the end 7/27/11

So I think we are done :( It does sadden me to say this. Today, he texted me "Estee hates Josh." I couldn't save any of my texts back because I didn't have enough space in my phone but I'll try to fill it in as best as I can remember. And this is how it went down:

-"Joshie no think that. Baby is just thinking crazy things. Joshie wishes baby was here making him feel better"

-"'Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge' <- im not thinking crazy things."

-"You're mad at me and don't like me"

me-"LMAO you don't care anymore. It's whatever."

-"Why should I care about you? You give me every reason not to"

-"Doesn't help when everything gets kicked/spat back in my face. Maybe someday you'll care about someone else besides yourself"

-"Lol, you don't want me anyways." <- I don't see what's so funny.

-"My mom and Staff Sergeant Nepo have been up my ass non-stop for awhile and just stressing me out. Then I turn to you for comfort and stress relief but then I remember you've been different 24/7 for the last month or 2 so then I give up. And I told you I was."

-"I've been having a lot of bad thoughts lately and I can't think straight. Going to pt clears my head and I can actually think straight, I don't know why. Maybe that's whats been changing me"

-"You don't bother me. I'm only happy when I'm with you. And I can't even go to pt anymore for a little while."

-" I just wanna get sent out, that way I won't come back"

-"Well I'm not gonna bother you anymore. I'll leave you alone now. I'm sorry."

-"You're done with me so I'll just go." <- I'll never be done with him.

-"You said we're done so I'm just gonna go for a run or go to bed or something."

-"Keep it, it would smell like you and remind me of you so keep it"

-"Just keep it. I gave it all to you because I wanted you to have it. That way a piece of me is always with you. When do you want your ipod"

-"Yeah. I don't want it back. I would see it and think of you so I'd just get rid of it. And let me know."

-"It's yours. If you want it back, you can have it. Just tell me when and where and I'll be there to give it to you then be out of your life so you won't have to deal with me."

I feel terrible, I feel like the bad guy. I wish it didn't end this way. :( I feel like there's a huge air bubble in the back of my throat that won't leave and I actually want to cry. Lauren, my bestfriend has fallen asleep on me, as usual lol, but I am laying right beside her writing this post then I'll go to bed, so I won't cry. I just I actually don't want it to be over, maybe this is the most gigantic mistake I'll ever make. Or maybe it's right. I won't know yet for sure, but I hope it's right. I'm not ready for anything anymore. I don't want anything. To be honest, I'd love to just be in his arms right now. It wont happen though :( Ill see him when he gives me back my ipod but that's about it. I really will miss him. I had a great, amazing guy.

Btw he sent me 'Je deteste toi.' 2 days ago it means 'I hate you' that's when he was just joshin around, we were joking. I think he can say it now and actually mean it.