DONE.

I think I'm done. I'm serious. Someone I love and care about the most has just told me, "go fuck yourself and die, scumbag." This makes me feel like I really shouldn't exist. Of course I would never take my life, I value life and happiness far too much. It just makes me feel terrible. My heart completely sank when he said that.

Today, July18th-19th, I just felt like he was acting weird, like evil. So, I was like I'm gonna see Harry Potter today. He was like "I can tell you're excited" and then he was like "you were making a big deal about it last time kind of acting like a little kid if they don't get what they want, haha." And then he said, "you gotta have what you want or you get upset." I'm pretty sure I said something along the lines of  'I wasn't upset'. After that, he said," that's how you were acting so I was like "leave it to me to date the 5 year old." And then I said, "the 5 year old is going to leave you alone now." That was at about 2:40. He is still in my phone as "DON'T TEXT" and I'm not planning on changing this anytime soon. He asked me what was wrong at 2:41 and I didn't answer. At 2:47, he said "lmao you're mad at me for how you were acting. peace then." That was 2:47 in the pm.

At 2:59am mind you, he texted me "Night." I didn't answer. Then at 3:09, he texts me "K.Whatever.Bye bitch." Why should I answer to this? I would've considered answering but he is just being so mean, there's no reason for me to. At 3:24, he texts me "K.Bye, bitch" once again he is calling me names. God, I would never say something like this to him, NEVER. I guess he is mad but I really I just want an apology for saying what he said for calling me a 5 year old before. I feel like he really doesn't appreciate me and that he doesn't appreciate talking to me :(

I've never gone too far without sending him anything but this time I was completely serious and I hadn't said a single word to him and this really got to him.

At 3:24am, I texted him "What? Goodnight josh, good luck tomorrow" as you can see I am still being nice, even when he is being this way to me. I also sarcastically texted him "Because calling me names is always lovely, thank you it means so much to me, it touches me dearly, your words strike me like a bullet" I know he will never realize just how much what he says to me affects me and I was being so stupidly sarcastic but I just don't even know anymore. He had texted me back at 3:27 "To be honest. I dont give a fuck. You really are a bitch. I want you to know that. I'm glad that it means a lot to you." Ok 1. I cannot stand cursing. 2. I can't stand name calling. 3. I can't stand that this has all been directed towards me! I feel like he is trying so hard to hurt me, the truth is, it's working. I had texted back in my non-confrontational way as always "How the hell am I.. I'm not even going to ask, I'm going to go back to bed, good night" I don't want to fight. I wanted him to think that I've been sleeping all this time and that I had only awoken to one of his last texts but I bet that didn't work. And then came the "Go fuck yourself and die, scumbag."

I just I'm done.

How can you go back to someone that has said that to you? And he believes it and means every single word of it. I just as of right now I don't see how it's possible. To be honest, I don't think I ever will. I don't think I know him anymore. I don't think I want to know him anymore. It's not like I don't want to spend every given moment with him, because I do, and I don't think that feeling is going to go away but I just feel like he deserves better. If he sees me as this 'scumbag' this 'bitch' this whatever it is bad, then what good am I to him? You know I feel like I try. I feel like I'm nice to him even when he is at his worse, even when he has said worse to me. And I just I kinda want to break free from this. This may possibly be my chance to. I want him to be happy but I don't see him being happy with me. I cherish all our happy times, I am constantly reminded and am thinking and reminiscing about them but the dark, the bad times, they come back. They haunt me. They spring back faster than the wing movement of a hummingbird, and if you've ever seen a hummingbird that's pretty damn fast. But you know what's faster than the springing back of the fighting of the battles? It's his words. They do hit me, they circle through my brain, they keep me up, and they knock me down.

I don't know what to do. Right now, I really just want to be far away from him. You know that if I never make a cautious effort I never have to see him? Most of my friends really don't like him and they have seen me, they have seen me when he says the things he says and how he affects me. They see that I appreciate him and that I feel he doesn't appreciate me back. I can never tell him anything like this though, I don't want to hurt him. I thought when you care about someone, when someone means something to you, all you want is for them to be happy, no matter what. At least that's what I've tried to do. I've failed numerous times, I've screwed up countless times.

Maybe that's life, but I'd like to live my life happily. Sometimes, I really think I was happier without him. I do, and that makes me really sad because I love him, I love how happy he makes me, and I love him in my life. I don't want this to be gone, but it's just been crumbling and I don't feel like I can pick it all up. I feel like we may possibly turn into ghosts, that if we ever see each other again we will just see right through each other.

No, I very much don't want it to be all gone. But what can I do, I can't care anymore than I do. Maybe I'll just kill myself from his life for a while. A while meaning however long it takes for him to forget me. I couldn't dare force myself to forget him, but he has done it before. He has had girlfriends before, he has been a big boy and gotten over each and every one of them. I'll just be another 'slut' or 'whore' or 'bitch' or 'scumbag' to his collection. I don't believe that I was ever perfect in his eyes. I don't care about perfection, I care about happiness. I care that we are both happy. Him more so than myself but whatever.

Hey, I guess it's all done with. I wish him good luck on his big test tomorrow. I hope he passes considering how much the marines means to him. I send him my kisses & warmth from deep in my heart, where he will always be a piece of me, and a great memory.

I'm surprised I'm not crying right now, I feel torn, I feel done with, not appreciated, and just useless but I'm not crying. I'd like to, I want to burst into tears, I have this aching feeling but I can't start crying. Of course I have to go on, I'll take my track team twice as seriously now. I'll appreciate all my friends more & appreciate every lovely, happy second with them. I enjoy my time at track and with my friends so much and will definitely continue enjoying it. Maybe I'm done, but I'm never over.

I am really liking the sound of the band, The Script right now. I guess they make me feel a bit better, they're a more depressing band, in my book, that is, considering I don't like to listen to depressing music at all.

I'd like to say that I'm going to fall asleep tonight not happy. But the suns going to rise as it usually does, the day will go on, it will fade into darkness and into the night eventually and I'm going to put along. I'm not going to tear myself, break myself down any longer. Maybe I can be strong, at least I'm going to attempt it.

I just wish he'd know I care about him, always.

I love him, forever & always.

And that he means something and he will never stop meaning something to me.

I don't expect us to be friends and right now I do feel like we are broken up although it is not 'facebook official' yet. I'll make it facebook official when I wake up this morning. Maybe he isn't the only one out there for me, although he has been the only one to ever pursue me, but I always hoped he'd always be there for me. He isn't here for me now, at least I know he doesn't want to be. He'd rather me be dead. That's not love, that's hate right there. I wish he didn't hate me. But I deserve it, I haven't been the best girlfriend and before he has told me that I have been one of his worst. He's been my first, I won't compare any other guy to him ever but I can say he has left his mark on me.

Goodbye Josh. Goodbye Joshie. Goodbye my big ole teddybear, my oldie, my rebel, my mushball, my babe, my silly palm tree.. and many many more, god there's so many. But goodbye.