And so he decides to text me at 12:25am this -> "I gave up on pt and everything else."

And more:

-"I dont feel like trying anymore."

-"I dont feel like bothering. I have no motivation or inspiration left."

-"I dont know. I like it. It clears my head and makes me stronger and what not. But trashing/fucking up my body doesnt appeal to me that much anymore if I have nobody to do it for. Ive gone completely overboard with it anyways."

-"Eh. I just dont care anymore. Im sorry for even bothering you with this." -

-"Idek what im doing anymore."

-"My fault. I shouldnt of even bothered you with this. I just missed you so much so I couldnt help it. Ill just leave you alone"

me-"Just please be safe and happy thats all i ever wanted and cared about from you josh"

-"I cant be happy without you. So ill just be safe."

me-"I know something that makes you a gazillionbilliontrillionjsakfehshwillion times better than i ever tried to and thats going back upstate, do you think youll go back anytime before school starts?"

-"Nope. Kissing and holding you made me even happier than going back home. And yeah, I have to."

me-"I was just another fight waiting to happen josh and im sure you will enjoy every hopefully stress-free minute spent there, now your friends wont have to yell at you for breaking up with me you can tell them youre all done with me you can even tell them youve broken up with me if youd like"

-"i dont want to be done with you"

me-"I didnt want to ever be done with you, but theres one thing i realize i hate the most & thats fighting & thats the most gigantic thing we would ever do together i never look at the bad side of anything i always hold onto everything good but i just feel like i was never something good for you and that you really have a chance to be happy now"

-"I know I fucked up and im sorry. I really am. I always took out my stress and anger on you because you were always there, that wasnt right of me. Im a terrible person."

me-"Its alright josh, you arent a terrible person"

-"How am I not?"

me-"Because no matter what you do or say i dont see you as that."

-"Thats how I see myself. Ill never be able to make things right and make myself better for you"

me-"I just figured that when you loved someone youd accept them, the good, the bad, everything i always saw & see the good in you because thats what i want to see in you but i just ive felt like i couldnt anymore & ive just been so done"

-"Oh. Youre done with me.."

me-"Im sorry i've just been trying very hard to let go of you"

-"I thought you just wanted time and some space. I didnt know you were just done with me. Well uh, I guess I better go then"

me-"I just im so scared that if im in another relationship ill screw it all up, i wont be good enough, and ill cause more fights & just make everything worse for myself"

-"I see. Well uh its good that youre thinking about being in another relationship already."

me-"Im sorry i contemplated going back out with you"

-"Idk what that means."

me-"Ill rephrase im sorry i thought about being in a relationship with you again"

-"I always think about it. But I cant, I just cant. Not until I somehow make things right and make myself better for you"

me-"Im glad you want to improve yourself josh. I never ever felt like you should change or make yourself better, you really are much more amazing than you believe you are"

-"No, im nothing. Im not good enough now. I need to make myself better for you"

me-"If you dont mind me asking, how do you plan on doing that?"

-"Idk yet. Im just dirt."

me-"No you are not nothing and you are certainly not dirty please dont say/believe such horrible things about yourself, its not true"

-"Nope its true. I love you estee."

me-"Its false and i love you josh, when you said that it took me back to all the times when youve said it to me in person usually in between kisses which i always found kind of funny but most definitely so cute"

-"I miss your kisses"

me-"I miss your kisses very much too"

-"Just one would be very nice right now"

me-"I would even settle for a hug, just so i could feel what it was like to hold you & be in your arms again"

-"I wouldnt let go"

me-"I wouldnt want you to, ever"

-"Itd be like a nice 3 hour hug"

me-"knowing you and us, it would go from hugging to dancing in no time"

-"That made me smile"

me-"Im glad it did , it made me smile just thinking about it too" "Im sorry lauren keeps rolling over and sooner or later shes going to knock the imac, myself, my cellphone & ipod off of this bed so i better get to cuddling & go to sleep with her nightie night josh"

and then i get this text from him at 3:27am, "I miss just randomly dancing with you"

i wrote back, "I miss just randomly dancing with you very much also" and then this began..

-"Lmao uhm, random?? :p But yeah :/"

me-"Its not really all that random and why sad face? You know i dont like those"

-"Well like you said you were going to bed. Then like half hour later you reply to what I said before you said you were going to bed. And because i miss all the things we used to do, the dancing, the playing, the murdering eachother, the talking and cuddling, the kissing"

me-"I was in bed checking out new music, cuddling with lauren, i took my contacts out, put my retainer in, & lauren is breathing down the back of my neck right now and it tickles, my phone vibrated really loud from underneath my pillow and its from you so of course i am going to answer, & i really do miss you"

-"You JUST got that text? Lol. I sent it before you said you were going to bed. I miss rainy bumming it days with you"

me-"Yes i just got it! I was like oh i guess he didnt want to let me off so early(: but turns out that wasnt true & i miss watching movies & shnuggling so much"

-"We never got to finish the star wars series :((( Just knowing that youre willing to still talk to me and put up with me puts me in a better mood and cheers me up"

me-"I know that saddens me greatly, its on my list of things to do before i die #42. LMAO im not putting up with you im actually enjoying this because we arent fighting or breathing down eachothers necks right now, i want to talk to you i guess the fact that im not the first one starting the texts for once shows me that you do still care"

-""Im never gonna be the same now. Everything reminds me of you"

me-"But josh youve had many exs before im just another one to add to the collection :/"

-"Yeah. But they didnt mean as much to me. I was either too drunk or high to care or was sober and just didnt care. I had my whole life up there so it didnt phase me. Then I had to move down here and start completely over. I felt like I didnt fit in or even belonged here. Then I met you and fell hard for you. You made me feel like I actually mattered again and like I belonged here. You made me feel alive again Estee. I put my whole heart and soul and everything I had into you. Then it all got crushed. Now I have to pick up the pieces and try to figure out where to go from here"

me-"Im sure you can fit in again and im sure you can be so much happier than you ever were with me"

-"No. I dont know what to do."

i dont know or remember what i replied

-"Well youre done with me so I guess I have to"

me-":/ im sorry it sounds terrible 'done with me' its as if you were a tissue that i wiped my big jewish nose with and threw out but you have been so much more than me & i want to do whats right & what i think is better & i just im really happy all the battles have finally ended"

and then I told him I was going to bed

-"Im gonna go think. Im not gonna sleep tonight. Night"

And that was that.

This is a conversation that went down yesterday:

-4:06 A.M. "I dont feel whole without you. I need you *broken heart* So just fuck life."

-"Omgggg that was insane, i was just having a really bad dream about you just somehow i saw you were talking to this girl & then i was like really upset over it and i just wanted it to go away i guess i didnt want you to replace me :/ im feeling a bit fuck-life-ish, especially after that nightmare i left brandon home so ive been holding onto this pillow, as i would with brandon, and as i would with you"

-"Ive been feeling very fuck life-ish. Im over life now. Im not whole without you. I couldnt even finish my pt just now. Thats how much I need you. Everythings my fault. Im just a fuck up. I guess I just forgot how much I loved you and that I couldnt live, let alone breathe without you. I lost sight of it all and focused on myself becoming a Marine. I regret it more than anything. I pray for death now."

-"Josh! Please dont pray for something as terrible as that upon yourself!!! It was a pretty big knock to my face today when you had called yourself a douchebag & were sorry for being a dick to me and then id said you arent a douchebag & you flat out told me that you never intended on starting a conversation with me, i really do appreciate & miss all the times you would say such sweet things to me such s "i couldnt live, let alone without you" Josh you are allowed to focus on becoming a marine & i am sure you will make a wonderful poolee soon, maybe today just wasnt your pt day im sure you can do better and you most likely will & i hope you feel good about yourself when you do because i know its one of the things that actually makes you happy"

-"No. I cant focus without you. I gave up at 600 pushups and 5 miles and I just collapsed, you were my inspiration, my motivation. I thought maybe by becoming a Marine youd be proud of me. And im sorry about earlier. I didnt intend to be mean or anything. I just wanted to apologize but didnt wanna bother you with a convo. Ik I dont deserve your forgiveness, and I never will. Thats why im just gonna take everything out on my body. Because I love you

-"You know i love you too & i always will, forever & always, remember? Please dont take it out on yourself & your own body, you dont deserve to treat yourself that way. You deserve every single great thing there is in the world & especially everything there is thats 100x better than me. I have been proud of you before becoming a marine & i still am, ill always be proud in someone who pursues something, tries, maybe fails but doesnt give up, and still puts in the effort; i dont see how im much of an inspiration/motivation but you know il always be here for you & i want to be"

-":'( *broken heart*"

-"Please dont cry & be heartbroken ive already caused enough pain to you i was only hoping by pulling myself out of your life youd be happpier and free and from the looks of it two day ago you were feeling not stressed anymore, please dont be sad and heartbroken please stop crying it never makes me happy knowing you're sad. Im sorry but i have to go, its already 5 in the morning im sure this cellphone light must be bothering lauren sleep & i have no idea what time she is going to knee me in the back tomorrow waking me up so i should probably go to sleep now. Turn that frown upside down please, nightie night josh"

He makes it so hard for me to let go of him. I have deleted his number but of course I will know if he texts me. I just I know I'm done with him but when he says things like this I don't know if I could ever truly be done with him. I am staying strong however, I can assure you that. :)

2nd day of Single Flow

So today was the big day that I would meet him after track at the train station to get my ipod back. I really wouldn't ask for it back, I know how passionate he is about music and now he has to suffer in the silence. :/ Also he has been using it as a stopwatch and now he cant exactly do that anymore. This is what happened. During track I had been getting really nervous, anxious, and scared to see him again. I was kind of dreading seeing him. The first thing I said was hi. He didn't say anything to me. He handed me the ipod and thanked him for it. I wondered if he would say anything. He looked at me like I was a freakin cabbage like I was nobody to him, and that when I realized why should I care about someone like that? He could've said anything, instead he says, "I don't have anything left to say to you I gave you 3 or 4 chances to change." He could've said anything but instead he was blaming me again by saying I had all the chances and you know what I'm just done with it. I don't need to be blamed all the time and I definitely don't want to be put down any longer. I was like so I guess we will just go our separate ways and he said yea. And that was it, I said bye as I walked away. I decided to walk home from the train station, which the train station is walkable from my house but its as if I'm walking to Guam. I didn't mind though, I needed it to clear my head. As I walked home I deleted each and every picture of him and any picture that reminded me of him and I also deleted him as a contact in my phone. Btw this is after a cruise day at track, I was dead but I needed the walk. Lemme just tell you I feel free & it feels wonderful.

One of my close trackies told me this:

-"LOL, the fact that he thinks your the one that has to change just shows how stupid he is. All guys are exactly the same Estee, evan was the exact same way; he thought he was right and tried to make me feel like I was wrong in everything. Don't even worry about it, your right ! :) & good I'm so proud; you could do so much better anyways & you will :)"
-"Exactly, it's not worth it; after everything, they focus on the bad parts & not the good; so they don't deserve us, Josh does NOT deserve you & good! Have fun at your party, if you need absolutely anything I'm here; I understand exactly what your going through so I'm sure I can help if its needed :)"

Afterwards, to clear my head some more, as soon as I got home I took a quick shower and got ready for Nick's surprise birthday party. It was his sweet 16 & my bestfriend Kaitlyn gave me candy yesterday from her party so I decided to give them to him. It's better than me eating Swedish fish and pixie sticks that's for sure. The party was actually alright until he texted me. Then I started to feel bothered a bit. I just I thought we were over, I don't understand what else he wants from me? The thing is I deleted him from my phone, thank god I had texts saved from him or else I wouldn't even know who was texting me. :X I figured he was so done with me since he deleted my facebook that he deleted me off of his phone too. I guess not. I so completely obnoxious to him and I actually enjoyed acting this way. I felt like he was being so spiteful & I actually kind of wanted to play that game back, but knowing me I wouldn't do that. And I didn't. Later, I realized he put up a status and I believe it is about me. "Lol. I don't know why but I kind of miss you." One of my friends said he would come rushing back to me and I didn't have any faith in that at all. I guess maybe since he actually saw me today maybe that changed his opinions maybe a bit but I don't even know. All I know is we are over, I miss him, I kind of miss us, and I am letting go. Oh, and the fact that I am free.

Day 1 of Single Flow

Well day 1 of being single is over. I haven't spoken to him the whole day and it's already 4 in the morning of the next day I'm pretty sure he won't text me :/ I will see him however for a couple seconds after track to get my ipod back. I don't know how it will go down and that does make me nervous. To see him and to know we are just, we aren't going out anymore. I feel terrible. In my mind I had thought that it would be cute to end it the way we started it with a hug, like if I were to see him just be like "we started off with a hug, can I at least get one last hug goodbye?" My bestfriend said that would make it more difficult/harder on me and that I wouldn't want to let go. She's right I wouldn't want to let go. I do just want to be closer to him but I do have to let go. I would never want to leave his arms and this saddens me. If there is a place I'd rather be right now & at any given moment, it would be in his arms. Even if we didn't say a single word to each other to just know that he wanted to be with me and that at that given moment we were 'together' I'd just love that, I'd love that so much.

What really kept me from just bursting was all the support I received today. I always knew I had friends, but I didn't know so many people cared for me. A lot of my friends, some close bestfriends, some of my trackies took the time out to comfort me, see if I was alright, talk to me, listen, and give me their opinions back. It meant a whole lot to me. I really am so grateful for that & them.

This is my conversation between a friend & I:

-"Estee it was the right decision there is no reason to stay with him if he was always mean to u that would just make things terrible for u. And u know if I could be close to u I would hold u tight until every fiber of ur body was happy again."

me -"LMAO every fiber of my body that made me smile. I just I don't even know how it happened one minute I was just done and the next it really happened we were deciding when we would meet up that way he could just give me the ipod back, I wanted to give back his teddybear, tshirt, and cellphone charger but he wouldn't take them back; I already miss him so much & now that I don't think I can see him again ever I just don't know what to do, I can fight for him the next time I see him I can say I was wrong and for us to just be together again I want him to be happy"

-"Estee don't beg for him back. U weren't right for each other. Everything was a fight and what wasn't a fight he made difficult. The little amount of time u were happy didn't make up for the nights you were texting me about to or already crying"

-"Yeah you are right, thank you you are absolutely right!! We weren't perfect for each other, at least I was never perfect for him & I always wanted to be to be honest though most of my friends have all recently became single & I noticed how much I've just been done with everything I want to be single but I'm not gonna be mackin biddies, & I don't even want to have fun with anyone I'm gonna just take some deep breathes, live my life, try to be as happy as I can, just enjoy everything and try not to miss him so much. I don't want to forget him & things maybe could've been better but whats done is done"

A close friend told me, "I'm sure you guys could of worked something out and yeah, just relax and move on, trust me there's another million guys that you'll meet and you'll find the special one!" To be honest, finding the 'special one' and meeting another million guys, I don't even want any of that. I kind of feel like if I wasn't good enough for Josh how can I be for someone else?

One of my close trackies said this to me, "Aw Estee, you are going to make me cry. First of all, never say you weren't perfect enough for him, because you were too good for him. & maybe things will turn out for the better. You guys fought a lot and I get that you miss him but maybe after a little while you will see that things are better this way. I'm so so sorry boo, and I'm always here for you"

And another close friend told me this,"U have so much going for u no guy in the world should ever put you down" She told me a relationship I should be having is fun & reckless not fighting especially not as much as we have. I feel like she's right. To be honest, I feel like a relationship is only good if both parties make each other happy, they want to see the good in each other, and they appreciate each other. At least those are the things I'd love in a relationship.

My bestfriend today told me that if I didn't want to go to track to come over her house and that we could talk and whatnot. I told her I actually wanted to go to track and that it helps me clear my head. When I came to my bestfriend's party (it was her sweet 16, we just celebrated by eating, going in the pool, and just being retarts) it was actually a ball. I knew all the girls and I could talk freely with all of them. I felt like it was okay for me to laugh and be happy and my bestfriend told me I had been handling it well. I sure hope so. I am a happy, optimistic person and I do look at the brighter side of everything and just being with them and having some fun with the girls, it helped me a whole lot. I've been tyring to keep myself as busy as I can that way I think/miss him a lot less. I have been missing him and I just didn't even want to believe the fact that I am now single. I still don't like the fact that everything is just g o n e.

I just saw that he deleted me as a friend on facebook lol. He's so smart to leave his facebook not on private. These are all the statuses pertaining to me: "Never spit shit that you wont feel." and "I gave up everything, for nothing." and "

"Take me back to how it used to be."

"Somethings never change."

"I love you<3"

"I miss you<3"

"I am starting to not be able to stand you."

"You're unbearable."

"I love all the lies."

"I go swimming and cuddle with my girlfriend, so that makes me an asshole according to her family. Good shit."

"You're fake bro(;"

"Wet towels & dirty laundry are what Estee lives for."

"Ahhhh :) I got Estee into Asking Alexandria :D Lmao"

"So much for change."

"Haha, what was I thinking dating you? I must have been tripping bawls when I asked you out."

"Out to eat with babe<3"

"It's all my fault."

"Kids these days."

"You will always be two-faced."

"So how long did I expect love to outweigh ignorance?"

"Ones not enough for you."

"Fuck this."

""Tracks over. So I wonder if there's practice today."- Estee. Because this makes sense."

"Today blew."

"To think you could of changed."

"My patience is running low."

"Some people never change."

"So annoyed."

"Why do I even try?"

":) <3"

"Oh my fucking god."

"With Estee and her family bringing Papa Braginsky to the airport."

":) <3"

"Estee is so mean to me

"I just got ganged up on by Estees family. Not cool. :("

"Estee is a mean kid."

"Estee almost just died. Lmao"

"Here with Estee(:<3"

"I love you<3"

"Well, in that case I will just go fuck myself."

"I miss Estee ):"

"Spent all day with Estee<3 Now its weird laying here alone ):"

"Hm, yeah. Estee makes me soso happy(: <3"

"Estee<3"

"I love Estee(:"

"I miss Estee ): <3"

"One would think you'd get to talk to your girlfriend. But nope, I guess not."

"On my way to Chitt for break. I'm just gonna be thinking about Estee the whole time(:"

"Oh just texting Estee till I fall asleep (:"

"So happy :) eb <3"

"You were not worth my time, at all. I'm glad I wasted my time on you. But I'm glad you've officially been replaced."

"Oh my goodness :) <3"

"The look in your eyes makes me crazy."

"So tired. So worth it(:"

I just don't even have words for any of this anymore. :/

the end 7/27/11

So I think we are done :( It does sadden me to say this. Today, he texted me "Estee hates Josh." I couldn't save any of my texts back because I didn't have enough space in my phone but I'll try to fill it in as best as I can remember. And this is how it went down:

-"Joshie no think that. Baby is just thinking crazy things. Joshie wishes baby was here making him feel better"

-"'Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge' <- im not thinking crazy things."

-"You're mad at me and don't like me"

me-"LMAO you don't care anymore. It's whatever."

-"Why should I care about you? You give me every reason not to"

-"Doesn't help when everything gets kicked/spat back in my face. Maybe someday you'll care about someone else besides yourself"

-"Lol, you don't want me anyways." <- I don't see what's so funny.

-"My mom and Staff Sergeant Nepo have been up my ass non-stop for awhile and just stressing me out. Then I turn to you for comfort and stress relief but then I remember you've been different 24/7 for the last month or 2 so then I give up. And I told you I was."

-"I've been having a lot of bad thoughts lately and I can't think straight. Going to pt clears my head and I can actually think straight, I don't know why. Maybe that's whats been changing me"

-"You don't bother me. I'm only happy when I'm with you. And I can't even go to pt anymore for a little while."

-" I just wanna get sent out, that way I won't come back"

-"Well I'm not gonna bother you anymore. I'll leave you alone now. I'm sorry."

-"You're done with me so I'll just go." <- I'll never be done with him.

-"You said we're done so I'm just gonna go for a run or go to bed or something."

-"Keep it, it would smell like you and remind me of you so keep it"

-"Just keep it. I gave it all to you because I wanted you to have it. That way a piece of me is always with you. When do you want your ipod"

-"Yeah. I don't want it back. I would see it and think of you so I'd just get rid of it. And let me know."

-"It's yours. If you want it back, you can have it. Just tell me when and where and I'll be there to give it to you then be out of your life so you won't have to deal with me."

I feel terrible, I feel like the bad guy. I wish it didn't end this way. :( I feel like there's a huge air bubble in the back of my throat that won't leave and I actually want to cry. Lauren, my bestfriend has fallen asleep on me, as usual lol, but I am laying right beside her writing this post then I'll go to bed, so I won't cry. I just I actually don't want it to be over, maybe this is the most gigantic mistake I'll ever make. Or maybe it's right. I won't know yet for sure, but I hope it's right. I'm not ready for anything anymore. I don't want anything. To be honest, I'd love to just be in his arms right now. It wont happen though :( Ill see him when he gives me back my ipod but that's about it. I really will miss him. I had a great, amazing guy.

Btw he sent me 'Je deteste toi.' 2 days ago it means 'I hate you' that's when he was just joshin around, we were joking. I think he can say it now and actually mean it.

and it's back

Dickdickdick, guess who's back? The dick is back!! He is being such a sick jerkoff! LOL he won't miss me. He clearly just said so himself  "Mmm. I cant wait to be sent off and never come back(:" For once when I am honest with him, he picks more things to put me down. What he says to me does have an affect. He thinks it's "cute how hard you try to pull off the skater/punk look lmaooo." In all honestly, yes at times I really do like the way that kind of fashion looks on me. I like the way every skater/most hipsters and whatnot are so skinny & I feel like their clothes help them be that way. I like the way their clothes are so comfy and you can do practically anything in them. I find these clothes much better to wear around than a pretty hollister/american eagle/h&m/forever21 top but I wear those too. It's not that I'm trying hard but I do care about my outside appearance. I've looked much grosser than I do now and I just care how other people see me. He claims that most people don't care what other people think of them. But I do.

This is how some of it went down:

-"It's like your trying to turn heads. I mean ik your boy crazy and all, but really estee?"

just sayin, you're* trying and you're* boy crazy

me -"I am not doing this for boys, I dress the way I dress for myself. I don't curl my hair to school. I don't wear makeup. I bum it to school numerous times and especially on days when I have track meets, which is a whole lot! I like looking decent though, to school, wherever, it just makes me feel a little bit better in myself."

-"you are boy crazy. You can't even say you're not because everything you do contradicts that." I'm not sure what this 'everything I do' is but sure.

me -"okay" I was neither agreeing or disagreeing. I just didn't want to turn this into a fight, it clearly already started.

-"Live in your denial. See where that gets you" Lol what denial? 
me-"I wasn't agreeing or disagreeing, all I said was okay"

-"I just shake my head at you and laugh" Who says that to someone!? I just, why!??!

me -"thanks?" How stupid am I? I should'ave told him it bothered me that he would say something like that to me. It feels wonderful when someone you love/care about says something like that to you. NO, it doesn't it really doesn't! It feels terrible/ awful/ no good/ very bad. I hope no one ever has to hear or feel something like this ever in their life.

-"No problem :)" cough dick cough cough

me -"You are probably the last person I'd want laughing at me instead of with me. Either way I'm glad I amuse you" Like doesn't he see that I'm bothered, maybe just the slightest bit?

-"Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge"

me -"What do you mean?"

-"Just as it sounds"

me -"I'll stop talking to you then if it will keep you from getting closer to the edge I bet it will help" I just want him to be safe & happy, if me being out of his life does that than I'm glad. I mean I probably won't be happy about it but I'll be happy he is at least happy. That's all I ever wanted.

-"Lol, idc anymore. It's whatever."

So yea, he is back in my phone as "DON'T TEXT" and I'm not planning on texting him back anytime soon, maybe not ever. Hopefully soon though... ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh but it didn't end there:

-"Mmm. I cant wait to be sent off and never come back(:"

I just want him to be happy, I just I guess I'm not something that keeps him happy anymore. I know he doesn't need me, maybe he still loves me? Oh wait, he doesn't care anymore, it's whatever so obviously not. Just lovely.

I feel like now that he has gotten to know me, now that he has seen all my flaws, my mistakes and, everything bad in me, that that's all he sees in me. That that's all I am, just those horrible traits that I have. I mean I know I'm not perfect and that there's a very slim chance I could ever be perfect for someone but still am I any better than just those bad things? Probably not, but I wish I was.

Also before all this was, he had asked me what I thought about if he was gone and this is what I said: "No, because that would really make me upset to know I wouldn't have you anymore to know you were just gone, like who would teach me to make a grilled cheese? Or make fun of my music? Who'd I spend my Fridays with and always want to cuddle, kiss, dance, and hug? Who'd I text so much and always want to be with? All I'd be left with would be dreams of wanting and needing to be with you again :/ I wouldn't be satisfied until I could get the real thing, I just couldn't imagine my life without you especially after 5months 2weeks and 3days I just love you and nobody could replace you and I just want us always & forever"

DONE.

I think I'm done. I'm serious. Someone I love and care about the most has just told me, "go fuck yourself and die, scumbag." This makes me feel like I really shouldn't exist. Of course I would never take my life, I value life and happiness far too much. It just makes me feel terrible. My heart completely sank when he said that.

Today, July18th-19th, I just felt like he was acting weird, like evil. So, I was like I'm gonna see Harry Potter today. He was like "I can tell you're excited" and then he was like "you were making a big deal about it last time kind of acting like a little kid if they don't get what they want, haha." And then he said, "you gotta have what you want or you get upset." I'm pretty sure I said something along the lines of  'I wasn't upset'. After that, he said," that's how you were acting so I was like "leave it to me to date the 5 year old." And then I said, "the 5 year old is going to leave you alone now." That was at about 2:40. He is still in my phone as "DON'T TEXT" and I'm not planning on changing this anytime soon. He asked me what was wrong at 2:41 and I didn't answer. At 2:47, he said "lmao you're mad at me for how you were acting. peace then." That was 2:47 in the pm.

At 2:59am mind you, he texted me "Night." I didn't answer. Then at 3:09, he texts me "K.Whatever.Bye bitch." Why should I answer to this? I would've considered answering but he is just being so mean, there's no reason for me to. At 3:24, he texts me "K.Bye, bitch" once again he is calling me names. God, I would never say something like this to him, NEVER. I guess he is mad but I really I just want an apology for saying what he said for calling me a 5 year old before. I feel like he really doesn't appreciate me and that he doesn't appreciate talking to me :(

I've never gone too far without sending him anything but this time I was completely serious and I hadn't said a single word to him and this really got to him.

At 3:24am, I texted him "What? Goodnight josh, good luck tomorrow" as you can see I am still being nice, even when he is being this way to me. I also sarcastically texted him "Because calling me names is always lovely, thank you it means so much to me, it touches me dearly, your words strike me like a bullet" I know he will never realize just how much what he says to me affects me and I was being so stupidly sarcastic but I just don't even know anymore. He had texted me back at 3:27 "To be honest. I dont give a fuck. You really are a bitch. I want you to know that. I'm glad that it means a lot to you." Ok 1. I cannot stand cursing. 2. I can't stand name calling. 3. I can't stand that this has all been directed towards me! I feel like he is trying so hard to hurt me, the truth is, it's working. I had texted back in my non-confrontational way as always "How the hell am I.. I'm not even going to ask, I'm going to go back to bed, good night" I don't want to fight. I wanted him to think that I've been sleeping all this time and that I had only awoken to one of his last texts but I bet that didn't work. And then came the "Go fuck yourself and die, scumbag."

I just I'm done.

How can you go back to someone that has said that to you? And he believes it and means every single word of it. I just as of right now I don't see how it's possible. To be honest, I don't think I ever will. I don't think I know him anymore. I don't think I want to know him anymore. It's not like I don't want to spend every given moment with him, because I do, and I don't think that feeling is going to go away but I just feel like he deserves better. If he sees me as this 'scumbag' this 'bitch' this whatever it is bad, then what good am I to him? You know I feel like I try. I feel like I'm nice to him even when he is at his worse, even when he has said worse to me. And I just I kinda want to break free from this. This may possibly be my chance to. I want him to be happy but I don't see him being happy with me. I cherish all our happy times, I am constantly reminded and am thinking and reminiscing about them but the dark, the bad times, they come back. They haunt me. They spring back faster than the wing movement of a hummingbird, and if you've ever seen a hummingbird that's pretty damn fast. But you know what's faster than the springing back of the fighting of the battles? It's his words. They do hit me, they circle through my brain, they keep me up, and they knock me down.

I don't know what to do. Right now, I really just want to be far away from him. You know that if I never make a cautious effort I never have to see him? Most of my friends really don't like him and they have seen me, they have seen me when he says the things he says and how he affects me. They see that I appreciate him and that I feel he doesn't appreciate me back. I can never tell him anything like this though, I don't want to hurt him. I thought when you care about someone, when someone means something to you, all you want is for them to be happy, no matter what. At least that's what I've tried to do. I've failed numerous times, I've screwed up countless times.

Maybe that's life, but I'd like to live my life happily. Sometimes, I really think I was happier without him. I do, and that makes me really sad because I love him, I love how happy he makes me, and I love him in my life. I don't want this to be gone, but it's just been crumbling and I don't feel like I can pick it all up. I feel like we may possibly turn into ghosts, that if we ever see each other again we will just see right through each other.

No, I very much don't want it to be all gone. But what can I do, I can't care anymore than I do. Maybe I'll just kill myself from his life for a while. A while meaning however long it takes for him to forget me. I couldn't dare force myself to forget him, but he has done it before. He has had girlfriends before, he has been a big boy and gotten over each and every one of them. I'll just be another 'slut' or 'whore' or 'bitch' or 'scumbag' to his collection. I don't believe that I was ever perfect in his eyes. I don't care about perfection, I care about happiness. I care that we are both happy. Him more so than myself but whatever.

Hey, I guess it's all done with. I wish him good luck on his big test tomorrow. I hope he passes considering how much the marines means to him. I send him my kisses & warmth from deep in my heart, where he will always be a piece of me, and a great memory.

I'm surprised I'm not crying right now, I feel torn, I feel done with, not appreciated, and just useless but I'm not crying. I'd like to, I want to burst into tears, I have this aching feeling but I can't start crying. Of course I have to go on, I'll take my track team twice as seriously now. I'll appreciate all my friends more & appreciate every lovely, happy second with them. I enjoy my time at track and with my friends so much and will definitely continue enjoying it. Maybe I'm done, but I'm never over.

I am really liking the sound of the band, The Script right now. I guess they make me feel a bit better, they're a more depressing band, in my book, that is, considering I don't like to listen to depressing music at all.

I'd like to say that I'm going to fall asleep tonight not happy. But the suns going to rise as it usually does, the day will go on, it will fade into darkness and into the night eventually and I'm going to put along. I'm not going to tear myself, break myself down any longer. Maybe I can be strong, at least I'm going to attempt it.

I just wish he'd know I care about him, always.

I love him, forever & always.

And that he means something and he will never stop meaning something to me.

I don't expect us to be friends and right now I do feel like we are broken up although it is not 'facebook official' yet. I'll make it facebook official when I wake up this morning. Maybe he isn't the only one out there for me, although he has been the only one to ever pursue me, but I always hoped he'd always be there for me. He isn't here for me now, at least I know he doesn't want to be. He'd rather me be dead. That's not love, that's hate right there. I wish he didn't hate me. But I deserve it, I haven't been the best girlfriend and before he has told me that I have been one of his worst. He's been my first, I won't compare any other guy to him ever but I can say he has left his mark on me.

Goodbye Josh. Goodbye Joshie. Goodbye my big ole teddybear, my oldie, my rebel, my mushball, my babe, my silly palm tree.. and many many more, god there's so many. But goodbye.

You know what, he is a flat out dick sometimes. He really can be a sick jerk. There's no one I'd rather be with or talk to or anything besides him at any given moment but when I'm with friends or having fun or am being happy without him it's a whole other story. Many times I don't know what to say to him but I still want to talk to him. I don't care if it makes no sense or whatever as long as we are exchanging conversation, I honestly don't care what it is as long as I know he is happy on the other side. Sometimes I feel like me being happy doesn't matter at all to him. Do I want him to treat me better? I would never ask him to, so that is such a rhetorical question.

I like the way I can find comfort in music or even this (writing that is) when I am most upset, at least I can get it all down here. I wish he could see how he affects me, because he does so much. Did I ever mention that he is so ridiculous at times?

Today, July 16th to be exact, was one of my best friend's (and she is also one of my wonderful trackies) birthday (her birthday is really the 19th but she is lucky & is going to have the time of her life in Disney that day so today we celebrated her birthday). We took the x1 bus from the Eltingville Transit Center to 42nd street in the city and then walked to Madame Toussads Wax Museum. I had already been to a Madame Toussad's in Washington D.C., New Jersey, and Canada so this really wasn't anything new. I always think the wax sculptures will blink or come to life at any given second. Then, we had walked to Times Square which always amuses me. We went into M&M World, the Hershey store across the street from the M&M store, American Eagle, the 4-floored Forever 21 (now that was pure bliss). I always dreamed that someday people can pick from 3-5 stores to send them all their latest clothes & that they could pick and choose which ones they'd like to wear and then send the rest back. Right now if I had to pick 3 stores to send me all their clothes it would be American Eagle, Forever 21, and Hollister. I just love the clothes & quality in all these stores. I love New York City. I love the city. It really is one of the places I truly enjoy.

But anyways, on the bus ride to NYC, I tried talking to him. I had made the mistake of re-asking him what he was going to be doing today in hopes of maybe starting a conversation maybe it was too early or whatever but I could already tell he didn't want to talk to me and this already made me upset. Of course I had fun with Brianna, Lucia, Joe, Stef, Kim, and Briana but I knew that back in his Staten Island home my boyfriend wasn't happy and he was doing nothing in particular. He had told me "Good thing I already told you.", when I asked and I just knew I made a mistake then and there. As soon as he starts texting with periods I already know he isn't happy, plus he missed pt that morning so I'm sure he wasn't happy :/. I'm not sure what I wrote but then after that he had texted back "That's saying something right there." and I probably said something like I'm going to text you later or when I am on the bus on the way back or on my way home and I love you or something, I had wanted to talk to him but I just knew I was bothering him and I only want to make him happy no matter what so I just sent that. He sent me back "Please don't. I don't wanna talk to you. And idc. Bye." Well ouch :(

This is our conversation it has been about 2ish in the morning:

I sent him a picture of the lorax because I liked it & it reminded me of him and us.

-"Nice."

me -"I just saw it and missed you and talking to you but I'll go now"

-"you dont have to. Idc."

me -"I don't want to bother you"

-"you're not"

me -"oh okay I hope not I just wanted to talk to you all day, but after what you last wrote me I kept telling myself I shouldn't and to just leave you alone"

-"Idr what I even said."

me -"Please don't. I don't wanna talk to you. And idc. Bye."

-"Good shit :)" stupid smiley face, that's not something to be happy about, when he said that he actually hurt me, but okay I'm glad that made him smile I guess that's all I really wanted was for him to be happy

me -"Yea it sure felt great seeing that from someone I care about and love, I'm sure it would give you warm, fuzzy feelings inside if I ever said something like that to you"

-"Mmm, it would give me butterflies<3"

me -"Why are you being like this" honestly, all I wanted to do was call him a jerk or dick because I really felt like that was what he was being but knowing me I would never do something like that to him

-"Like what?"

me -"I don't even know forget I said anything, I'm going to bed early night josh" I did know, I knew exactly what he was being he was being such a jerk to me and I figured he would realize something was bothering me considering I never go to bed early (that's not me) and I never just say night josh I say nightie night josh<3 or nightie night joshie<3..

-"Good. Goodnight kid." <- way to not be a jerk?

After a while, I had texted him something because I saw one of his texts that I hadn't seen before and realized that he was going to upstate that same day! I had asked him if he had went and then this started:

me -"I'd never go to bed this early"

-"Oh so you lied again. You haven't went to bed. Leave it to Estee" <- the Leave it to Estee always amuses me, he has recently been using it in all our fights and it bothers me too

me -"Yea I know" that's me not showing how much it bothers me

-"There;s another lie for the books. That's what you do best. So by all means."

me -"No it's not what I do best but I just I didn't want to hear you being so mean to me anymore" that's pretty much the nice way to say 'I am about to cry, you have been a jerk'

-"Nope. That's what you do best. Who knows what other lies there are."

me -"My only other lie was that I had wanted to see Harry Potter but I didn't want to leave you or be anywhere without you." <- that's completely true btw

-"Idk if thats the only one."

me -"It is"

-"Doubt it"

me -"I'm not lying about anything else!" he's annoying me now

-"We'll see" ughhh

me -"I'm glad because I have nothing to hide"

-"They always catch up to you. So dont worry. We'll see"
me -"good thing I actually have been good, I have kept my word, I have not spoken to one of my best guy friends that has been there for me through a lot and I never will again, I have been completely faithful"

-"You said that before too"

me -"Okay I mean it now"

-"Said many things that eventually I saw were untrue."

me -"And I'm truthful & faithful now" I am and I have been!!!!

-"You just lied right there. Lol. " (that wasn't funny) "And it doesn't help that you're very sketchy. That one went right over your head."

me-"No I didn't I'm completely honest"

-"What did you expect from this relationship when we first started dating? Like did you just look at it as something fun or did you want it to be serious?"

me -"I had liked you as my bestfriend and I wanted to be with you and to be there for you as I hoped you would be for me I figured we could make each other happy considering how happy we were making each other as bestfriends. I did/do take it seriously, I've never treated this as a game. Yes I made a stupid mistake but I had never intended for it to hurt you. All in all no matter what I just want you to be happy."

-"Kind of seems like you take it like a joke sometimes"

me- "I don't take our relationship as a joke ever"

and the fighting continues..

and then it turned out he wasn't going to upstate..

and the fighting had stopped & the making up began..

and you know why I do this? It's because I love him. I cherish every single happy moment we have together. I guess I deal with it because I don't want to lose him. I just want him to be happy. I want to make him happier. Hes always saying how selfish I am and no matter what I'd rather sacrifice anything to make sure that he is happy and that we are together. I know when he really is happy he makes me happy. I hold onto every single bit of happiness we share.

I HATE FIGHTING

His words sting, they hurt me. I never meant to intentionally hurt him ever or call him names and I especially don't pick fights. It's ridiculous sometimes. And worst of all it makes the both of us so unhappy. I always thought if two people were perfect for each other they were just happy and that there's no reason to ever fight, that's complete bologna! I never let anyone speak to me the way he does but I just give in to him. I feel like I'm always making him unhappy. I know he doesn't trust me and I just suck and that he deserves to not be hurt by me. I never thought I'd say this but I feel like we are at "it's complicated." It's always a battle. I just want things to be better and by better I mean happier.

I am giving him his space. I have considered changing his name in my phone from "joshieeee<3" to "josh clark<3 don't text" but I didn't I just changed it to "josh clark" idk.

Conversation between one of my friends & I:

-"estee if he is just being a constant ass to u break up with him because it sounds like u are fighting more than anything"

me -"he isn't an ass to me and we really are fighting more than anything :/ I hate it"

-"so what can you do"

me -"hope for the better"

Conversation between my wittle track freshman & I:

-"do you feel you would be happier without him."

-"no ones ever asked me that, sometimes I feel like I could be. I don't want to think that or feel that way but I just I've never cried over a guy ever and I always cherish the good/happy times we had but like I just don't know we are always fighting and he does make me happy but I feel all I do is hurt/make him sad and that doesn't make me happy"

-"you love him too much to want to think about it, sometimes when you love someone so much you have to set them free and if the love was strong and really there you'll end up being together again. It's not fair to you that your upset when he's upset because then you're both upset because the other person is upset"

I feel like he may pick the fights but I am to blame for it all. I'm always the reason why we are fighting because of how horrible/ no good/ terrible I really am. I'm always doing something wrong. I wish I was perfect for him. He deserves to not be hurt by me. I know that I've made serious mistakes with him and that he is right. Neither of us need these battles.

One of my friends told me this:

"I know you don't wanna hurt him but you have to do what's best for you"

"you shouldn't be crying, you're too good for that, I hate when guys make girls cry but if you think space is good then that's up to you but I don't wanna ever hear you say you cried again you're amazing and shouldn't let him get to you like that"

"estee they DONT/CANT come better than you so don't say that and if he's saying that he obviously doesn't deserve you, god I feel like beating the shit outta him"

"see estee he's not good for you, he has you sad too much"

"estee, a lot of girls are boring that couldn't compare, you are funny, you know how to have fun, people would kill for a girl like you"

"hey see he has you thinking all bad about yourself"

"you're great and there is nothing wrong with you"

"estee what you just said about yourself kills me because it's not true at all and you would have never said something like that before. I want to kill him for making you sad and think that way about yourself"

"but you are perfect"

Yet Josh wins me over with this:

"No I wouldn't be better off without you. I need you. I really do love you. I always will. Me being stressed out doesn't help out with our battling, I'm sorry." "please don't go baby, I need you<3"

I would do anything for him & I care about him so much, I truly love him. <3

Oh Damn

I have neglected my blog once again, as usual. I pinky promise I am coming back though! I was sleeping over my bestfriend Lauren's house yesterday and I was reading one of my friend's personal blogs, at around 12:30-1 mind you, and I really liked reading it, I couldn't stop! I liked the way she wrote and I liked reading her feelings. I can say I miss writing on my blog. Letting all my feelings fly through my fingers onto the keyboard onto my computer screen and to fill up a blank page. I miss it a whole lot.

It is summer 2011 currently. Much has changed since July of last year I mean a total year has passed! I have gotten rid of the glasses and now I have contacts and am actually really really happy about that. Also, I have my first boyfriend which I shall tell you all about in another blog, tehe!

Track is still there for me, as always, the first official practice was today actually! It was only the 2nd day that I've been running outside and not on an elliptical and/or treadmill and it felt alright! It was a hot/humid day and our new captain really pushed the warm up but it's all good. I'm glad I'm with great girls again, I've actually missed them a lot! I know how close we all are and seeing them at track practice is always fun. Without track practices I really don't know what I would do! They really do take a priority in my mind, I love being a part of a team and I will never give up on it.

Next year I will be a junior in high school, and I love high school! These really have been the funnest years of my life thus far and I can actually say I like Tottenville, a lot.

So far, I also have really liked the way my summer has been. I got alright grades on the regents I mean of course I would've done better if I studied possibly a bit more than I had but I'm pleased with my grades. My momma isn't, as usual. She expects good grades from me always and is ecstatic after hearing about my sister barely passing her algebra regent. So that's always cool, I guess.

I have kept myself very busy this summer, I have already attended the beach once and I am going again tomorrow, to Long Branch in Jersey. I like going to the beach with friends. I am not the most confident in a bikini but I like being out with friends and I can always hide in the water, which I usually do. I still love swimming and I always get a nice tan, plus the jew fro comes out x 10 but I like beachy hair and I love the smell after going to the beach. I love that sandy feeling and the feeling you get when you are all washed off. After the beach I am going to track practice so my day's pretty busy and then after track practice I will be with my long lost best friends that live in my development, Steph and Yana. I sure have missed being with them, we are the three best friends that anyone could have and I just cannot believe we have neglected to see each other as much as we have and have gone our separate ways like we did. :/ I can't wait to just talk with them and to be with them once again :) They'll always be there for me and I'm glad, I'm glad they hadn't forgotten about me and I sure as hell could never forget them!