I long to be appeased

I've neglected you and I mean that in many ways. It's unfair and you don't deserve any of what you are going through. You spoke of love in which you are obsessed and immersed in the person and all of your motives are driven by that person. I know that love. I remember that love. I love that type of love. However I don't feel that way. That type of feeling just happens and there is no forewarning or way of encouraging/stopping it. It's so difficult for me to put into words how I don't feel as though I am completely there or immersed or even in love. And it pains me to pain you. It's not just pity. I know I can be coldhearted, irrational, and insatiable. I've stopped seeing a future for us. You say I've given up and I'm starting to believe it because I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I've killed many things within our relationship. I lost a drive that I never thought I'd lose. I don't think I want anything at the moment. You aren't letting me go and I appreciate it. There is a part of me that wants to stay, that doesn't want change, or to do something I'll regret. You compare this to other things when I still don't know what to think of it myself. You tell me reasons why I'm like this and I believe them because they make sense and tie in with past experiences and I have nothing else to grab hold to. I'm not trying to place the blame on you. It's not all your fault. I'm a gigantic part of this and I'm causing this torture. I've let you get away with countless things I normally wouldn't and I know you do the same for me if not even moreso. I hadn't seen us getting to this point at all. I looked at other relationships and was wondering when they'd die and had no inclination of my own dying. I feel as though no time will be a good time and I don't want to ruin your life or take away everything that means something to you. It's rough because I am in control and I have no good reasons not to be in love. And I say we'll see with optimism but I don't know what I want to see. My judgment is clouded. It's one of those things where I want space to breathe and think. And you're so sure I'd be gone forever and I'm not so sure I wouldn't be. It's unnerving. You ask me to tell you things straight up and I'm not sure how to explain things to my own self. We've had countless issues within our relationship and they've eaten away at me and I'm sure they did to you too. You're trying to fix it and I'm just trying to enjoy my summer. Our schedules are still not aligned and I don't know if they ever will be. I'm not there for you when I should be and then when it's just me I feel as though I'm used to being alone. I felt alone many times and it made me so frustrated. I bet it did to you too or else you wouldn't have fled to other people for attention. I didn't let you in many times. But I'm not sure of what I would do if things were flipped. I don't think I could have handled another heartbreak. I don't mean to put you through this. I'd like to see what happens. I don't know if hope is in my tarot cards but I know taking action is. I want you to have hope, patience, encouragement, good influence, compassion, strength, bravery, and devotion. Not to lose sight of the amazing person that you are and the good heart that is within you. Even if it is deep within you and only shown to a select few. I don't know if I could be there forever & always and as much as I'd like to. I feel our interests diverging with immense speed. So much contradicts and I can't even imagine how this makes you feel and how baffled you are. Even throughout this process you've managed to check up on me and try to make me feel better when I'm the one that should be comforting you. Yet I never know what to say. Even when honesty is the best policy I know I'm letting you down. I'm disappointing you so much. I heard it in your voice when you were angry at me for "playing games" and acting like a highschooler. But I haven't been able to devote more into this. Whenever I try to enjoy myself it comes back and I'm forced with actions and decisions and it makes me so restless. I try to avoid and let things seep in so I can think and not just be so random. I'm not letting anyone influence my decision. Sometimes I wish I could just get a consensus and follow it. My mind doesn't view things in the same way. I am frightened of change and the unknown. I'm frightened of not realizing that the decision I'm making will be a terrible one. I've been guilty for so long. At the time I felt as though it was only a trivial feeling. There were moments where I could forget about it because of you. And then others where it made me mad at myself for still holding on. I hadn't had the chance to just forget about everything else but myself and really listen to myself. I've allowed others to take care of me and steer me. I've wanted it this way for so long. I don't know if I care to be steered in any which way anymore. I want to be free to make all of my own decisions and not hold back. I haven't been able to be free and you saw that in regards to other people at firefly. They let themselves go. I couldn't do that even when I saw the fun they were having. I couldn't handle it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have been an emotional wreck but not in the way you've been. I don't know how much more of me you'll take. I can't believe you still want me to be a part of your world. I feel as though most of which I brought to it was chaos.

Oh lord, won't you leave me

Leave me on my knees

'cause I belong to the ground now

And it belongs to thee

You ever look back and think about how perfect things seemed?

B0gGles mY m!nd

It boggles my mind how you didn't want to make a girl you hardly knew embarrassed and/or awkward for forcing herself onto you. 

It boggles my mind that she treated you like a piece of meat saying she would make out with you and rape you even and you just let her be all over you. 

I can only imagine how much you would like it if a guy told me even just the conversation starter that she used. Why would Estee have any issues with some girl thinking that I'm cute? But I guarantee that if any male called me cute you'd be wishing death upon them. Apparently nothing she said or did bothered you which boggles my mind completely. Apparently telling a girl off is a bad thing because you're a guy but as a girl it's completely fine. It's especially fine to blow off guys as soon as they say, "Hello," to you. Especially fine to tear down another girl for encroaching on my man because he is too "nice" to say anything realistic. And then you claimed that you told her all about your girlfriend but when she asked what you were up to or what you did for Halloween you didn't have much to say. It's just so interesting to me when something like this happens because you're always ready to say that I don't empathize with you and that I love to ignore you. And I'm not even jealous of her being or worried of you cheating it's just interesting that all of a sudden when someone was throwing themselves at you, you couldn't get out of the situation. 

But I shouldn't even be mad at you. I'm over here mad at myself because come to think of it I could have acted on it. I should've known you didn't want to look like a bad person and sacrificed my own self-image to save you from such a difficult situation. I should have popped her in the face. Oh wait did I really just say that? Peaceful Estee really just said that she would pop another female in the face for flirting, cat-calling, and intruding on her boyfriend's life. I should have told her thirsty butt to go back to where it came from. I have all these brilliant ideas the day after when the night of all I could do was get myself to the bathroom and completely walk passed you two in the doorway rather than hearing your meaningless conversation whilst trying to fall asleep. She and you made me want to puke more than my hangover and that's what drove me straight to the bathroom. I was so shot. I was so happy to finally be in bed after not having my night go as planned. After not getting work done and after not watching Wallace and Gromit with you. But then for her to swoop into the picture I should have taken out every bit of frustration on her. I wish I had made sure she felt like a tramp. 

It boggles my mind that in order to prevent looking like a bad RA you would rather be sexually assaulted. You don't like desperate girls but when they attack why/how are you so ready to entertain them? I just wonder why you value time spent communicating with them. It boggles my mind that I don't know the answers to such mundane questions. 

It boggles my mind how you don't appreciate me talking to guys when they aren't flirting with me and when we communicate as friends but when a girl (I don't even want to call her a girl because she makes me ashamed to be a girl for not picking up your very subtle, subliminal messages that went along the lines of, "please stop talking to me," and for not stopping her nonsense after hearing that you have a girlfriend) comes over and wants to talk about raping you and making out with you and how cute you are that you willingly prolong the conversation. You all of a sudden don't have any escape routes planned. But I mean you told her you had a girlfriend so you must be totally in the clear. Especially since after you told her that and she asked if things would be awkward that no of course not. Especially since she made sure to mention how she'd love to make out with you but hahaha that's fine too, no worries there we all like to tell everybody how much we'd like to make out with them and hear all about the dirty things they want to do to us. I mean I definitely want to hear another guy tell me he wants to rape me, I feel like you would completely understand why I'd love to listen to that. It boggles my mind how do you even respond!?! I liked how when she asked if she was bothering you, no of course not. I like how whenever she made a sneaky comment, mostly some type of sexual innuendo, that there was no sort of consequence. It's like nothing she said was wrong. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror after not being able to throw up shaking. Mostly because I had no idea what I could possibly do and mostly because I didn't want to see her standing in front of the doorway talking to you, giggling, and tearing your clothes off piece by piece with her promiscuous eyes. She had the gall to say hi to me as I walked back into the room. The gall. All that mattered to her was your pretty face, your mouth and/or your dick. And then you come back into the room as if the entire circumstance was handled well and that nothing happened because you hadn't stood there making out with her as if you never gave in to her unforgiving commentary. Nothing you did was wrong. You Saint you for making sure that she wasn't awkward or anything for putting her liquid courage to the test with you. I wish I had more balls. Especially would have loved to have ripped her apart. 

You poor thing the first thing you told me was how you were going to have nightmares over imaginary clowns when a real-life clown came into your life and interrogated and threw herself onto you but there was nothing that you did about it except of course continuing your involvement with her. I was living in a real-life nightmare while you wanted me to protect you from ones that hadn't even occurred yet. 

But I must have this entire situation all wrong. I must've not understood you when you kept talking to her. I didn't take for granted the fact that you told her you'd leave when I came back from the bathroom while I was taking my sweet time in there to save myself from emotional turmoil. Good thing I had no idea of such a plan. I wonder how much longer you'd let her relentless trifling continue. I hope her attention made you feel better with yourself because that's about the only positive aspect I could see from interacting with that beast. 

I didn't matter during the entire time while you were out there precipitated with coquetry and that boggles my mind. 

But in the end it's always my fault

Time & time again I am reminded that I am a terrible person. I am reminded of how manipulative I myself can be. If it weren't so then I assume most of the problems that arise in my relationships would not reoccur.
I haven't treated you fairly. You say you are upset because of how much you've wanted me to change meanwhile I keep changing you. In relationships you gotta make sacrifices and you gotta grow together. Us changing each other for what we think is the better is the whole point of being in a relationship because you allow your significant other to become the person you know they can be. I know it's not easy being blamed for something you've done wrong but for me it's just as hard to place the blame on someone other than myself. In the end I didn't give you enough attention alas you wouldn't search for it in other people. You wouldn't say the things you did to someone else if I was truly there for you. We both didn't know what was going on. I don't know why I turned so mad about everything. I didn't want you to feel hated for everything that you did but moreso and moreso I wanted you to listen. I didn't want you to keep brushing the things I was trying to explain to you off and as frustration turned to angst I didn't use you to help myself. I don't even remember what outlets I used to help myself. In the process I dug you into a whole 10 feet deep that I didn't give you the tools to get out of. And I'm here to bring things from worse to even worse because I can't control my insecurities. They won't stay at bay. And I can hardly bring myself to words when it comes to making things better.
All I do is feel.
I feel off.
I feel bothered.
I feel disappointment.
But granted you must feel worse. And I'm not trying to compare us too much although that is such a hypocritical statement because I certainly am, I want things to get better and I want us to not feel so bad. I want for you to not hate me. I know I can't hate you because you have the greatest of hearts and as uncertain as I may be I'm certain you wouldn't want to hurt me. I'm usually wrong about that statement but I'm not going to give up thinking that people aren't trying to purposely hurt others. Things you said have put into perspective that I don't know you as well as I thought I did and that is just something I'm going to have to learn. I'll never know you as much as I truly want to. I'll never be remarkable or perfect. I'll be there to mess things up. I'll be there to keep you uncertain. I'll be there to make u feel terrible. I'm not the greatest of people and I'm certainly not the greatest of girlfriends.



Here's to being unrelenting.

The Summer of Maryann

People spring themselves into your life for a reason. Maryann has been a major part every time I worked at my summer job for three summers now. Think of a spunky barely five-foot tall Italian woman from Brooklyn who claims she isn't a day over twenty-five. She used to tell the boys at my pool that with a twist of her hip every time. She's awesome and unique. She sees eye to eye with everyone and doesn't put herself above anyone. Sometimes I feel like she tries her best to agree rather than making a fuss. Maryann's always willing to hear the other side and educate herself. Being close to eighty years old, she hasn't stopped learning. I admire various personality traits and qualities that she has. Over the years it seems that she has only ever improved herself. She doesn't judge harshly what she doesn't understand. She has talked to me of her romantic fling with a gay man, growing up with a protective and respectful truck driver father, working at Bank of America, getting over speech impediments, religion, and a bunch of various topics. She's up to date with the pool and all of its lifeguards because we are her children. She never married and never had kids of her own. Throughout her community she has been a kind and friendly soul to everyone. Sometimes I feel that she can be hypocritical but who isn't?

There are a lot of things I've learned from Maryann and she doesn't mind reminding me of all she teaches me. She likes knowing things and spreading information she's certain about and isn't afraid to say or be wrong. At times I don't want to talk and I'd rather read in the sanctity of a quiet and boring pool but she has managed to keep me grounded and has shown me how much human contact can enlighten me and make me think. She helps the time go by that's for sure. I can't really put our talks or how she affects me into words but I know that we both give each other purpose in a sense. She's always there to tell stories and I'm always there to listen. I'm not afraid to disagree with her and not afraid to interject my own views and I'm glad she isn't stubborn or snotty or reprimanding. She's flexible. I believe I'll hold contact with Maryann as long as she's alive. I hope she lives for a very long time. She's an interesting soul. She means well. I'm not here to bash her. Maryann has inspired me to write this because I don't want to forget about her. I don't think I ever will but it feels good to know that something I'm writing is about an influential person in my life. I've always had a love for a person's story and getting to know Maryann certainly makes me revel in that passion. 

Note to self: read more biographies.

Geez who am I that I just left my blog unattended for so long? It takes a stir of my emotions to get me to write and let everything I need to out in the form of laptop keys into words which translate into blog posts. I'm not even sure I still know how or what to write. I'm not sure of most things -- who I want to become, how I feel, or what's going on. I'm just taking each moment as it comes and dealing with it someway I deem fit. Although, I'm not in shape for what is being thrown at me and I am struggling to keep up. 

My current boyfriend is a source of light. He is a ray of sunshine that keeps illuminating me and supporting my decisions however unpredictable, stubborn, and reckless they may be. He likes to keep me in check and I know as much as I want to rebel that he has the best of intentions and therefore I need to listen more. He has helped me pick up the pieces of my broken life from the moment we shared our first sleepover and I'm not sure he knows how much he has done/continues to do for me. He has been full of surprises since the moment I've laid eyes on him. He is a genuine human being with more care than I have ever seen compacted into a male body. If only he was here to comfort me at night. u__u

I hate that I have a hard time sleeping alone. I like to think I'm independent and here I am a self-proclaimed insomniac, re-reading old blog posts, becoming a riled mess of emotions, and blaming my boyfriend for living miles upon miles away for not curing my loneliness. I'm not really lonely or alone. I have him in spirit. He touches my soul in waves. I can't forget him. It's great I have him to love, cherish, and appreciate & he does the same for me. Long distance is incredibly hard and don't let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise. When you go from spending months sleeping side-by-side w/ an amazing person to laying in your childhood bed surrounded by pillows, that void in your heart feels almost as great as if you were the last person on Earth. I know I'm being dramatic but it's hard to explain how bad I feel when I can't talk to him and allow him to reassure me of my thoughts. I hate not being able to communicate with him but I know if I stay strong and patient he will get back to me. 

I will be seeing you soon. We don't go too long without seeing each other and that's very reassuring. I love being with you & I cannot wait! 

I assure you you're the best birthday present I'll receive this year. 
Thank you for staying with me despite all my mistakes. 
Thank you for all the chances you've given me and continue to give me. 
I hope I repay you in all the right ways. 

Thanks for not giving up on me so far.

Two opposing forces typically achieve the worst from each other yet they pull together like magnets. You'd think two positive opinions and two negative opinions would attract to each other but magnets like life don't work out that way. You disagree. You fight. You want things your way and the other person thinks the same way. Things don't work out how you've planned and if you truly want something you must fight for it.
People are just different. Personalitywise, their logic, actions, desires they all make us important in our own way. I hope you have the courage to allow yourself to show your true colors even if it's only with a special someone. Someone who appreciates you for all you put out is a keeper. If they're not afraid to tell you like it is cherish them.
In the past & currently I am not the best at being respectful, caring, sympathetic, empathetic, nice, and even loving. I am naive. I don't think I'm doing something wrong til a person tells me and then I meltdown at the hearing of all the bad traits I have although I basically knew I inherited them. I don't mean to ever hurt anyone or disrespect them or make them think I don't care for them. It's not something I mean to do. I've managed to do this quite a lot sometimes I believe I really should change but in the moment I'm me and I have a hard time changing something I'm unsure of. I sometimes think accepting someone for everything they do is a part of love. Love can stir many other emotions but true love never takes away from how much you adore, care for, and appreciate the other person. I mean I may be wrong I may have a different definition of love than you. I may believe in nothing more than a common lie. But I am passionate about one thing and that's love. It's all around us. It's within us. As is the opposite - hate - is prevalent. We decide which we want to feel. I may love going out and doing things to a certain degree. You may hate what I love. That doesn't affect how much I love you. If I love you I love all of you.
From your back freckles to your smile to your hair which I love running my fingers through to the way your arms feel when they're wrapped around me or your legs when they're intertwined with mine or your fingers as they trace my body and allow me to do the same to your brain and your curiosity and your willingness to try new things and to be better to so many more irresistible things about you; I can't get enough of you. I love it all. I love the way you make me feel for the most part and hate myself for unintentionally hurting you, yes the spite hurts but I guess I deserve it if I hurt you. You're still here and idk for how long. That's more frightening than anything. You're right any day could be our last. I hope not anytime soon. There's a lot I still would like to experience with you. I just hope you don't give up on me soon. I know you've found plenty of reasons that you might already. I know I don't do a great job of convincing otherwise and I'm sorry for that. I'm not all that great. I've warned you.

It's so hard when you feel so lonely and have a guy that you care for and want and adore far away from you and a willing ex-boyfriend. Things messed up greatly between the ex and I. I'm starting to let go of him because I want to not because I feel I need to which is great. It's more progress. I'm starting to finally adjust and think more for myself. 

It's difficult because I feel as if I can't entirely put my all into another person. I'm still scared. I did with him and then when he was gone picking up the pieces was so difficult. This kind of mind state is not fair for the person that's showing me respect & affection & everything I may not even deserve. He treats me right and I adore him for it. He's grown on me. I catch myself thinking of him and wishing he was close. I miss his kisses. I miss him. I can't wait until we are together again.

On a side note, this summer's going to be an interesting one. I can feel it.   

I am so lucky to have such a great person beside me atm. He's such a good person && appreciates me. I find him attractive and he knows how to rile me up. Meanwhile I am trying to get over someone else and that person plagues my mind. I can't help but think of him so much. I don't know how I should or want to feel. I'm just trying to let things happen and see where that takes me.


 I am just grateful that I have someone so great here. I'm trying.

Dunno

Saw you tonight & of course I still have feelings for you. Everything in me sank & I've been wanting to see you. I've practically been trying to find you in most things while also trying to get over you. It doesn't help because my heart and mind brings me back to you but I have been keeping myself distracted other ways. Helps me forget but I can't forget you. I think of you and care about you so much and that all kills me and idk why I can barely help myself. I couldn't acknowledge you & it's not like you would to me either. Haven't gone out of your way and I doubt you will. It hurts to think this. Pretty damn sad what we turned into. I'm not even sure how to react to you because I know what I want and what I should are two completely separate things and I can't do what I did before. It led to you leaving, to you losing feelings, to all the things you ever said being so completely false. Idk how I trusted you so much. Not like you're back now. Not like anything. I hate our situation. I doubt there even is one for you. I'm nothing to you. How sad is that?! I gotta stop. I really cared and loved you, I still have feelings that I can't just forget for you. But hey you don't and that's what I've been harnessing to keep me from fighting for you. You haven't fought for me. You haven't proved an ounce to me. I think about you so much. I wonder where all this thinking is going for me ...lately it hasn't helped me much. Not seeing you and creating a new life for myself  has helped but seeing you, seeing your friends, continually seeing things that remind me of you it all hurts me & I can't even believe we are no longer anything. We aren't friends. We aren't anything. We don't even talk. Last time you talked to me you said we start talking when summer comes along. I'd think if you cared for me you'd want to be in my life and talk to me but nah not you. You don't care. I shouldn't care. Dammit.

When I'm not feeling sad, I'm angry. When I'm not feeling sad or angry, I'm feeling confused. These three emotions have basically consumed by entire spring break this year. I lay here drinking what's left of a bottle of cranberry and rum and another bottle of cranberry and brandy and I can't help but feel so pathetic. I spent so much time on you. I thought you actually loved me too. What a fool I was. For putting all of myself into someone. Someone I should've known would leave. I mean you left your ex of what two months why wouldn't you lose feelings for some girl of seven. I'm so dumb. I'm so done. I'm forced to keep moving forward. I just don't know, don't really want to either.

I get to come to campus a single girl... yippee... hooray... I'm just soooooooo excited. 

Well just hope you're happy. That's what matters and without me I'm sure you are. I bet you're a million times happier. Sorry to keep you from that. My sincerest apologies. 

I. D.o.n.T.K.n.o.w

I don't understand.  I wish I had you here laying besides me, possibly giving me a back-massage. But where are you? You claimed you would always be here for me. But you don't even want to be. It's just so sad.

Disaster

Whose heart do you think broke harder? Honestly I'd just like your opinion. You consume my mind. All of it. Every crevice in its entirety. I crave your love, I crave feeling as if you want me and love me and are happy with me because I have the ability to make you happy. It saddens me that you won't even fight for me, in any minuscule way, you know how much I'd appreciate it. But you don't even want to do that for me. Do I not give you enough in return? Just why? I wish to go to a place and find all the feelings you lost for me, somewhere where you're not wishing to pull away from me but to appreciate and love me and accept me. I guess I just suck, but I knew this already. I crave our climax of events; the foreplay, the act, and the aftermath. I miss the playing and disregard of the consequences, the want. The act in itself is one of the greatest feelings in the world but because of whom you share it with, they're in it just as well as you are and you create euphoric pleasure together. The aftermath is nice because you two are so close together and because he so happens to conduct enough warmth for the both of you. I gotta say I miss it all so much but mainly because of you. I can't help myself from thinking of what could be. I want things for us to get better so much. Where did your need for me go? Where can I find it and bring it back to you? But will you let it? You've already proved how much I don't make you happy and fulfill you. I'm such a fool for you. I gave you so much money, I let you have me: body, mind, and soul, I supported you, and appreciated you as best as I could, and loved you, and cherished you, and was so whimsical over you. I made you such an important piece in my life. All the thoughts and decisions I've had since the day we met have been to or for or even both to you. I go through waves of anger, sadness, confusion, it happens, it makes me shake, and I don't know what to think or do anymore. I'm not sure how to act or what or who to be. I want to be yours but I need to somehow pull from the dependency I had on you and be independent again because you may never come back to me. You may lead a completely different life and forget me. After all life could be better without such a horrible girlfriend to deal with. I believe I gave it my all. I just really wish things were different. I create scenarios in my head where things pick up, where you came to my doorstep or went out of your way and found me and showed me that you still had an inkling of love and care for me. You have just disappointed me so much. You are like Brutus, Julius Caesar's devoted companion who stabs Caesar right in the back. So conveniently done on the Ides of March on March 15th. Stabbed me right in the back again. I trusted you. I thought you could be my forever. I love you so much. It hurts that I still love you. It hurts so much. I don't want you to feel bad for me because you're only treating me out of respect for my person. You don't actually love me. I don't understand what your definition of love is. I guess we've never been on the same page. But my definition goes something along the lines of a person with whom you've spent a considerate amount of time with and enjoy their company, you accept them for all they bring you and they don't seem to mind you either, you've created a bond that has outlasted any previous endeavor, you let each other in on your innermost thoughts and being, you strip yourself of all your layers and are real with them, you see a ton of good in the other person, you have trust and share common interests, it's a combination of events that take place in the spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical union of two individuals. I don't know how I will ever get over you. I don't want to. I only do because I "have" to. I feel forced to get over you because you've gotten over me so long ago. I've just been dragging out a ticking time-bomb and I knew it and let it happen. How could I not have caught all the signs? You should win an Oscar. I actually believed you cherished and appreciated me and loved me so much and couldn't go on without me and that I was doing all the right things. That we were working out despite all odds. I guess not. I'm just so upset with myself and disappointed with you.

Today, someone offered to buy me food, a guy friend in particular. And before that when he sat next to me, he told me that I was the first friend he made at college and how great he thought talking to me was as if it was an honor that he got to talk to me. I told him I'm not even cool. I don't think of myself as someone that great but it was so refreshing to I guess be appreciated. Someone wanted to talk to me while the one I have and love and want to talk to just idk.. I don't feel even a quarter appreciated by the man who holds my beating heart in his hand. /:

I asked this person where his friend was sleeping for the night and he said they would cuddle in his bed and invited me to sleep in between them. I said, "nahh I have a boyfriend!" And the friend goes, " soccer has a goalie... I have a goldfish.. Oh I thought we were naming things that are irrelevant."

My guy friend also caught a glimpse of my tattoo and asked me about it so I showed him it and he told me I was gift-wrapped and everything (my tattoo has a bow in it, it's a thigh garter wrapped around my ankle). 

I gotta say it was refreshing to feel wanted or even just appreciated by someone. I just think back to these two conversations and it kinda saddens me that this is what made my night. I receive texts from my boyfriend saying how he would see me later on tomorrow evening which means holding off dinner. I don't even think I want dinner anymore tbh. I know he doesn't want it. I keep pushing it and I hate that. I also wouldn't want him stuck in traffic wasting time driving up for me, I'm not worth so much. I guess I just really want to see him and see if things get better. That's all I can ever think about is if things will get better.. Is if he will see something he had stopped seeing in me, if he will appreciate me and all the things I do and have ever done for him. Maybe I'm asking too much. I just want to feel wanted by my own boyfriend.~~

Hmff

I wouldn't change you or us for the world. You are so special to me. Right now I don't understand why I see you as such an amazing person, an Adonis, a hero for crying out loud. When I'm with you, when I catch a glimpse of your personality through a text or a pic you sent me or another countless social network or even when I look at you in person I can't help but admire you for the incredible person that you are.

I know that I've made stupid mistakes before that you won't let me live down. I know I need to give you space and time. It's just hard when I want to be here for you which I am for the most part. You ask me to treat you how you've been treating me but I'm not a spiteful person. I'm not ready to instigate and fight against you all the time. I'm not ready to put you down.

I can appreciate a sincere text message, a sincere compliment, or even a flirtatious reply, anything to make me happy. I don't know anymore. I don't want to be the only one who wants the relationship. I feel as if I am not demanding or ask too much of you. I'm so grateful to ALL you've ever given me truthfully. I don't know. It's 3AM and I can't help but think about you but I'm always thinking about you.

I know you need help. I also understand that I may not be the right girl for you as upsetting as that sounds. You've lost the "spark" you've held for me for a long enough time and I may possibly be holding onto a dead-end dream.

I'm not sure though. You'll make me lose all hope that I have in us. But then you'll stay the night, you'll sleep with me, you'll beg for me to spend a weekend with you, you'll text me. I can't begin to tell you how confused you make me.

I'm trying to stay strong as you told me to. It's hard when I feel 60:40 kind of effort. I don't mean to be asking too much of you. After the "friend's birthday weekend" I spent with you during one of my favorite holidays which I dealt with, I dealt with the fact that "we" couldn't celebrate Valentine's Day, a day meant to spend with your significant other just loving them down and appreciating them and making sure they felt appreciated more than anything.

Celebrating our 9 month anniversary was just great, surprisingly you remembered and sadly I didn't. I wasn't even looking forward to it. But yeah we celebrated it on skype when we were both eagerly playing words with friends on our phones and you were playing gta5. I was ready to stop everything I was doing just to (I guess) spend quality time through a computer screen with you and you were multitasking your heart out. I hope you notice I'm not on my phone around you as much. I'm trying not to do things that will set you off. I'm trying to be "good."

A relationship is ultimately what two people make of it and how they want it to be. It's up to us to change or keep what we have. I'm trying to see things from your perspective. I hope you see all the things I do for you. You'd think I would get something back. You tell me I deserve better but why don't you strive to make yourself the best you can be for me? That is asking too much considering I shouldn't ask anything of you for me. You're your own person capable of your own decisions and if you wanted to do something for me you would. Clearly I don't deserve better.

I haven't lost all I felt for you. Piece by piece I feel as if you have. It upsets me. It makes me feel as if I'm practically nothing to you. I wouldn't shove you away. I'm trying to let go of you in case of anything at this point and that saddens me that I even think this. I'm not sure what to do. I want you in my life more than anyone. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to feel as if I can't count on you. I feel as if I can't even try to be cute because it's as if "you don't deserve it." All I want is for you to be happy and feel loved and appreciated and to feel normal and to feel unique and talented and intelligent and so much more. I hate pushing. It just makes everything seem fake. I do deserve better. I deserve the man I fell for. But maybe I don't. Maybe it's not in my cards. Maybe I'm completely wrong. Hmff.

I keep trying to mold this into my brain, "maybe we shouldn't text each other every second of the day
This way we'll have more to talk about when we do text"


This will give me the ammo I need to keep myself away-- even when that's the last thing I want to do. I just want you to fight for me at this point. How can you break up with me and have me fight and do things for you meanwhile you're still trying to discover your feelings? Like how is that fair in any way?

Idk what to think ?¿

Things are so hot & cold. I lost the security I had. I want to feel safe again. As if you won't just up and leave me. But you can and well you have every right to because I suck and when you say I deserve better I know you mean it for yourself and it's true you do deserve better. That's such an old trick even I've used it. I just hate how you're pressing me. You worry me and you're always on my mind. I can't help but think of you all the time and I keep having conflicting emotions because I don't know how to feel anymore. I love you soso much and all I want is to be absorbed in your life and to have you in mine. Everything is practically perfect with you. I never thought for a second that we weren't on the same page. But no we aren't on the same page and that just frightens me. I don't want our tale to finish. I don't know how to react anymore. I don't know whether to feed into all your demands and not talk to you, or to lose you so you try and miss and care for me again as you once did. I don't know whether to fight, bother, and push myself onto you. I stay here awake at 4 in the morning when I have to get up in 6hrs feeling as if I don't know how to feel or what to do and it kills me. 

Also, no one breaks up with me, I repeat no one and you straight did it. And I felt so lost. Who knew I would become so freakin dependent on you. Are you even the slightest bit on me? I thought you used to be but I can't tell anymore.


It hurts to hear someone who I want to talk to every second of every day and want to spend time with and the whole nine yards with be like I think a break would be great for us or we don't have to talk every day, we'll have more to talk about if we don't. I never run out of conversation and it should be an honor that I even text someone so much or want to, ya know? Are you texting and fulfilling yourself elsewhere? Ugh I hate this so much. It makes me shake and makes me lose my appetite and just completely changes my feelings. No matter where I am I can't fully be happy when we are on bad terms. You're at the back of my mind l:


I just want carefree love. A type that I feel solace and comfort from. One in which I don't have to be frightened of you leaving me behind at any second. What the hell do you want??? I miss you so. I hope things get better but I have been losing hope. You give me some hope and then at other times you take any inkling I had left away and leave me clueless fighting fits of confusion, anger, and sadness.

I'm trying for you baby. I look at things you used to say to me and imagine you saying this to me now as if it will console me. It's so hard. I want us more than anything I've ever wanted. I see myself with you and everyone else doesn't even compare to you and the way you can make me feel. No I don't feel crazy fireworks or crazy bliss every time I'm with you but I at least feel complete. I want better than what we used to have & I hope to attain it but I'm going to wait on you because I don't want to be the only one making things happen. I can't pull us out of this when I didn't put us in it but I'll try. You hurt me more than anything before and still and I think back to when I unintentionally hurt you and I guess I deserve it.


Just please try to see things through my eyes. I'm trying to figure things through yours but it's so hard because my feelings for you are only changed because I know yours might have. I can't imagine how that just happens. Are you turned off by me? When I see you I see such a handsome, talented, amazing person what else could I possibly want besides your attention, care, love, and affection? But doubt you see any of that in me and I don't blame you.


well here's to the best /:

Tonight

I had you in my arms & at any given moment it could've been the last time we ever encountered each other. I can't explain how much I appreciate you but I do, oh so much, I do appreciate you. If there's one person I'd want to dedicate my life to it would be you. There is no doubt in my mind that you'd do the same for me. I hate not knowing what to do/what to say to make things better. Not knowing what reaction I will stir from you after provoking you scared me more than anything. Being in an uncontrollable situation that I myself have caused by saying what I did is not my kind of goodbye. I guess I'm glad I brought it out in the open. Take it or leave it I suck and it's up to you if you want to deal with me. I'm cruel. I'm special. I'm unappreciative. But I don't ever mean to hurt anyone. I don't mean to provoke anger/sadness/envy.

I saw you walking away from me but holding yourself back. I was frozen with fear. I could make things worse, watch me, I know I can. But I went to you. I didn't know what to say and I say all the wrong things regardless. Whatever I say or do won't help if you won't let it. I saw the anger, how shaken you were, just all of the hurt I inflicted. I wish it wasn't this way

:'/

 I cried over the possibility of losing him. I'm a sucker . I've gone soft. My friends were right this iron heart is beating.

I'm here once again but no worries I am not torn into pieces! -- At least not that many...

Things for the most part for me have been going swell. I can't complain (too much). 

I have a genuine, kindhearted, intelligent, astonishing, sweet, loving, compassionate, caring, enthusiastic, talented, heartwarming, stimulating, downright amazing, and many many more complimenting features in the form of a boyfriend. My boyfriend. It's still kind of crazy to me that I have him to call my own. He's been here for me for almost 3 months. We're crazy addicted to each other. After countless nights and days and bubble teas as well as other adventures he never ceases to amaze me. He comforts me (even when I don't deserve it). He acknowledges my existence. He flatters me. He continues to make me feel better about myself. I trust him with all that I have. I feel no doubt in saying that he is one of the most important and loveliest people that I have ever had the opportunity of meeting. He has shown me great music and continues to do so. He continually shows me respect in a way that I am hardly even used to. He heightens my curiosity and keeps me on the edge of things. I just see sososo many beautiful things in him. Not to mention how handsome he is. C; I don''t know enough words to describe just how awesome he truly is. To think two strangers from a concert could blossom into so much more completely baffles me. 


Passion certainly has a mind of its own. 
We all have minds of our own. Even if some people don't like to use them to their fullest advantage. 
To think our minds and our hearts have predetermined that we shall like/understand/adhere/respond/want/need each other is unbelievable.  

I just hope nothing gets in our way. 
I hope nothing gets between us. 
Nothing. 
Not anyone. 
Not anything. 
Not distance. 
Not any potentially threatening factor. 

I see us both trying to make things work regardless of any circumstance. 
I see us believing in each other. 
I see us sad as well as happy. 
I see us bitter as well as consolidated. 
I see us tense as well as anxious.
I hope the good outweighs the bad.