This is a conversation that went down yesterday:

-4:06 A.M. "I dont feel whole without you. I need you *broken heart* So just fuck life."

-"Omgggg that was insane, i was just having a really bad dream about you just somehow i saw you were talking to this girl & then i was like really upset over it and i just wanted it to go away i guess i didnt want you to replace me :/ im feeling a bit fuck-life-ish, especially after that nightmare i left brandon home so ive been holding onto this pillow, as i would with brandon, and as i would with you"

-"Ive been feeling very fuck life-ish. Im over life now. Im not whole without you. I couldnt even finish my pt just now. Thats how much I need you. Everythings my fault. Im just a fuck up. I guess I just forgot how much I loved you and that I couldnt live, let alone breathe without you. I lost sight of it all and focused on myself becoming a Marine. I regret it more than anything. I pray for death now."

-"Josh! Please dont pray for something as terrible as that upon yourself!!! It was a pretty big knock to my face today when you had called yourself a douchebag & were sorry for being a dick to me and then id said you arent a douchebag & you flat out told me that you never intended on starting a conversation with me, i really do appreciate & miss all the times you would say such sweet things to me such s "i couldnt live, let alone without you" Josh you are allowed to focus on becoming a marine & i am sure you will make a wonderful poolee soon, maybe today just wasnt your pt day im sure you can do better and you most likely will & i hope you feel good about yourself when you do because i know its one of the things that actually makes you happy"

-"No. I cant focus without you. I gave up at 600 pushups and 5 miles and I just collapsed, you were my inspiration, my motivation. I thought maybe by becoming a Marine youd be proud of me. And im sorry about earlier. I didnt intend to be mean or anything. I just wanted to apologize but didnt wanna bother you with a convo. Ik I dont deserve your forgiveness, and I never will. Thats why im just gonna take everything out on my body. Because I love you

-"You know i love you too & i always will, forever & always, remember? Please dont take it out on yourself & your own body, you dont deserve to treat yourself that way. You deserve every single great thing there is in the world & especially everything there is thats 100x better than me. I have been proud of you before becoming a marine & i still am, ill always be proud in someone who pursues something, tries, maybe fails but doesnt give up, and still puts in the effort; i dont see how im much of an inspiration/motivation but you know il always be here for you & i want to be"

-":'( *broken heart*"

-"Please dont cry & be heartbroken ive already caused enough pain to you i was only hoping by pulling myself out of your life youd be happpier and free and from the looks of it two day ago you were feeling not stressed anymore, please dont be sad and heartbroken please stop crying it never makes me happy knowing you're sad. Im sorry but i have to go, its already 5 in the morning im sure this cellphone light must be bothering lauren sleep & i have no idea what time she is going to knee me in the back tomorrow waking me up so i should probably go to sleep now. Turn that frown upside down please, nightie night josh"

He makes it so hard for me to let go of him. I have deleted his number but of course I will know if he texts me. I just I know I'm done with him but when he says things like this I don't know if I could ever truly be done with him. I am staying strong however, I can assure you that. :)