And so he decides to text me at 12:25am this -> "I gave up on pt and everything else."

And more:

-"I dont feel like trying anymore."

-"I dont feel like bothering. I have no motivation or inspiration left."

-"I dont know. I like it. It clears my head and makes me stronger and what not. But trashing/fucking up my body doesnt appeal to me that much anymore if I have nobody to do it for. Ive gone completely overboard with it anyways."

-"Eh. I just dont care anymore. Im sorry for even bothering you with this." -

-"Idek what im doing anymore."

-"My fault. I shouldnt of even bothered you with this. I just missed you so much so I couldnt help it. Ill just leave you alone"

me-"Just please be safe and happy thats all i ever wanted and cared about from you josh"

-"I cant be happy without you. So ill just be safe."

me-"I know something that makes you a gazillionbilliontrillionjsakfehshwillion times better than i ever tried to and thats going back upstate, do you think youll go back anytime before school starts?"

-"Nope. Kissing and holding you made me even happier than going back home. And yeah, I have to."

me-"I was just another fight waiting to happen josh and im sure you will enjoy every hopefully stress-free minute spent there, now your friends wont have to yell at you for breaking up with me you can tell them youre all done with me you can even tell them youve broken up with me if youd like"

-"i dont want to be done with you"

me-"I didnt want to ever be done with you, but theres one thing i realize i hate the most & thats fighting & thats the most gigantic thing we would ever do together i never look at the bad side of anything i always hold onto everything good but i just feel like i was never something good for you and that you really have a chance to be happy now"

-"I know I fucked up and im sorry. I really am. I always took out my stress and anger on you because you were always there, that wasnt right of me. Im a terrible person."

me-"Its alright josh, you arent a terrible person"

-"How am I not?"

me-"Because no matter what you do or say i dont see you as that."

-"Thats how I see myself. Ill never be able to make things right and make myself better for you"

me-"I just figured that when you loved someone youd accept them, the good, the bad, everything i always saw & see the good in you because thats what i want to see in you but i just ive felt like i couldnt anymore & ive just been so done"

-"Oh. Youre done with me.."

me-"Im sorry i've just been trying very hard to let go of you"

-"I thought you just wanted time and some space. I didnt know you were just done with me. Well uh, I guess I better go then"

me-"I just im so scared that if im in another relationship ill screw it all up, i wont be good enough, and ill cause more fights & just make everything worse for myself"

-"I see. Well uh its good that youre thinking about being in another relationship already."

me-"Im sorry i contemplated going back out with you"

-"Idk what that means."

me-"Ill rephrase im sorry i thought about being in a relationship with you again"

-"I always think about it. But I cant, I just cant. Not until I somehow make things right and make myself better for you"

me-"Im glad you want to improve yourself josh. I never ever felt like you should change or make yourself better, you really are much more amazing than you believe you are"

-"No, im nothing. Im not good enough now. I need to make myself better for you"

me-"If you dont mind me asking, how do you plan on doing that?"

-"Idk yet. Im just dirt."

me-"No you are not nothing and you are certainly not dirty please dont say/believe such horrible things about yourself, its not true"

-"Nope its true. I love you estee."

me-"Its false and i love you josh, when you said that it took me back to all the times when youve said it to me in person usually in between kisses which i always found kind of funny but most definitely so cute"

-"I miss your kisses"

me-"I miss your kisses very much too"

-"Just one would be very nice right now"

me-"I would even settle for a hug, just so i could feel what it was like to hold you & be in your arms again"

-"I wouldnt let go"

me-"I wouldnt want you to, ever"

-"Itd be like a nice 3 hour hug"

me-"knowing you and us, it would go from hugging to dancing in no time"

-"That made me smile"

me-"Im glad it did , it made me smile just thinking about it too" "Im sorry lauren keeps rolling over and sooner or later shes going to knock the imac, myself, my cellphone & ipod off of this bed so i better get to cuddling & go to sleep with her nightie night josh"

and then i get this text from him at 3:27am, "I miss just randomly dancing with you"

i wrote back, "I miss just randomly dancing with you very much also" and then this began..

-"Lmao uhm, random?? :p But yeah :/"

me-"Its not really all that random and why sad face? You know i dont like those"

-"Well like you said you were going to bed. Then like half hour later you reply to what I said before you said you were going to bed. And because i miss all the things we used to do, the dancing, the playing, the murdering eachother, the talking and cuddling, the kissing"

me-"I was in bed checking out new music, cuddling with lauren, i took my contacts out, put my retainer in, & lauren is breathing down the back of my neck right now and it tickles, my phone vibrated really loud from underneath my pillow and its from you so of course i am going to answer, & i really do miss you"

-"You JUST got that text? Lol. I sent it before you said you were going to bed. I miss rainy bumming it days with you"

me-"Yes i just got it! I was like oh i guess he didnt want to let me off so early(: but turns out that wasnt true & i miss watching movies & shnuggling so much"

-"We never got to finish the star wars series :((( Just knowing that youre willing to still talk to me and put up with me puts me in a better mood and cheers me up"

me-"I know that saddens me greatly, its on my list of things to do before i die #42. LMAO im not putting up with you im actually enjoying this because we arent fighting or breathing down eachothers necks right now, i want to talk to you i guess the fact that im not the first one starting the texts for once shows me that you do still care"

-""Im never gonna be the same now. Everything reminds me of you"

me-"But josh youve had many exs before im just another one to add to the collection :/"

-"Yeah. But they didnt mean as much to me. I was either too drunk or high to care or was sober and just didnt care. I had my whole life up there so it didnt phase me. Then I had to move down here and start completely over. I felt like I didnt fit in or even belonged here. Then I met you and fell hard for you. You made me feel like I actually mattered again and like I belonged here. You made me feel alive again Estee. I put my whole heart and soul and everything I had into you. Then it all got crushed. Now I have to pick up the pieces and try to figure out where to go from here"

me-"Im sure you can fit in again and im sure you can be so much happier than you ever were with me"

-"No. I dont know what to do."

i dont know or remember what i replied

-"Well youre done with me so I guess I have to"

me-":/ im sorry it sounds terrible 'done with me' its as if you were a tissue that i wiped my big jewish nose with and threw out but you have been so much more than me & i want to do whats right & what i think is better & i just im really happy all the battles have finally ended"

and then I told him I was going to bed

-"Im gonna go think. Im not gonna sleep tonight. Night"

And that was that.