Well day 1 of being single is over. I haven't spoken to him the whole day and it's already 4 in the morning of the next day I'm pretty sure he won't text me :/ I will see him however for a couple seconds after track to get my ipod back. I don't know how it will go down and that does make me nervous. To see him and to know we are just, we aren't going out anymore. I feel terrible. In my mind I had thought that it would be cute to end it the way we started it with a hug, like if I were to see him just be like "we started off with a hug, can I at least get one last hug goodbye?" My bestfriend said that would make it more difficult/harder on me and that I wouldn't want to let go. She's right I wouldn't want to let go. I do just want to be closer to him but I do have to let go. I would never want to leave his arms and this saddens me. If there is a place I'd rather be right now & at any given moment, it would be in his arms. Even if we didn't say a single word to each other to just know that he wanted to be with me and that at that given moment we were 'together' I'd just love that, I'd love that so much.
What really kept me from just bursting was all the support I received today. I always knew I had friends, but I didn't know so many people cared for me. A lot of my friends, some close bestfriends, some of my trackies took the time out to comfort me, see if I was alright, talk to me, listen, and give me their opinions back. It meant a whole lot to me. I really am so grateful for that & them.
This is my conversation between a friend & I:
-"Estee it was the right decision there is no reason to stay with him if he was always mean to u that would just make things terrible for u. And u know if I could be close to u I would hold u tight until every fiber of ur body was happy again."
me -"LMAO every fiber of my body that made me smile. I just I don't even know how it happened one minute I was just done and the next it really happened we were deciding when we would meet up that way he could just give me the ipod back, I wanted to give back his teddybear, tshirt, and cellphone charger but he wouldn't take them back; I already miss him so much & now that I don't think I can see him again ever I just don't know what to do, I can fight for him the next time I see him I can say I was wrong and for us to just be together again I want him to be happy"
-"Estee don't beg for him back. U weren't right for each other. Everything was a fight and what wasn't a fight he made difficult. The little amount of time u were happy didn't make up for the nights you were texting me about to or already crying"
-"Yeah you are right, thank you you are absolutely right!! We weren't perfect for each other, at least I was never perfect for him & I always wanted to be to be honest though most of my friends have all recently became single & I noticed how much I've just been done with everything I want to be single but I'm not gonna be mackin biddies, & I don't even want to have fun with anyone I'm gonna just take some deep breathes, live my life, try to be as happy as I can, just enjoy everything and try not to miss him so much. I don't want to forget him & things maybe could've been better but whats done is done"
A close friend told me, "I'm sure you guys could of worked something out and yeah, just relax and move on, trust me there's another million guys that you'll meet and you'll find the special one!" To be honest, finding the 'special one' and meeting another million guys, I don't even want any of that. I kind of feel like if I wasn't good enough for Josh how can I be for someone else?
One of my close trackies said this to me, "Aw Estee, you are going to make me cry. First of all, never say you weren't perfect enough for him, because you were too good for him. & maybe things will turn out for the better. You guys fought a lot and I get that you miss him but maybe after a little while you will see that things are better this way. I'm so so sorry boo, and I'm always here for you"
And another close friend told me this,"U have so much going for u no guy in the world should ever put you down" She told me a relationship I should be having is fun & reckless not fighting especially not as much as we have. I feel like she's right. To be honest, I feel like a relationship is only good if both parties make each other happy, they want to see the good in each other, and they appreciate each other. At least those are the things I'd love in a relationship.
My bestfriend today told me that if I didn't want to go to track to come over her house and that we could talk and whatnot. I told her I actually wanted to go to track and that it helps me clear my head. When I came to my bestfriend's party (it was her sweet 16, we just celebrated by eating, going in the pool, and just being retarts) it was actually a ball. I knew all the girls and I could talk freely with all of them. I felt like it was okay for me to laugh and be happy and my bestfriend told me I had been handling it well. I sure hope so. I am a happy, optimistic person and I do look at the brighter side of everything and just being with them and having some fun with the girls, it helped me a whole lot. I've been tyring to keep myself as busy as I can that way I think/miss him a lot less. I have been missing him and I just didn't even want to believe the fact that I am now single. I still don't like the fact that everything is just g o n e.
I just saw that he deleted me as a friend on facebook lol. He's so smart to leave his facebook not on private. These are all the statuses pertaining to me: "Never spit shit that you wont feel." and "I gave up everything, for nothing." and "
"Take me back to how it used to be."
"Somethings never change."
"I love you<3"
"I miss you<3"
"I am starting to not be able to stand you."
"You're unbearable."
"I love all the lies."
"I go swimming and cuddle with my girlfriend, so that makes me an asshole according to her family. Good shit."
"You're fake bro(;"
"Wet towels & dirty laundry are what Estee lives for."
"Ahhhh :) I got Estee into Asking Alexandria :D Lmao"
"So much for change."
"Haha, what was I thinking dating you? I must have been tripping bawls when I asked you out."
"Out to eat with babe<3"
"It's all my fault."
"Kids these days."
"You will always be two-faced."
"So how long did I expect love to outweigh ignorance?"
"Ones not enough for you."
"Fuck this."
""Tracks over. So I wonder if there's practice today."- Estee. Because this makes sense."
"Today blew."
"To think you could of changed."
"My patience is running low."
"Some people never change."
"So annoyed."
"Why do I even try?"
":) <3"
"Oh my fucking god."
"With Estee and her family bringing Papa Braginsky to the airport."
":) <3"
"Estee is so mean to me
"I just got ganged up on by Estees family. Not cool. :("
"Estee is a mean kid."
"Estee almost just died. Lmao"
"Here with Estee(:<3"
"I love you<3"
"Well, in that case I will just go fuck myself."
"I miss Estee ):"
"Spent all day with Estee<3 Now its weird laying here alone ):"
"Hm, yeah. Estee makes me soso happy(: <3"
"Estee<3"
"I love Estee(:"
"I miss Estee ): <3"
"One would think you'd get to talk to your girlfriend. But nope, I guess not."
"On my way to Chitt for break. I'm just gonna be thinking about Estee the whole time(:"
"Oh just texting Estee till I fall asleep (:"
"So happy :) eb <3"
"You were not worth my time, at all. I'm glad I wasted my time on you. But I'm glad you've officially been replaced."
"Oh my goodness :) <3"
"The look in your eyes makes me crazy."
"So tired. So worth it(:"
I just don't even have words for any of this anymore. :/
No comments:
Post a Comment