. If I didn't make a cautious effort when we were going out to see him then I wouldn't so I'm not worrying about seeing him, I mean besides school. I feel like in school it might get a bit awky but we shall see. For some reason I feel like darting away at the sight of him but I can't let him hold me back from anything and that means no matter what I'm not stopping/ giving up on anything just because of him. I'd hope he would do the same. I just deleted whatever music I had for him on my itunes.

I guess that is all.

And so he decides to text me at 12:25am this -> "I gave up on pt and everything else."

And more:

-"I dont feel like trying anymore."

-"I dont feel like bothering. I have no motivation or inspiration left."

-"I dont know. I like it. It clears my head and makes me stronger and what not. But trashing/fucking up my body doesnt appeal to me that much anymore if I have nobody to do it for. Ive gone completely overboard with it anyways."

-"Eh. I just dont care anymore. Im sorry for even bothering you with this." -

-"Idek what im doing anymore."

-"My fault. I shouldnt of even bothered you with this. I just missed you so much so I couldnt help it. Ill just leave you alone"

me-"Just please be safe and happy thats all i ever wanted and cared about from you josh"

-"I cant be happy without you. So ill just be safe."

me-"I know something that makes you a gazillionbilliontrillionjsakfehshwillion times better than i ever tried to and thats going back upstate, do you think youll go back anytime before school starts?"

-"Nope. Kissing and holding you made me even happier than going back home. And yeah, I have to."

me-"I was just another fight waiting to happen josh and im sure you will enjoy every hopefully stress-free minute spent there, now your friends wont have to yell at you for breaking up with me you can tell them youre all done with me you can even tell them youve broken up with me if youd like"

-"i dont want to be done with you"

me-"I didnt want to ever be done with you, but theres one thing i realize i hate the most & thats fighting & thats the most gigantic thing we would ever do together i never look at the bad side of anything i always hold onto everything good but i just feel like i was never something good for you and that you really have a chance to be happy now"

-"I know I fucked up and im sorry. I really am. I always took out my stress and anger on you because you were always there, that wasnt right of me. Im a terrible person."

me-"Its alright josh, you arent a terrible person"

-"How am I not?"

me-"Because no matter what you do or say i dont see you as that."

-"Thats how I see myself. Ill never be able to make things right and make myself better for you"

me-"I just figured that when you loved someone youd accept them, the good, the bad, everything i always saw & see the good in you because thats what i want to see in you but i just ive felt like i couldnt anymore & ive just been so done"

-"Oh. Youre done with me.."

me-"Im sorry i've just been trying very hard to let go of you"

-"I thought you just wanted time and some space. I didnt know you were just done with me. Well uh, I guess I better go then"

me-"I just im so scared that if im in another relationship ill screw it all up, i wont be good enough, and ill cause more fights & just make everything worse for myself"

-"I see. Well uh its good that youre thinking about being in another relationship already."

me-"Im sorry i contemplated going back out with you"

-"Idk what that means."

me-"Ill rephrase im sorry i thought about being in a relationship with you again"

-"I always think about it. But I cant, I just cant. Not until I somehow make things right and make myself better for you"

me-"Im glad you want to improve yourself josh. I never ever felt like you should change or make yourself better, you really are much more amazing than you believe you are"

-"No, im nothing. Im not good enough now. I need to make myself better for you"

me-"If you dont mind me asking, how do you plan on doing that?"

-"Idk yet. Im just dirt."

me-"No you are not nothing and you are certainly not dirty please dont say/believe such horrible things about yourself, its not true"

-"Nope its true. I love you estee."

me-"Its false and i love you josh, when you said that it took me back to all the times when youve said it to me in person usually in between kisses which i always found kind of funny but most definitely so cute"

-"I miss your kisses"

me-"I miss your kisses very much too"

-"Just one would be very nice right now"

me-"I would even settle for a hug, just so i could feel what it was like to hold you & be in your arms again"

-"I wouldnt let go"

me-"I wouldnt want you to, ever"

-"Itd be like a nice 3 hour hug"

me-"knowing you and us, it would go from hugging to dancing in no time"

-"That made me smile"

me-"Im glad it did , it made me smile just thinking about it too" "Im sorry lauren keeps rolling over and sooner or later shes going to knock the imac, myself, my cellphone & ipod off of this bed so i better get to cuddling & go to sleep with her nightie night josh"

and then i get this text from him at 3:27am, "I miss just randomly dancing with you"

i wrote back, "I miss just randomly dancing with you very much also" and then this began..

-"Lmao uhm, random?? :p But yeah :/"

me-"Its not really all that random and why sad face? You know i dont like those"

-"Well like you said you were going to bed. Then like half hour later you reply to what I said before you said you were going to bed. And because i miss all the things we used to do, the dancing, the playing, the murdering eachother, the talking and cuddling, the kissing"

me-"I was in bed checking out new music, cuddling with lauren, i took my contacts out, put my retainer in, & lauren is breathing down the back of my neck right now and it tickles, my phone vibrated really loud from underneath my pillow and its from you so of course i am going to answer, & i really do miss you"

-"You JUST got that text? Lol. I sent it before you said you were going to bed. I miss rainy bumming it days with you"

me-"Yes i just got it! I was like oh i guess he didnt want to let me off so early(: but turns out that wasnt true & i miss watching movies & shnuggling so much"

-"We never got to finish the star wars series :((( Just knowing that youre willing to still talk to me and put up with me puts me in a better mood and cheers me up"

me-"I know that saddens me greatly, its on my list of things to do before i die #42. LMAO im not putting up with you im actually enjoying this because we arent fighting or breathing down eachothers necks right now, i want to talk to you i guess the fact that im not the first one starting the texts for once shows me that you do still care"

-""Im never gonna be the same now. Everything reminds me of you"

me-"But josh youve had many exs before im just another one to add to the collection :/"

-"Yeah. But they didnt mean as much to me. I was either too drunk or high to care or was sober and just didnt care. I had my whole life up there so it didnt phase me. Then I had to move down here and start completely over. I felt like I didnt fit in or even belonged here. Then I met you and fell hard for you. You made me feel like I actually mattered again and like I belonged here. You made me feel alive again Estee. I put my whole heart and soul and everything I had into you. Then it all got crushed. Now I have to pick up the pieces and try to figure out where to go from here"

me-"Im sure you can fit in again and im sure you can be so much happier than you ever were with me"

-"No. I dont know what to do."

i dont know or remember what i replied

-"Well youre done with me so I guess I have to"

me-":/ im sorry it sounds terrible 'done with me' its as if you were a tissue that i wiped my big jewish nose with and threw out but you have been so much more than me & i want to do whats right & what i think is better & i just im really happy all the battles have finally ended"

and then I told him I was going to bed

-"Im gonna go think. Im not gonna sleep tonight. Night"

And that was that.

This is a conversation that went down yesterday:

-4:06 A.M. "I dont feel whole without you. I need you *broken heart* So just fuck life."

-"Omgggg that was insane, i was just having a really bad dream about you just somehow i saw you were talking to this girl & then i was like really upset over it and i just wanted it to go away i guess i didnt want you to replace me :/ im feeling a bit fuck-life-ish, especially after that nightmare i left brandon home so ive been holding onto this pillow, as i would with brandon, and as i would with you"

-"Ive been feeling very fuck life-ish. Im over life now. Im not whole without you. I couldnt even finish my pt just now. Thats how much I need you. Everythings my fault. Im just a fuck up. I guess I just forgot how much I loved you and that I couldnt live, let alone breathe without you. I lost sight of it all and focused on myself becoming a Marine. I regret it more than anything. I pray for death now."

-"Josh! Please dont pray for something as terrible as that upon yourself!!! It was a pretty big knock to my face today when you had called yourself a douchebag & were sorry for being a dick to me and then id said you arent a douchebag & you flat out told me that you never intended on starting a conversation with me, i really do appreciate & miss all the times you would say such sweet things to me such s "i couldnt live, let alone without you" Josh you are allowed to focus on becoming a marine & i am sure you will make a wonderful poolee soon, maybe today just wasnt your pt day im sure you can do better and you most likely will & i hope you feel good about yourself when you do because i know its one of the things that actually makes you happy"

-"No. I cant focus without you. I gave up at 600 pushups and 5 miles and I just collapsed, you were my inspiration, my motivation. I thought maybe by becoming a Marine youd be proud of me. And im sorry about earlier. I didnt intend to be mean or anything. I just wanted to apologize but didnt wanna bother you with a convo. Ik I dont deserve your forgiveness, and I never will. Thats why im just gonna take everything out on my body. Because I love you

-"You know i love you too & i always will, forever & always, remember? Please dont take it out on yourself & your own body, you dont deserve to treat yourself that way. You deserve every single great thing there is in the world & especially everything there is thats 100x better than me. I have been proud of you before becoming a marine & i still am, ill always be proud in someone who pursues something, tries, maybe fails but doesnt give up, and still puts in the effort; i dont see how im much of an inspiration/motivation but you know il always be here for you & i want to be"

-":'( *broken heart*"

-"Please dont cry & be heartbroken ive already caused enough pain to you i was only hoping by pulling myself out of your life youd be happpier and free and from the looks of it two day ago you were feeling not stressed anymore, please dont be sad and heartbroken please stop crying it never makes me happy knowing you're sad. Im sorry but i have to go, its already 5 in the morning im sure this cellphone light must be bothering lauren sleep & i have no idea what time she is going to knee me in the back tomorrow waking me up so i should probably go to sleep now. Turn that frown upside down please, nightie night josh"

He makes it so hard for me to let go of him. I have deleted his number but of course I will know if he texts me. I just I know I'm done with him but when he says things like this I don't know if I could ever truly be done with him. I am staying strong however, I can assure you that. :)