You know what, he is a flat out dick sometimes. He really can be a sick jerk. There's no one I'd rather be with or talk to or anything besides him at any given moment but when I'm with friends or having fun or am being happy without him it's a whole other story. Many times I don't know what to say to him but I still want to talk to him. I don't care if it makes no sense or whatever as long as we are exchanging conversation, I honestly don't care what it is as long as I know he is happy on the other side. Sometimes I feel like me being happy doesn't matter at all to him. Do I want him to treat me better? I would never ask him to, so that is such a rhetorical question.

I like the way I can find comfort in music or even this (writing that is) when I am most upset, at least I can get it all down here. I wish he could see how he affects me, because he does so much. Did I ever mention that he is so ridiculous at times?

Today, July 16th to be exact, was one of my best friend's (and she is also one of my wonderful trackies) birthday (her birthday is really the 19th but she is lucky & is going to have the time of her life in Disney that day so today we celebrated her birthday). We took the x1 bus from the Eltingville Transit Center to 42nd street in the city and then walked to Madame Toussads Wax Museum. I had already been to a Madame Toussad's in Washington D.C., New Jersey, and Canada so this really wasn't anything new. I always think the wax sculptures will blink or come to life at any given second. Then, we had walked to Times Square which always amuses me. We went into M&M World, the Hershey store across the street from the M&M store, American Eagle, the 4-floored Forever 21 (now that was pure bliss). I always dreamed that someday people can pick from 3-5 stores to send them all their latest clothes & that they could pick and choose which ones they'd like to wear and then send the rest back. Right now if I had to pick 3 stores to send me all their clothes it would be American Eagle, Forever 21, and Hollister. I just love the clothes & quality in all these stores. I love New York City. I love the city. It really is one of the places I truly enjoy.

But anyways, on the bus ride to NYC, I tried talking to him. I had made the mistake of re-asking him what he was going to be doing today in hopes of maybe starting a conversation maybe it was too early or whatever but I could already tell he didn't want to talk to me and this already made me upset. Of course I had fun with Brianna, Lucia, Joe, Stef, Kim, and Briana but I knew that back in his Staten Island home my boyfriend wasn't happy and he was doing nothing in particular. He had told me "Good thing I already told you.", when I asked and I just knew I made a mistake then and there. As soon as he starts texting with periods I already know he isn't happy, plus he missed pt that morning so I'm sure he wasn't happy :/. I'm not sure what I wrote but then after that he had texted back "That's saying something right there." and I probably said something like I'm going to text you later or when I am on the bus on the way back or on my way home and I love you or something, I had wanted to talk to him but I just knew I was bothering him and I only want to make him happy no matter what so I just sent that. He sent me back "Please don't. I don't wanna talk to you. And idc. Bye." Well ouch :(

This is our conversation it has been about 2ish in the morning:

I sent him a picture of the lorax because I liked it & it reminded me of him and us.

-"Nice."

me -"I just saw it and missed you and talking to you but I'll go now"

-"you dont have to. Idc."

me -"I don't want to bother you"

-"you're not"

me -"oh okay I hope not I just wanted to talk to you all day, but after what you last wrote me I kept telling myself I shouldn't and to just leave you alone"

-"Idr what I even said."

me -"Please don't. I don't wanna talk to you. And idc. Bye."

-"Good shit :)" stupid smiley face, that's not something to be happy about, when he said that he actually hurt me, but okay I'm glad that made him smile I guess that's all I really wanted was for him to be happy

me -"Yea it sure felt great seeing that from someone I care about and love, I'm sure it would give you warm, fuzzy feelings inside if I ever said something like that to you"

-"Mmm, it would give me butterflies<3"

me -"Why are you being like this" honestly, all I wanted to do was call him a jerk or dick because I really felt like that was what he was being but knowing me I would never do something like that to him

-"Like what?"

me -"I don't even know forget I said anything, I'm going to bed early night josh" I did know, I knew exactly what he was being he was being such a jerk to me and I figured he would realize something was bothering me considering I never go to bed early (that's not me) and I never just say night josh I say nightie night josh<3 or nightie night joshie<3..

-"Good. Goodnight kid." <- way to not be a jerk?

After a while, I had texted him something because I saw one of his texts that I hadn't seen before and realized that he was going to upstate that same day! I had asked him if he had went and then this started:

me -"I'd never go to bed this early"

-"Oh so you lied again. You haven't went to bed. Leave it to Estee" <- the Leave it to Estee always amuses me, he has recently been using it in all our fights and it bothers me too

me -"Yea I know" that's me not showing how much it bothers me

-"There;s another lie for the books. That's what you do best. So by all means."

me -"No it's not what I do best but I just I didn't want to hear you being so mean to me anymore" that's pretty much the nice way to say 'I am about to cry, you have been a jerk'

-"Nope. That's what you do best. Who knows what other lies there are."

me -"My only other lie was that I had wanted to see Harry Potter but I didn't want to leave you or be anywhere without you." <- that's completely true btw

-"Idk if thats the only one."

me -"It is"

-"Doubt it"

me -"I'm not lying about anything else!" he's annoying me now

-"We'll see" ughhh

me -"I'm glad because I have nothing to hide"

-"They always catch up to you. So dont worry. We'll see"
me -"good thing I actually have been good, I have kept my word, I have not spoken to one of my best guy friends that has been there for me through a lot and I never will again, I have been completely faithful"

-"You said that before too"

me -"Okay I mean it now"

-"Said many things that eventually I saw were untrue."

me -"And I'm truthful & faithful now" I am and I have been!!!!

-"You just lied right there. Lol. " (that wasn't funny) "And it doesn't help that you're very sketchy. That one went right over your head."

me-"No I didn't I'm completely honest"

-"What did you expect from this relationship when we first started dating? Like did you just look at it as something fun or did you want it to be serious?"

me -"I had liked you as my bestfriend and I wanted to be with you and to be there for you as I hoped you would be for me I figured we could make each other happy considering how happy we were making each other as bestfriends. I did/do take it seriously, I've never treated this as a game. Yes I made a stupid mistake but I had never intended for it to hurt you. All in all no matter what I just want you to be happy."

-"Kind of seems like you take it like a joke sometimes"

me- "I don't take our relationship as a joke ever"

and the fighting continues..

and then it turned out he wasn't going to upstate..

and the fighting had stopped & the making up began..

and you know why I do this? It's because I love him. I cherish every single happy moment we have together. I guess I deal with it because I don't want to lose him. I just want him to be happy. I want to make him happier. Hes always saying how selfish I am and no matter what I'd rather sacrifice anything to make sure that he is happy and that we are together. I know when he really is happy he makes me happy. I hold onto every single bit of happiness we share.