and it's back

Dickdickdick, guess who's back? The dick is back!! He is being such a sick jerkoff! LOL he won't miss me. He clearly just said so himself  "Mmm. I cant wait to be sent off and never come back(:" For once when I am honest with him, he picks more things to put me down. What he says to me does have an affect. He thinks it's "cute how hard you try to pull off the skater/punk look lmaooo." In all honestly, yes at times I really do like the way that kind of fashion looks on me. I like the way every skater/most hipsters and whatnot are so skinny & I feel like their clothes help them be that way. I like the way their clothes are so comfy and you can do practically anything in them. I find these clothes much better to wear around than a pretty hollister/american eagle/h&m/forever21 top but I wear those too. It's not that I'm trying hard but I do care about my outside appearance. I've looked much grosser than I do now and I just care how other people see me. He claims that most people don't care what other people think of them. But I do.

This is how some of it went down:

-"It's like your trying to turn heads. I mean ik your boy crazy and all, but really estee?"

just sayin, you're* trying and you're* boy crazy

me -"I am not doing this for boys, I dress the way I dress for myself. I don't curl my hair to school. I don't wear makeup. I bum it to school numerous times and especially on days when I have track meets, which is a whole lot! I like looking decent though, to school, wherever, it just makes me feel a little bit better in myself."

-"you are boy crazy. You can't even say you're not because everything you do contradicts that." I'm not sure what this 'everything I do' is but sure.

me -"okay" I was neither agreeing or disagreeing. I just didn't want to turn this into a fight, it clearly already started.

-"Live in your denial. See where that gets you" Lol what denial? 
me-"I wasn't agreeing or disagreeing, all I said was okay"

-"I just shake my head at you and laugh" Who says that to someone!? I just, why!??!

me -"thanks?" How stupid am I? I should'ave told him it bothered me that he would say something like that to me. It feels wonderful when someone you love/care about says something like that to you. NO, it doesn't it really doesn't! It feels terrible/ awful/ no good/ very bad. I hope no one ever has to hear or feel something like this ever in their life.

-"No problem :)" cough dick cough cough

me -"You are probably the last person I'd want laughing at me instead of with me. Either way I'm glad I amuse you" Like doesn't he see that I'm bothered, maybe just the slightest bit?

-"Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge"

me -"What do you mean?"

-"Just as it sounds"

me -"I'll stop talking to you then if it will keep you from getting closer to the edge I bet it will help" I just want him to be safe & happy, if me being out of his life does that than I'm glad. I mean I probably won't be happy about it but I'll be happy he is at least happy. That's all I ever wanted.

-"Lol, idc anymore. It's whatever."

So yea, he is back in my phone as "DON'T TEXT" and I'm not planning on texting him back anytime soon, maybe not ever. Hopefully soon though... ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh but it didn't end there:

-"Mmm. I cant wait to be sent off and never come back(:"

I just want him to be happy, I just I guess I'm not something that keeps him happy anymore. I know he doesn't need me, maybe he still loves me? Oh wait, he doesn't care anymore, it's whatever so obviously not. Just lovely.

I feel like now that he has gotten to know me, now that he has seen all my flaws, my mistakes and, everything bad in me, that that's all he sees in me. That that's all I am, just those horrible traits that I have. I mean I know I'm not perfect and that there's a very slim chance I could ever be perfect for someone but still am I any better than just those bad things? Probably not, but I wish I was.

Also before all this was, he had asked me what I thought about if he was gone and this is what I said: "No, because that would really make me upset to know I wouldn't have you anymore to know you were just gone, like who would teach me to make a grilled cheese? Or make fun of my music? Who'd I spend my Fridays with and always want to cuddle, kiss, dance, and hug? Who'd I text so much and always want to be with? All I'd be left with would be dreams of wanting and needing to be with you again :/ I wouldn't be satisfied until I could get the real thing, I just couldn't imagine my life without you especially after 5months 2weeks and 3days I just love you and nobody could replace you and I just want us always & forever"