I HATE FIGHTING

His words sting, they hurt me. I never meant to intentionally hurt him ever or call him names and I especially don't pick fights. It's ridiculous sometimes. And worst of all it makes the both of us so unhappy. I always thought if two people were perfect for each other they were just happy and that there's no reason to ever fight, that's complete bologna! I never let anyone speak to me the way he does but I just give in to him. I feel like I'm always making him unhappy. I know he doesn't trust me and I just suck and that he deserves to not be hurt by me. I never thought I'd say this but I feel like we are at "it's complicated." It's always a battle. I just want things to be better and by better I mean happier.

I am giving him his space. I have considered changing his name in my phone from "joshieeee<3" to "josh clark<3 don't text" but I didn't I just changed it to "josh clark" idk.

Conversation between one of my friends & I:

-"estee if he is just being a constant ass to u break up with him because it sounds like u are fighting more than anything"

me -"he isn't an ass to me and we really are fighting more than anything :/ I hate it"

-"so what can you do"

me -"hope for the better"

Conversation between my wittle track freshman & I:

-"do you feel you would be happier without him."

-"no ones ever asked me that, sometimes I feel like I could be. I don't want to think that or feel that way but I just I've never cried over a guy ever and I always cherish the good/happy times we had but like I just don't know we are always fighting and he does make me happy but I feel all I do is hurt/make him sad and that doesn't make me happy"

-"you love him too much to want to think about it, sometimes when you love someone so much you have to set them free and if the love was strong and really there you'll end up being together again. It's not fair to you that your upset when he's upset because then you're both upset because the other person is upset"

I feel like he may pick the fights but I am to blame for it all. I'm always the reason why we are fighting because of how horrible/ no good/ terrible I really am. I'm always doing something wrong. I wish I was perfect for him. He deserves to not be hurt by me. I know that I've made serious mistakes with him and that he is right. Neither of us need these battles.

One of my friends told me this:

"I know you don't wanna hurt him but you have to do what's best for you"

"you shouldn't be crying, you're too good for that, I hate when guys make girls cry but if you think space is good then that's up to you but I don't wanna ever hear you say you cried again you're amazing and shouldn't let him get to you like that"

"estee they DONT/CANT come better than you so don't say that and if he's saying that he obviously doesn't deserve you, god I feel like beating the shit outta him"

"see estee he's not good for you, he has you sad too much"

"estee, a lot of girls are boring that couldn't compare, you are funny, you know how to have fun, people would kill for a girl like you"

"hey see he has you thinking all bad about yourself"

"you're great and there is nothing wrong with you"

"estee what you just said about yourself kills me because it's not true at all and you would have never said something like that before. I want to kill him for making you sad and think that way about yourself"

"but you are perfect"

Yet Josh wins me over with this:

"No I wouldn't be better off without you. I need you. I really do love you. I always will. Me being stressed out doesn't help out with our battling, I'm sorry." "please don't go baby, I need you<3"

I would do anything for him & I care about him so much, I truly love him. <3