What if I am leading him on? All this time I am with (or at least this 'label' is with him) what if he is missing out on his chance to find a perfect girl? I just feel as if this relationship however long its been (12 days) is no good. Yet he claims to be so happy that I made the decision to go out with him. And well I kind of am. It's just I feel like there's a few problems.

First off, we hardly text or see each other. He calls me a lot but I really don't have time for a phone conversation.. ever. When it comes to texting it might just be me but I feel like he never texts me back :/ He will text me hours later and it just doesn't seem as if he cares. I feel like he's half there for me like that he isn't there for me when I need someone. I figured the point of a boyfriend was they wanted to be there for you, always. But I guess not.

Second, we are complete opposites or at least have many different views on things. We listen to different kinds of music and just think differently. We are both dedicated to our sport but still I feel like I hardly know him. Actually I can say that I hardly know him & I'm sure I must come off as a sick mystery to this kid. I guess I haven't given us time to open up to each other but I just feel like it will never happen, or once he knows the true me it will just break off or something.

I mean he seems happy with whatever we have so far so why not continue? I'd rather sacrifice myself for someone else's happiness because I just feel like that's the right thing. I've also done that before with Josh and although it would bother others, I've learned to tolerate it. I mean why not, if the whole point of a relationship is to make the other person happier and you have the chance to I just don't see why not. It doesn't take a whole lot to make me happy anyways. I tend to find simple pleasures in anything & I can suck happiness out of any situation. Like I am happy that I can call him my boyfriend but then again I'm also not that happy about it. I feel like I may be wasting his time as well as my own. I really don't think we are perfect for each other.

To be honest I feel like it may just be a label the whole 'boyfriend/girlfriend' thing. I can't even say that Paul and I were bestfriends before we even entered a relationship.


I may not have ever fully gotten over Josh. He keeps on reoccurring in my mind, just everywhere. I can't help but think how different things would be with him. I keep imagining us still together and keep wondering if my decision was ever really right. It's not that I would start talking to him or anything but I was a different kind of happy with him. At times I really want to, at times all I want to do is talk to him or hug him and be in his arms again. I actually notice now many of the things I took for granted then. I took for granted how much he texted me and how he meant every word he ever said to me and how much care he ever had for me. He looked at me a lot differently than anyone else. He truly was passionate about me. We were the best of friends. We were lovers. We had eachother. And it's all lost now.

I know exactly where it went wrong & so does he. And there was this point a while ago when we really could've been friends again. The thing is I was completely stubborn & stayed strong against him. I realized he would spread things about me and that I couldn't trust him. I also saw just how much I broke him. But he also broke me. One of the hardest things I ever did was fight back with him and then the toughest thing I ever did was say I'm done and break things off with him.

I miss the relationship I had with him. It definitely wasn't perfect but it was completely different than what I have now with Paul. I know I shouldn't compare them but I just feel like with Paul it doesn't make sense to me. With Josh I guess I was so much more comforteable.

One of the greatest things, I guess one of my favorite things, about Josh was just how great he thought about me. He would tell me just how 'beautiful' I was. He would always want to see and be with me. I tell you he must've looked at me as if I was Aphrodite or some other Greek goddess. It made me feel so good. I don't feel that way towards myself & the fact that he saw some sort of perfect person in me, that meant something to me. He would always tell me I was perfect & then when I would disagree he always said that I was perfect for him. I remember he would always keep a picture of me as his background on his phone. I would tell him I'm not beautiful and he would hate me for that. Paul thinks I'm cute. I don't expect him to think better of me than that. I'm not cute, I'm not beautiful but still.

All I talk to Paul about is our sports, food, and schoolwork, yea.. that's basically it. I mean he before we went out wanted to know more about me but that's stopped. To be honest, our conversations kind of bore me. But of course I don't give up & I always try to make everything better. I don't let it be shown that any of this is bothering me. Our conversations maybe to Paul are fine and so I'll keep them going.


And then I have an even bigger problem- Jake. He is my bestest bestfriend that's a boy. I can honestly say he has been there for me always & he most likely is the closest guy to me ever. He sure sees something great in me. Lately, we've been talking as we usually do but he calls me a lot, and we said our 'love yous.' Don't worry, it wasn't an 'i love you.' We have never met (considering he lives in Michigan) so of course we cant truly love each other but we confessed whatever love we do have for each other. I feel like I get closer to him everyday and once I meet him I'll fall for him instantly. Like he's perfect but then again he's not but to me he is but its just ughhhhh.


I'm just in this whole jumble and of course I don't know exactly what I'm doing.

I wish my birthday wish came true and that everything between Josh & I worked out and we never had the problems we did.

I wish Jake lived closer or I at least lived closer to him.

I don't even know about Paul.

Gosh there must be something wrong with me. So today after volunteering which was quite fun & interesting, I went to paul's house for the 1st time. We walked from fiesta to his house and the whole time we just told stories and laughed. I love this and then he showed me his room. We then watched drive angry and it was all good. We were creeping on facebook and stuff & we were just hysterical ! Then 2 of his friends came over and they hookah'd and I was just there but I didn't mind. I had to leave at like 9:30 because my momma was on her way home from the mall and decided that she didn't want to drive again just to pick me up. Before I left we kissed and then for the last goodbye hug he whispered something into my ear which I didn't understand until the 3rd time he whispered it to me. lol he wanted to know if i'd like to go out with him & it just surprised me so much. I've been telling myself that when he asks me out I will flat out say no. but I couldn't, I said, "yes." As soon as I left I texted him "are you sure we aren't rushing into things?"

Of course I would've felt bad saying no. Also I do want to go out with him. I know that I may not be ready for another relationship but I'm actually so happy someones placing their interest, time, and care in me. It means soso much to me. I would never expect someone like him ever to go for me. I just cant believe how lucky I am. He tries. I guess I haven't seen that in a very long time. In school whenever he passes my desk he makes sure to hug me or like touch my hair or cheek or just something and he doesn't seem to care who is watching.

Paul knew I was having second thoughts because he called me. He wanted to know what was bothering me about whether or not I would like to go out or not. I was actually surprised he like noticed. He promises me that we'd always be friends. I want to give him the chance. More than anything I want to be with someone that truly likes me for me and in a relationship where we are both comfortable with eachother.

It kind of bothers me that I actually know quite a few people that he's either hooked up with or went out with. I'd say I'm afraid he is leading me on like the rest but I don't even think he wants to do that. It legitimately seems that he cares about me. The things he likes about me are that I'm smart and make him happy.

On the phone I wanted to cry to some of the things he was telling me. I feel like I should hold myself back from him. He told me that there's no one he'd rather be with. Even over the phone I felt so much better and I wanted to say yes more than anything.

However, I feel like I may be the one to lead him on and hurt him. He says he isn't one to push things on anyone because he knows he really doesn't like that and is giving me the night to think about whether I'd like for us to go out or stay friends. I just don't know. I mean I couldn't quite picture us together as a couple :/ I guess its also kind of hard picturing myself in another relationship after josh. Like it scares me, I feel as if paul deserves someone so much better than me. I feel like because I'm having second thoughts then maybe it's not the right time for a relationship. But then again I want to be with paul. I want to be in a relationship and I actually am really happy with paul. I feel like I might be telling myself this to make me say yes. I know that would make him so happy! I just know that he would be ecstatic and he would try so hard and he would be a genuinely perfect boyf. I think about what all my friends would say/think.

This decision though is my own and I'm having such a hard time making it. Paul called me a second time telling me that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he wants me to make the choice that's good for me and what I want. He also told me that he really likes me. I do like him. He's actually great!

What I want?

I want someone there for me, someone I can be myself around, someone who will hold me and who i can just kiss and hug and just be so comfortable with. I don't understand why I cant exactly see this with paul though. I don't want to make a stupid decision. I don't want to lose paul as a friend. I want to give him a chance and be happy with him.

I sure got quite a bit to think about.. I wish it were easier..

Btw I ended up saying yes and I have started *going out* with him. 12/18/11 C:

quickie update.

Well there's quite a bit to go over. I've just had a few more realizations.

1st off: Maybe I’ve just never wanted to believe it but people these days are so selfish.

I may have just been completely oblivious or maybe I just hoped people were better than that but more & more I feel like people only care about themselves and only truly do things for their benefit. Being around my closest of friends has made me realize this. Who we choose to hang out with, what we do, how we act, just everything we do is for the benefit of ourselves. I guess no one wants to think about or put effort in another person unless they know they are getting something back and I just don't see how that's a great thing. People just don't care anymore & I hate it. I know that the whole purpose of living your life is to live it to the fullest but I just feel like more & more people are losing sight of what/who is really important and only taking care of what's good for them at that moment. I just think people use eachother all the time and that really no one deserves that. I just think that people should be allowed into your life because you want them there not just because they can benefit you somehow.

On Thurs I had such a great day. Weds night I went to bed at 9 and I got a full 8 hours of sleep. My eyes were open for once when my alarms went off ! It just astonished me & I wore my peacoat to school for the 1st time since it has gotten colder and I found $20 in my pocket. So, I'm pretty much rich ! :D During class I was wide awake and I just had a great day, it felt like a Friday. After school, I didn't have track because that was the night of the track dinner & I wasn't going to the track dinner. I spent the $50 my momma gave me for the track dinner, on my momma's pwesent :3 I got her a LOFT gift card, I know it's one of her favorite stores so I'm sure she will like it(: I also got myself a vanilla bean frappuccino from Starbucks but that wasn't the greatest idea considering I almost froze at the bus stop waiting for the bus to go home. I chose the cold beverage instead of a lovely, warm one because it was a whole 50 calories less but I really should've just taken the warm white chocolate mocha cappuccino.

Anyways on Friday, I went straight from school to my bestfriend Lauren's casa. Then from Lauren's home, Capri (my other bestfriend), Lauren, and I went to the SI Mall. We went into the new Forever 21 that opened and it was just wonderful & I got myself a new shirt that I wore that night to a party. Oh yea so the party, well it was the 1st time I ever drank and by drinking of course I mean, beer. It was also the first time I ever played flip cup & beer pong. Lol I'm actually kinda good at flip cup too and like I never drank beer before but I just like I was okay. I learned that I'm not a lightweight. I was NOT drunk and although I was having fun I wouldn't be dumb or put my life or others lives in danger. As the party went on we all had to leave because supposedly the neighbor called the cops because this one kid was smart enough to throw a beer bottle into the neighbor's yard -__- I just smh. So we started walking/running and we at first were walking to another party and then as we were walking a lot of my friends really had to pee so we went to one of my friends houses and they peed. On the way there many of my friends hooked up with each other or at least contemplated it. I enjoyed my night even though I didn't hook up with anyone. There really wasn't anyone there for me, I can tell you that.

eheh I'm going to go to bed, its already 3:21am and I just gotta get to bed. This is pretty much the gist of it. If I left anything out I shall most definitely make sure to update a lot more sooner or later !

btw Kelly Rowland's song Commander is quite uplifting ;3

Tonight was such an interesting night. I can still smell him on my shirt. Well for one thing the person I went out with tonight, I would never expect for him to want to hang out with me.. ever. And this still baffles me.

I arrived at the movies early because my dad didn't want to miss his news (which start at 7:00 and the movie we went to see starts at 7:05). I bought my ticket and awkwardly waited for a bit. Thank god for instagram and texting friends, I'm glad I have my iphone with me when I have to wait by myself. I saw the movie the night before and I didn't mind it so I didn't mind seeing it again. My bestfriend and her friend just happened to be going to the movies at around the same time, not like they were intentionally creepin or anything like that lol. I wore a new shirt and jeans from pac sun and although it was 63 degrees it was a bit chilly for what I wore and I probably should've brought a cardigan with me. Well anyways back to the movies, well he arrived and was trying to hide the fact that he was wearing glasses because he felt like a nerd in his new frames. lol, they didn't look bad at all! He's one of the few people that can actually pull off glasses. I know I sure can't and that's why I stick to contacts. Well he bought his ticket and he told me he would've bought my ticket.. I didn't expect that at all. My momma's the only one that buys me movie tickets.

We watched the entire movie. During the movie, within like 20mins he put his arm around me and he would casually rub my arm/elbow and then he would like do the same to my hip. I'm pretty self conscious of this area but I didn't mind so much. It just tickled a bit hehe. I admire the fact that even when he got texts, he ignored them during the movie. As we were leaving the movie i the kid that depruded me and a group of his friends were just casually there and I walked (more like hid) passed them with my guy companion behind me. :X My bestfriend's ex said hi to me and I think he even tried to hug me but all I did was say hi as we were walk away. We went to yogurtcity, I was really surprised he's never been there! I go there all the time. He bought mine for me and I just didn't expect it at all. He really didn't have to and I told him that he didn't have to but he did and I reallyreally appreciate that. It was the first time I ever got treated like that and I couldn't believe it. After that, we went to CVS and made fun of each aisle and I found it funny. My dad let me drive home from the movies and I really like driving. We hugged at the end of the night just as we do in school.

He has a surprise for me on Monday, we shall see how this goes.. C:

*currently listening to 'fool in love' by rihanna, & raping the repeat button*

I sure do have a lot to think about. I've just recently realized that we all have so many problems in our lives and that we all have to get through them; we spend a great deal of our lives pushing through moments and problems and putting along.

I needed to creep. I needed to see what he was up to. What other girl wrote on his wall. Who else he was trying to get with or talk to. I needed to hear his voice and so I watched a video of him telling me he loved me from a reallyreally long time ago. It must've been a long time ago considering he has no feelings for me anymore and I've told myself not to have anymore feelings towards him. But I do miss him and I can't help but want to see what he is up to or what he is doing. I'm constantly falling into fits where I wonder or think about him. The last time we spoke I told him that I regretted everything I've ever done with him, but I can honestly say that I'm glad he left his mark on me and that I've experienced quite some happiness with him. I am grateful to all the times we had.

This is insanity. Just as I was writing this and talking to paul (oh this new boy ;) tehe) josh decides to request me as a friend on facebook. Mind you he deleted me elohel. He just confuses me so much. There's something telling me not to add him for my own good. But I want to add him. Against my better judgement, I did. I just couldn't help it.

This Sat (tomorrow is Thurs & Turkey Day) I'm going to the movies with paul. I know he is playing me. I know hes gotten with many girls before me. I know I can possibly be just another statistic in his life. I don't want anything to happen but then again I do kinda want something to happen, I just idk. One of my friends told me today to stop walking with him after ass, to stop hugging him, and to stop pretty much everything and not go on saturday, for my own good. I'm just like no. The reason why I wanna go is because I haven't had someone interested in me in a long time and I don't see us ever having a relationship. To be honest, I don't understand why he even talks to me as much as he does and wants to get to know me. I just would never expect for him to go for me. I take in every moment of it because I know it won't last. But then my friends goes to tell me, "he's actually interested in you tho like he said personality is worth more than anything else so idk have fun lol" (i have no idea how he knew this, but paul did tell me a lot of times that the reason he enjoys talking to me is because of my personality) my friend called him a whore and strongly advised me against being with him Saturday saying there's better guys out there for me and that having fun without liking someone is whorish. and then he goes on to say that he doesn't want me to get heartbroken. I won't let it get to that point though.

I understand that all the talking, just all the caring and attention paul gives me isn't going to last.

It's probably insane to hear that I want for someone to basically play me. I can hardly believe it myself. It's been August since I've last hooked up with someone. I've felt like its been forever since someone had any type of interest in me. I've been feeling grosser and grosser as the seconds go by and just seeing him talk to me first, ask me questions, want to get to know me, it means something to me.

These are from the lyrics of the same song I'm replaying over & over & over again:

"I know he’s not perfect in your eyes, But somehow he’s flawless in mine" - that's josh, well at least in my eyes.

"And you may tell me to run, run now, But I can’t do that, We’re too far down the hole, He’s got a hold on my soul"- this is also josh this was my reasoning for staying with him as long as I did this is before I was done.

"So I guess I’m a fool, I’m a fool in love, But I’m willing to stay here, And bask in the glory of his heart, I guess I’m a fool in love, But I’m willing to look so stupid, Till I’ve had enough" - josh

"You’ll see a monster, I see a smile, You say it’s danger, And I’m in denial, But somehow I feel so safe right now" - paul

I can still decide whether or not to go on Saturday. But I also have time to enjoy my Thanksgiving and see how things go. I also received terrible news about my boot. I was extremely excited to go to the doctors today, expecting to never have to wear my boot again. Only to hear that my doctor recommends me to wear the boot for another 2-3 weeks to play it safe ! It leads into a joint and that's why he doesn't want to stress it. I just have had enough of the boot and want everything to go back to the way it was. I want to start running so bad! I can't take this. After a week I am most likely not going to wear the boot and then a week after that I'm going to start going on the elliptical. I really want to get back.

Keep putting along. Don't stop, never give up, and we won't stop giving all we got. I just gotta keep pushing through this.

It will all be okay.

so yes it has been a while. I'm as single as a dollar bill. It's not exactly something I am proud of but I am not putting this title down in any way. I was single when I was born, I've been single for at least 15 years of my life before I had met someone. I can be single until someone better, someone worthwhile, someone that makes me happy, someone I need, someone I'll love forever & always comes by. I mean that's what I really need. Junior year is a toughie, there's all this pressure ! I can say that I don't hate it though.

I do however hate that I broke my toe, going up the stairs of Tottenville High School. Lol, only me. :( My junior year cross country running is pretty much over with. I find out November 30th if I get to get rid of the boot and if I get to start running again and god knows how many races I'll miss by then :/ It actually saddens me considering this is my favorite season! I just want to be back. I love running, I don't feel as bad about eating since I run/workout. I can't do that with a broken toe -______- I can't even zumba and I was starting to really like love zumba.

On Mondays from 8-9 i have been going with Lauren & Amanda to bubble's playhouse. They have a black light and it's sick! It is really called Zumba Fitness so it's pretty much a workout where you get to dance your butt off. Anyone can go and no one will judge you no matter how unrythmed you are. I have realized that most girls just care about themselves and don't bother what you are doing. Considering how much rythmn I have this is wonderful. There's this one woman in the front row who dances amazing, the way she moves her body and how skinny she is, I am always so completely jealous of her! There is also this bigger woman in front of me usually and she sure can dance, even though she is greater than most girls she moves as if she is 40lbs lighter and she's great! I mean I am definetly not the best dancer, I actually suck, but I am actually comfortable to dance or at least try to, and it's one of the things I like. I like the songs, the way our bodies move, the fact that it is a great workout, and well it does make me feel sexy. It doesn't help that no matter how terrible I am dancing I have the biggest smile on my face the entire hour. I just love it.

Anyways, I lost weight in the summer! :D I went from 126 to 121 and I weighed 121 as a freshman, my first year of Tottenville. I was absolutely ecstatic but with this boot and the beginning of Cctober and more of junior year and a whole lot of food later, I have went up to 123. This saddens me, especially considering the fact that I can't workout or anything anymore with this boot :/ I told the doctor I am on a track team & he told me not now I am not; there's just no way I am giving up and I will get back asap ! I am allowed on the stationary bike and that's what I can do for now and i've been doing core too. I guess if I really wanted to I could also try to workout my arms and/or do more pilates as long as it doesn't involve me bending my toe (which I am not allowed to do).

& my ex, my example of how much fun I could have, how happyI could be with someone, how someone could make me feel, and how believing in each other changes everything. Well supposedly he is getting with some fat, short, ugly girl. I haven't exactly seen her so I can't really say anything but still I am sure he could do so much better or at least deserves it. I don't understand why he needs to find happiness in someone else when people can be happy on their own. It is really hard but I just feel like he is searching so hard to find someone else, maybe even someone to replace me, when he can be improving himself and making himself happier just on his own. I really do miss being in a relationship but I know better than to search for it when I know I am not exactly the happiest and best right now.

I am having my sick insecurities this year about my weight, track, my grades, college, what I want to be and do with my life.

ohmygoodness I have a class called medical laboratory & assisting but on my program card it says med lab and ass so obviously that is what I am going to refer to it as, tehe!, well the other day my ass teacher ranted about how those who don't know what they want to be/do don't have goals and don't have a reason to be going to school. Personally I like love school, I also have no idea what I want to do with my life. I can't exactly picture my life 10, 15, 20 years from now. I would like to have time to workout, to raise a family, own a dog, work in new york city.I would love to go to college in the city, that's always been one of my aspirations. But I still don't know what I want to be. This scares me. I want to do something that can impact others. My parents keep pushing me into the medical field because they know it pays, I just don't know if that's me. I don't mind blood, I hate ass class besides when we watch House.. I really like that show actually, and I would like to have the freedom to pick out what I'd like to wear and scrubs are definitely not what I'd like to wear. I would like to be interested in my work, to possibly have an office, I actually like projects and I work hard. I like computers and I consider myself pretty tech savy. I'd love to work on movies. I go to the movies every Friday night with my momma and I would love to work possibly on animations or something, well anything!

I have quite a lot to think about and it is 2:43am and there is snow/slush on the ground and it's October.. I guess we can consider this insanity.. possibly? I don't even know anymore. Halloween is the day after well today and I am going all out, I am collecting all this candy & I am Jewish so this free candy is like gold! After Halloween however I am going on a strict diet, no ifs, ands, or butts I will !

Well it is time for me to get to bed. Nightie night to those late night nocturnal beasts, good morning to the early risers, and good day to those moving forward! :)

"I ain't got no time for no relationshit"

Oh my god, why do I keep thinking about him? I tell you I cannot stop thinking about him. Like today, on my run I couldn't stop thinking about him. When I was in tottenville the other night with friends I kept imagining I would see him. I had even passed his block driving to my friend's house. I was thinking about him on the drive to the movies, during the movie, and on the drive back from the movie. I kept thinking about how it was Friday and how it was our day to go to the movies. I had even gotten the crazy idea that I might see him there. When the regal theatres roller coaster thing went on I was thinking about how retarted we were during it. I saw a girl lift up her arms like I did. I remember him holding onto me for dear life. I miss kisses so much. To be honest, I miss his kisses the most. I miss the way I would kiss his neck and how he would kiss the top of my head. I miss him. It's not the same.

I keep thinking about seeing him at school. I cannot believe I even imagined this but I had imagined that he would just grab me and kiss me and how confused he would make me but how I would kinda like for that to happen. That is so bad to think! I know it is!

I need to, I must, stop thinking about him.

I need to get over him.

I guess the lonely bugs kicking in.

I don't know how I could ever believe I wouldn't feel lonely without him.

But hey, I'd rather us both be happy.

On August 2nd at 8:45pm he texts me, "Well. Youre done with me and most likely found someone else. So ill delete your number and just try to forget about you. I love you. Goodbye." That's really been the end. I believe he has kept his words & we haven't spoken since. I mean yes I miss him but with him texting me it made me miss him so much more & made me want to go back to him. It made it harder for me to stay strong. Knowing that he really is out of my life kinda makes me a bit happier. If I didn't make a cautious effort when we were going out to see him then I wouldn't so I'm not worrying about seeing him, I mean besides school. I feel like in school it might get a bit awky but we shall see. For some reason I feel like darting away at the sight of him but I can't let him hold me back from anything and that means no matter what I'm not stopping/ giving up on anything just because of him. I'd hope he would do the same. I just deleted whatever music I had for him on my itunes.

I guess that is all.

And so he decides to text me at 12:25am this -> "I gave up on pt and everything else."

And more:

-"I dont feel like trying anymore."

-"I dont feel like bothering. I have no motivation or inspiration left."

-"I dont know. I like it. It clears my head and makes me stronger and what not. But trashing/fucking up my body doesnt appeal to me that much anymore if I have nobody to do it for. Ive gone completely overboard with it anyways."

-"Eh. I just dont care anymore. Im sorry for even bothering you with this." -

-"Idek what im doing anymore."

-"My fault. I shouldnt of even bothered you with this. I just missed you so much so I couldnt help it. Ill just leave you alone"

me-"Just please be safe and happy thats all i ever wanted and cared about from you josh"

-"I cant be happy without you. So ill just be safe."

me-"I know something that makes you a gazillionbilliontrillionjsakfehshwillion times better than i ever tried to and thats going back upstate, do you think youll go back anytime before school starts?"

-"Nope. Kissing and holding you made me even happier than going back home. And yeah, I have to."

me-"I was just another fight waiting to happen josh and im sure you will enjoy every hopefully stress-free minute spent there, now your friends wont have to yell at you for breaking up with me you can tell them youre all done with me you can even tell them youve broken up with me if youd like"

-"i dont want to be done with you"

me-"I didnt want to ever be done with you, but theres one thing i realize i hate the most & thats fighting & thats the most gigantic thing we would ever do together i never look at the bad side of anything i always hold onto everything good but i just feel like i was never something good for you and that you really have a chance to be happy now"

-"I know I fucked up and im sorry. I really am. I always took out my stress and anger on you because you were always there, that wasnt right of me. Im a terrible person."

me-"Its alright josh, you arent a terrible person"

-"How am I not?"

me-"Because no matter what you do or say i dont see you as that."

-"Thats how I see myself. Ill never be able to make things right and make myself better for you"

me-"I just figured that when you loved someone youd accept them, the good, the bad, everything i always saw & see the good in you because thats what i want to see in you but i just ive felt like i couldnt anymore & ive just been so done"

-"Oh. Youre done with me.."

me-"Im sorry i've just been trying very hard to let go of you"

-"I thought you just wanted time and some space. I didnt know you were just done with me. Well uh, I guess I better go then"

me-"I just im so scared that if im in another relationship ill screw it all up, i wont be good enough, and ill cause more fights & just make everything worse for myself"

-"I see. Well uh its good that youre thinking about being in another relationship already."

me-"Im sorry i contemplated going back out with you"

-"Idk what that means."

me-"Ill rephrase im sorry i thought about being in a relationship with you again"

-"I always think about it. But I cant, I just cant. Not until I somehow make things right and make myself better for you"

me-"Im glad you want to improve yourself josh. I never ever felt like you should change or make yourself better, you really are much more amazing than you believe you are"

-"No, im nothing. Im not good enough now. I need to make myself better for you"

me-"If you dont mind me asking, how do you plan on doing that?"

-"Idk yet. Im just dirt."

me-"No you are not nothing and you are certainly not dirty please dont say/believe such horrible things about yourself, its not true"

-"Nope its true. I love you estee."

me-"Its false and i love you josh, when you said that it took me back to all the times when youve said it to me in person usually in between kisses which i always found kind of funny but most definitely so cute"

-"I miss your kisses"

me-"I miss your kisses very much too"

-"Just one would be very nice right now"

me-"I would even settle for a hug, just so i could feel what it was like to hold you & be in your arms again"

-"I wouldnt let go"

me-"I wouldnt want you to, ever"

-"Itd be like a nice 3 hour hug"

me-"knowing you and us, it would go from hugging to dancing in no time"

-"That made me smile"

me-"Im glad it did , it made me smile just thinking about it too" "Im sorry lauren keeps rolling over and sooner or later shes going to knock the imac, myself, my cellphone & ipod off of this bed so i better get to cuddling & go to sleep with her nightie night josh"

and then i get this text from him at 3:27am, "I miss just randomly dancing with you"

i wrote back, "I miss just randomly dancing with you very much also" and then this began..

-"Lmao uhm, random?? :p But yeah :/"

me-"Its not really all that random and why sad face? You know i dont like those"

-"Well like you said you were going to bed. Then like half hour later you reply to what I said before you said you were going to bed. And because i miss all the things we used to do, the dancing, the playing, the murdering eachother, the talking and cuddling, the kissing"

me-"I was in bed checking out new music, cuddling with lauren, i took my contacts out, put my retainer in, & lauren is breathing down the back of my neck right now and it tickles, my phone vibrated really loud from underneath my pillow and its from you so of course i am going to answer, & i really do miss you"

-"You JUST got that text? Lol. I sent it before you said you were going to bed. I miss rainy bumming it days with you"

me-"Yes i just got it! I was like oh i guess he didnt want to let me off so early(: but turns out that wasnt true & i miss watching movies & shnuggling so much"

-"We never got to finish the star wars series :((( Just knowing that youre willing to still talk to me and put up with me puts me in a better mood and cheers me up"

me-"I know that saddens me greatly, its on my list of things to do before i die #42. LMAO im not putting up with you im actually enjoying this because we arent fighting or breathing down eachothers necks right now, i want to talk to you i guess the fact that im not the first one starting the texts for once shows me that you do still care"

-""Im never gonna be the same now. Everything reminds me of you"

me-"But josh youve had many exs before im just another one to add to the collection :/"

-"Yeah. But they didnt mean as much to me. I was either too drunk or high to care or was sober and just didnt care. I had my whole life up there so it didnt phase me. Then I had to move down here and start completely over. I felt like I didnt fit in or even belonged here. Then I met you and fell hard for you. You made me feel like I actually mattered again and like I belonged here. You made me feel alive again Estee. I put my whole heart and soul and everything I had into you. Then it all got crushed. Now I have to pick up the pieces and try to figure out where to go from here"

me-"Im sure you can fit in again and im sure you can be so much happier than you ever were with me"

-"No. I dont know what to do."

i dont know or remember what i replied

-"Well youre done with me so I guess I have to"

me-":/ im sorry it sounds terrible 'done with me' its as if you were a tissue that i wiped my big jewish nose with and threw out but you have been so much more than me & i want to do whats right & what i think is better & i just im really happy all the battles have finally ended"

and then I told him I was going to bed

-"Im gonna go think. Im not gonna sleep tonight. Night"

And that was that.

This is a conversation that went down yesterday:

-4:06 A.M. "I dont feel whole without you. I need you *broken heart* So just fuck life."

-"Omgggg that was insane, i was just having a really bad dream about you just somehow i saw you were talking to this girl & then i was like really upset over it and i just wanted it to go away i guess i didnt want you to replace me :/ im feeling a bit fuck-life-ish, especially after that nightmare i left brandon home so ive been holding onto this pillow, as i would with brandon, and as i would with you"

-"Ive been feeling very fuck life-ish. Im over life now. Im not whole without you. I couldnt even finish my pt just now. Thats how much I need you. Everythings my fault. Im just a fuck up. I guess I just forgot how much I loved you and that I couldnt live, let alone breathe without you. I lost sight of it all and focused on myself becoming a Marine. I regret it more than anything. I pray for death now."

-"Josh! Please dont pray for something as terrible as that upon yourself!!! It was a pretty big knock to my face today when you had called yourself a douchebag & were sorry for being a dick to me and then id said you arent a douchebag & you flat out told me that you never intended on starting a conversation with me, i really do appreciate & miss all the times you would say such sweet things to me such s "i couldnt live, let alone without you" Josh you are allowed to focus on becoming a marine & i am sure you will make a wonderful poolee soon, maybe today just wasnt your pt day im sure you can do better and you most likely will & i hope you feel good about yourself when you do because i know its one of the things that actually makes you happy"

-"No. I cant focus without you. I gave up at 600 pushups and 5 miles and I just collapsed, you were my inspiration, my motivation. I thought maybe by becoming a Marine youd be proud of me. And im sorry about earlier. I didnt intend to be mean or anything. I just wanted to apologize but didnt wanna bother you with a convo. Ik I dont deserve your forgiveness, and I never will. Thats why im just gonna take everything out on my body. Because I love you

-"You know i love you too & i always will, forever & always, remember? Please dont take it out on yourself & your own body, you dont deserve to treat yourself that way. You deserve every single great thing there is in the world & especially everything there is thats 100x better than me. I have been proud of you before becoming a marine & i still am, ill always be proud in someone who pursues something, tries, maybe fails but doesnt give up, and still puts in the effort; i dont see how im much of an inspiration/motivation but you know il always be here for you & i want to be"

-":'( *broken heart*"

-"Please dont cry & be heartbroken ive already caused enough pain to you i was only hoping by pulling myself out of your life youd be happpier and free and from the looks of it two day ago you were feeling not stressed anymore, please dont be sad and heartbroken please stop crying it never makes me happy knowing you're sad. Im sorry but i have to go, its already 5 in the morning im sure this cellphone light must be bothering lauren sleep & i have no idea what time she is going to knee me in the back tomorrow waking me up so i should probably go to sleep now. Turn that frown upside down please, nightie night josh"

He makes it so hard for me to let go of him. I have deleted his number but of course I will know if he texts me. I just I know I'm done with him but when he says things like this I don't know if I could ever truly be done with him. I am staying strong however, I can assure you that. :)

2nd day of Single Flow

So today was the big day that I would meet him after track at the train station to get my ipod back. I really wouldn't ask for it back, I know how passionate he is about music and now he has to suffer in the silence. :/ Also he has been using it as a stopwatch and now he cant exactly do that anymore. This is what happened. During track I had been getting really nervous, anxious, and scared to see him again. I was kind of dreading seeing him. The first thing I said was hi. He didn't say anything to me. He handed me the ipod and thanked him for it. I wondered if he would say anything. He looked at me like I was a freakin cabbage like I was nobody to him, and that when I realized why should I care about someone like that? He could've said anything, instead he says, "I don't have anything left to say to you I gave you 3 or 4 chances to change." He could've said anything but instead he was blaming me again by saying I had all the chances and you know what I'm just done with it. I don't need to be blamed all the time and I definitely don't want to be put down any longer. I was like so I guess we will just go our separate ways and he said yea. And that was it, I said bye as I walked away. I decided to walk home from the train station, which the train station is walkable from my house but its as if I'm walking to Guam. I didn't mind though, I needed it to clear my head. As I walked home I deleted each and every picture of him and any picture that reminded me of him and I also deleted him as a contact in my phone. Btw this is after a cruise day at track, I was dead but I needed the walk. Lemme just tell you I feel free & it feels wonderful.

One of my close trackies told me this:

-"LOL, the fact that he thinks your the one that has to change just shows how stupid he is. All guys are exactly the same Estee, evan was the exact same way; he thought he was right and tried to make me feel like I was wrong in everything. Don't even worry about it, your right ! :) & good I'm so proud; you could do so much better anyways & you will :)"
-"Exactly, it's not worth it; after everything, they focus on the bad parts & not the good; so they don't deserve us, Josh does NOT deserve you & good! Have fun at your party, if you need absolutely anything I'm here; I understand exactly what your going through so I'm sure I can help if its needed :)"

Afterwards, to clear my head some more, as soon as I got home I took a quick shower and got ready for Nick's surprise birthday party. It was his sweet 16 & my bestfriend Kaitlyn gave me candy yesterday from her party so I decided to give them to him. It's better than me eating Swedish fish and pixie sticks that's for sure. The party was actually alright until he texted me. Then I started to feel bothered a bit. I just I thought we were over, I don't understand what else he wants from me? The thing is I deleted him from my phone, thank god I had texts saved from him or else I wouldn't even know who was texting me. :X I figured he was so done with me since he deleted my facebook that he deleted me off of his phone too. I guess not. I so completely obnoxious to him and I actually enjoyed acting this way. I felt like he was being so spiteful & I actually kind of wanted to play that game back, but knowing me I wouldn't do that. And I didn't. Later, I realized he put up a status and I believe it is about me. "Lol. I don't know why but I kind of miss you." One of my friends said he would come rushing back to me and I didn't have any faith in that at all. I guess maybe since he actually saw me today maybe that changed his opinions maybe a bit but I don't even know. All I know is we are over, I miss him, I kind of miss us, and I am letting go. Oh, and the fact that I am free.

Day 1 of Single Flow

Well day 1 of being single is over. I haven't spoken to him the whole day and it's already 4 in the morning of the next day I'm pretty sure he won't text me :/ I will see him however for a couple seconds after track to get my ipod back. I don't know how it will go down and that does make me nervous. To see him and to know we are just, we aren't going out anymore. I feel terrible. In my mind I had thought that it would be cute to end it the way we started it with a hug, like if I were to see him just be like "we started off with a hug, can I at least get one last hug goodbye?" My bestfriend said that would make it more difficult/harder on me and that I wouldn't want to let go. She's right I wouldn't want to let go. I do just want to be closer to him but I do have to let go. I would never want to leave his arms and this saddens me. If there is a place I'd rather be right now & at any given moment, it would be in his arms. Even if we didn't say a single word to each other to just know that he wanted to be with me and that at that given moment we were 'together' I'd just love that, I'd love that so much.

What really kept me from just bursting was all the support I received today. I always knew I had friends, but I didn't know so many people cared for me. A lot of my friends, some close bestfriends, some of my trackies took the time out to comfort me, see if I was alright, talk to me, listen, and give me their opinions back. It meant a whole lot to me. I really am so grateful for that & them.

This is my conversation between a friend & I:

-"Estee it was the right decision there is no reason to stay with him if he was always mean to u that would just make things terrible for u. And u know if I could be close to u I would hold u tight until every fiber of ur body was happy again."

me -"LMAO every fiber of my body that made me smile. I just I don't even know how it happened one minute I was just done and the next it really happened we were deciding when we would meet up that way he could just give me the ipod back, I wanted to give back his teddybear, tshirt, and cellphone charger but he wouldn't take them back; I already miss him so much & now that I don't think I can see him again ever I just don't know what to do, I can fight for him the next time I see him I can say I was wrong and for us to just be together again I want him to be happy"

-"Estee don't beg for him back. U weren't right for each other. Everything was a fight and what wasn't a fight he made difficult. The little amount of time u were happy didn't make up for the nights you were texting me about to or already crying"

-"Yeah you are right, thank you you are absolutely right!! We weren't perfect for each other, at least I was never perfect for him & I always wanted to be to be honest though most of my friends have all recently became single & I noticed how much I've just been done with everything I want to be single but I'm not gonna be mackin biddies, & I don't even want to have fun with anyone I'm gonna just take some deep breathes, live my life, try to be as happy as I can, just enjoy everything and try not to miss him so much. I don't want to forget him & things maybe could've been better but whats done is done"

A close friend told me, "I'm sure you guys could of worked something out and yeah, just relax and move on, trust me there's another million guys that you'll meet and you'll find the special one!" To be honest, finding the 'special one' and meeting another million guys, I don't even want any of that. I kind of feel like if I wasn't good enough for Josh how can I be for someone else?

One of my close trackies said this to me, "Aw Estee, you are going to make me cry. First of all, never say you weren't perfect enough for him, because you were too good for him. & maybe things will turn out for the better. You guys fought a lot and I get that you miss him but maybe after a little while you will see that things are better this way. I'm so so sorry boo, and I'm always here for you"

And another close friend told me this,"U have so much going for u no guy in the world should ever put you down" She told me a relationship I should be having is fun & reckless not fighting especially not as much as we have. I feel like she's right. To be honest, I feel like a relationship is only good if both parties make each other happy, they want to see the good in each other, and they appreciate each other. At least those are the things I'd love in a relationship.

My bestfriend today told me that if I didn't want to go to track to come over her house and that we could talk and whatnot. I told her I actually wanted to go to track and that it helps me clear my head. When I came to my bestfriend's party (it was her sweet 16, we just celebrated by eating, going in the pool, and just being retarts) it was actually a ball. I knew all the girls and I could talk freely with all of them. I felt like it was okay for me to laugh and be happy and my bestfriend told me I had been handling it well. I sure hope so. I am a happy, optimistic person and I do look at the brighter side of everything and just being with them and having some fun with the girls, it helped me a whole lot. I've been tyring to keep myself as busy as I can that way I think/miss him a lot less. I have been missing him and I just didn't even want to believe the fact that I am now single. I still don't like the fact that everything is just g o n e.

I just saw that he deleted me as a friend on facebook lol. He's so smart to leave his facebook not on private. These are all the statuses pertaining to me: "Never spit shit that you wont feel." and "I gave up everything, for nothing." and "

"Take me back to how it used to be."

"Somethings never change."

"I love you<3"

"I miss you<3"

"I am starting to not be able to stand you."

"You're unbearable."

"I love all the lies."

"I go swimming and cuddle with my girlfriend, so that makes me an asshole according to her family. Good shit."

"You're fake bro(;"

"Wet towels & dirty laundry are what Estee lives for."

"Ahhhh :) I got Estee into Asking Alexandria :D Lmao"

"So much for change."

"Haha, what was I thinking dating you? I must have been tripping bawls when I asked you out."

"Out to eat with babe<3"

"It's all my fault."

"Kids these days."

"You will always be two-faced."

"So how long did I expect love to outweigh ignorance?"

"Ones not enough for you."

"Fuck this."

""Tracks over. So I wonder if there's practice today."- Estee. Because this makes sense."

"Today blew."

"To think you could of changed."

"My patience is running low."

"Some people never change."

"So annoyed."

"Why do I even try?"

":) <3"

"Oh my fucking god."

"With Estee and her family bringing Papa Braginsky to the airport."

":) <3"

"Estee is so mean to me

"I just got ganged up on by Estees family. Not cool. :("

"Estee is a mean kid."

"Estee almost just died. Lmao"

"Here with Estee(:<3"

"I love you<3"

"Well, in that case I will just go fuck myself."

"I miss Estee ):"

"Spent all day with Estee<3 Now its weird laying here alone ):"

"Hm, yeah. Estee makes me soso happy(: <3"

"Estee<3"

"I love Estee(:"

"I miss Estee ): <3"

"One would think you'd get to talk to your girlfriend. But nope, I guess not."

"On my way to Chitt for break. I'm just gonna be thinking about Estee the whole time(:"

"Oh just texting Estee till I fall asleep (:"

"So happy :) eb <3"

"You were not worth my time, at all. I'm glad I wasted my time on you. But I'm glad you've officially been replaced."

"Oh my goodness :) <3"

"The look in your eyes makes me crazy."

"So tired. So worth it(:"

I just don't even have words for any of this anymore. :/

the end 7/27/11

So I think we are done :( It does sadden me to say this. Today, he texted me "Estee hates Josh." I couldn't save any of my texts back because I didn't have enough space in my phone but I'll try to fill it in as best as I can remember. And this is how it went down:

-"Joshie no think that. Baby is just thinking crazy things. Joshie wishes baby was here making him feel better"

-"'Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge' <- im not thinking crazy things."

-"You're mad at me and don't like me"

me-"LMAO you don't care anymore. It's whatever."

-"Why should I care about you? You give me every reason not to"

-"Doesn't help when everything gets kicked/spat back in my face. Maybe someday you'll care about someone else besides yourself"

-"Lol, you don't want me anyways." <- I don't see what's so funny.

-"My mom and Staff Sergeant Nepo have been up my ass non-stop for awhile and just stressing me out. Then I turn to you for comfort and stress relief but then I remember you've been different 24/7 for the last month or 2 so then I give up. And I told you I was."

-"I've been having a lot of bad thoughts lately and I can't think straight. Going to pt clears my head and I can actually think straight, I don't know why. Maybe that's whats been changing me"

-"You don't bother me. I'm only happy when I'm with you. And I can't even go to pt anymore for a little while."

-" I just wanna get sent out, that way I won't come back"

-"Well I'm not gonna bother you anymore. I'll leave you alone now. I'm sorry."

-"You're done with me so I'll just go." <- I'll never be done with him.

-"You said we're done so I'm just gonna go for a run or go to bed or something."

-"Keep it, it would smell like you and remind me of you so keep it"

-"Just keep it. I gave it all to you because I wanted you to have it. That way a piece of me is always with you. When do you want your ipod"

-"Yeah. I don't want it back. I would see it and think of you so I'd just get rid of it. And let me know."

-"It's yours. If you want it back, you can have it. Just tell me when and where and I'll be there to give it to you then be out of your life so you won't have to deal with me."

I feel terrible, I feel like the bad guy. I wish it didn't end this way. :( I feel like there's a huge air bubble in the back of my throat that won't leave and I actually want to cry. Lauren, my bestfriend has fallen asleep on me, as usual lol, but I am laying right beside her writing this post then I'll go to bed, so I won't cry. I just I actually don't want it to be over, maybe this is the most gigantic mistake I'll ever make. Or maybe it's right. I won't know yet for sure, but I hope it's right. I'm not ready for anything anymore. I don't want anything. To be honest, I'd love to just be in his arms right now. It wont happen though :( Ill see him when he gives me back my ipod but that's about it. I really will miss him. I had a great, amazing guy.

Btw he sent me 'Je deteste toi.' 2 days ago it means 'I hate you' that's when he was just joshin around, we were joking. I think he can say it now and actually mean it.

and it's back

Dickdickdick, guess who's back? The dick is back!! He is being such a sick jerkoff! LOL he won't miss me. He clearly just said so himself  "Mmm. I cant wait to be sent off and never come back(:" For once when I am honest with him, he picks more things to put me down. What he says to me does have an affect. He thinks it's "cute how hard you try to pull off the skater/punk look lmaooo." In all honestly, yes at times I really do like the way that kind of fashion looks on me. I like the way every skater/most hipsters and whatnot are so skinny & I feel like their clothes help them be that way. I like the way their clothes are so comfy and you can do practically anything in them. I find these clothes much better to wear around than a pretty hollister/american eagle/h&m/forever21 top but I wear those too. It's not that I'm trying hard but I do care about my outside appearance. I've looked much grosser than I do now and I just care how other people see me. He claims that most people don't care what other people think of them. But I do.

This is how some of it went down:

-"It's like your trying to turn heads. I mean ik your boy crazy and all, but really estee?"

just sayin, you're* trying and you're* boy crazy

me -"I am not doing this for boys, I dress the way I dress for myself. I don't curl my hair to school. I don't wear makeup. I bum it to school numerous times and especially on days when I have track meets, which is a whole lot! I like looking decent though, to school, wherever, it just makes me feel a little bit better in myself."

-"you are boy crazy. You can't even say you're not because everything you do contradicts that." I'm not sure what this 'everything I do' is but sure.

me -"okay" I was neither agreeing or disagreeing. I just didn't want to turn this into a fight, it clearly already started.

-"Live in your denial. See where that gets you" Lol what denial? 
me-"I wasn't agreeing or disagreeing, all I said was okay"

-"I just shake my head at you and laugh" Who says that to someone!? I just, why!??!

me -"thanks?" How stupid am I? I should'ave told him it bothered me that he would say something like that to me. It feels wonderful when someone you love/care about says something like that to you. NO, it doesn't it really doesn't! It feels terrible/ awful/ no good/ very bad. I hope no one ever has to hear or feel something like this ever in their life.

-"No problem :)" cough dick cough cough

me -"You are probably the last person I'd want laughing at me instead of with me. Either way I'm glad I amuse you" Like doesn't he see that I'm bothered, maybe just the slightest bit?

-"Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge"

me -"What do you mean?"

-"Just as it sounds"

me -"I'll stop talking to you then if it will keep you from getting closer to the edge I bet it will help" I just want him to be safe & happy, if me being out of his life does that than I'm glad. I mean I probably won't be happy about it but I'll be happy he is at least happy. That's all I ever wanted.

-"Lol, idc anymore. It's whatever."

So yea, he is back in my phone as "DON'T TEXT" and I'm not planning on texting him back anytime soon, maybe not ever. Hopefully soon though... ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh but it didn't end there:

-"Mmm. I cant wait to be sent off and never come back(:"

I just want him to be happy, I just I guess I'm not something that keeps him happy anymore. I know he doesn't need me, maybe he still loves me? Oh wait, he doesn't care anymore, it's whatever so obviously not. Just lovely.

I feel like now that he has gotten to know me, now that he has seen all my flaws, my mistakes and, everything bad in me, that that's all he sees in me. That that's all I am, just those horrible traits that I have. I mean I know I'm not perfect and that there's a very slim chance I could ever be perfect for someone but still am I any better than just those bad things? Probably not, but I wish I was.

Also before all this was, he had asked me what I thought about if he was gone and this is what I said: "No, because that would really make me upset to know I wouldn't have you anymore to know you were just gone, like who would teach me to make a grilled cheese? Or make fun of my music? Who'd I spend my Fridays with and always want to cuddle, kiss, dance, and hug? Who'd I text so much and always want to be with? All I'd be left with would be dreams of wanting and needing to be with you again :/ I wouldn't be satisfied until I could get the real thing, I just couldn't imagine my life without you especially after 5months 2weeks and 3days I just love you and nobody could replace you and I just want us always & forever"

DONE.

I think I'm done. I'm serious. Someone I love and care about the most has just told me, "go fuck yourself and die, scumbag." This makes me feel like I really shouldn't exist. Of course I would never take my life, I value life and happiness far too much. It just makes me feel terrible. My heart completely sank when he said that.

Today, July18th-19th, I just felt like he was acting weird, like evil. So, I was like I'm gonna see Harry Potter today. He was like "I can tell you're excited" and then he was like "you were making a big deal about it last time kind of acting like a little kid if they don't get what they want, haha." And then he said, "you gotta have what you want or you get upset." I'm pretty sure I said something along the lines of  'I wasn't upset'. After that, he said," that's how you were acting so I was like "leave it to me to date the 5 year old." And then I said, "the 5 year old is going to leave you alone now." That was at about 2:40. He is still in my phone as "DON'T TEXT" and I'm not planning on changing this anytime soon. He asked me what was wrong at 2:41 and I didn't answer. At 2:47, he said "lmao you're mad at me for how you were acting. peace then." That was 2:47 in the pm.

At 2:59am mind you, he texted me "Night." I didn't answer. Then at 3:09, he texts me "K.Whatever.Bye bitch." Why should I answer to this? I would've considered answering but he is just being so mean, there's no reason for me to. At 3:24, he texts me "K.Bye, bitch" once again he is calling me names. God, I would never say something like this to him, NEVER. I guess he is mad but I really I just want an apology for saying what he said for calling me a 5 year old before. I feel like he really doesn't appreciate me and that he doesn't appreciate talking to me :(

I've never gone too far without sending him anything but this time I was completely serious and I hadn't said a single word to him and this really got to him.

At 3:24am, I texted him "What? Goodnight josh, good luck tomorrow" as you can see I am still being nice, even when he is being this way to me. I also sarcastically texted him "Because calling me names is always lovely, thank you it means so much to me, it touches me dearly, your words strike me like a bullet" I know he will never realize just how much what he says to me affects me and I was being so stupidly sarcastic but I just don't even know anymore. He had texted me back at 3:27 "To be honest. I dont give a fuck. You really are a bitch. I want you to know that. I'm glad that it means a lot to you." Ok 1. I cannot stand cursing. 2. I can't stand name calling. 3. I can't stand that this has all been directed towards me! I feel like he is trying so hard to hurt me, the truth is, it's working. I had texted back in my non-confrontational way as always "How the hell am I.. I'm not even going to ask, I'm going to go back to bed, good night" I don't want to fight. I wanted him to think that I've been sleeping all this time and that I had only awoken to one of his last texts but I bet that didn't work. And then came the "Go fuck yourself and die, scumbag."

I just I'm done.

How can you go back to someone that has said that to you? And he believes it and means every single word of it. I just as of right now I don't see how it's possible. To be honest, I don't think I ever will. I don't think I know him anymore. I don't think I want to know him anymore. It's not like I don't want to spend every given moment with him, because I do, and I don't think that feeling is going to go away but I just feel like he deserves better. If he sees me as this 'scumbag' this 'bitch' this whatever it is bad, then what good am I to him? You know I feel like I try. I feel like I'm nice to him even when he is at his worse, even when he has said worse to me. And I just I kinda want to break free from this. This may possibly be my chance to. I want him to be happy but I don't see him being happy with me. I cherish all our happy times, I am constantly reminded and am thinking and reminiscing about them but the dark, the bad times, they come back. They haunt me. They spring back faster than the wing movement of a hummingbird, and if you've ever seen a hummingbird that's pretty damn fast. But you know what's faster than the springing back of the fighting of the battles? It's his words. They do hit me, they circle through my brain, they keep me up, and they knock me down.

I don't know what to do. Right now, I really just want to be far away from him. You know that if I never make a cautious effort I never have to see him? Most of my friends really don't like him and they have seen me, they have seen me when he says the things he says and how he affects me. They see that I appreciate him and that I feel he doesn't appreciate me back. I can never tell him anything like this though, I don't want to hurt him. I thought when you care about someone, when someone means something to you, all you want is for them to be happy, no matter what. At least that's what I've tried to do. I've failed numerous times, I've screwed up countless times.

Maybe that's life, but I'd like to live my life happily. Sometimes, I really think I was happier without him. I do, and that makes me really sad because I love him, I love how happy he makes me, and I love him in my life. I don't want this to be gone, but it's just been crumbling and I don't feel like I can pick it all up. I feel like we may possibly turn into ghosts, that if we ever see each other again we will just see right through each other.

No, I very much don't want it to be all gone. But what can I do, I can't care anymore than I do. Maybe I'll just kill myself from his life for a while. A while meaning however long it takes for him to forget me. I couldn't dare force myself to forget him, but he has done it before. He has had girlfriends before, he has been a big boy and gotten over each and every one of them. I'll just be another 'slut' or 'whore' or 'bitch' or 'scumbag' to his collection. I don't believe that I was ever perfect in his eyes. I don't care about perfection, I care about happiness. I care that we are both happy. Him more so than myself but whatever.

Hey, I guess it's all done with. I wish him good luck on his big test tomorrow. I hope he passes considering how much the marines means to him. I send him my kisses & warmth from deep in my heart, where he will always be a piece of me, and a great memory.

I'm surprised I'm not crying right now, I feel torn, I feel done with, not appreciated, and just useless but I'm not crying. I'd like to, I want to burst into tears, I have this aching feeling but I can't start crying. Of course I have to go on, I'll take my track team twice as seriously now. I'll appreciate all my friends more & appreciate every lovely, happy second with them. I enjoy my time at track and with my friends so much and will definitely continue enjoying it. Maybe I'm done, but I'm never over.

I am really liking the sound of the band, The Script right now. I guess they make me feel a bit better, they're a more depressing band, in my book, that is, considering I don't like to listen to depressing music at all.

I'd like to say that I'm going to fall asleep tonight not happy. But the suns going to rise as it usually does, the day will go on, it will fade into darkness and into the night eventually and I'm going to put along. I'm not going to tear myself, break myself down any longer. Maybe I can be strong, at least I'm going to attempt it.

I just wish he'd know I care about him, always.

I love him, forever & always.

And that he means something and he will never stop meaning something to me.

I don't expect us to be friends and right now I do feel like we are broken up although it is not 'facebook official' yet. I'll make it facebook official when I wake up this morning. Maybe he isn't the only one out there for me, although he has been the only one to ever pursue me, but I always hoped he'd always be there for me. He isn't here for me now, at least I know he doesn't want to be. He'd rather me be dead. That's not love, that's hate right there. I wish he didn't hate me. But I deserve it, I haven't been the best girlfriend and before he has told me that I have been one of his worst. He's been my first, I won't compare any other guy to him ever but I can say he has left his mark on me.

Goodbye Josh. Goodbye Joshie. Goodbye my big ole teddybear, my oldie, my rebel, my mushball, my babe, my silly palm tree.. and many many more, god there's so many. But goodbye.

You know what, he is a flat out dick sometimes. He really can be a sick jerk. There's no one I'd rather be with or talk to or anything besides him at any given moment but when I'm with friends or having fun or am being happy without him it's a whole other story. Many times I don't know what to say to him but I still want to talk to him. I don't care if it makes no sense or whatever as long as we are exchanging conversation, I honestly don't care what it is as long as I know he is happy on the other side. Sometimes I feel like me being happy doesn't matter at all to him. Do I want him to treat me better? I would never ask him to, so that is such a rhetorical question.

I like the way I can find comfort in music or even this (writing that is) when I am most upset, at least I can get it all down here. I wish he could see how he affects me, because he does so much. Did I ever mention that he is so ridiculous at times?

Today, July 16th to be exact, was one of my best friend's (and she is also one of my wonderful trackies) birthday (her birthday is really the 19th but she is lucky & is going to have the time of her life in Disney that day so today we celebrated her birthday). We took the x1 bus from the Eltingville Transit Center to 42nd street in the city and then walked to Madame Toussads Wax Museum. I had already been to a Madame Toussad's in Washington D.C., New Jersey, and Canada so this really wasn't anything new. I always think the wax sculptures will blink or come to life at any given second. Then, we had walked to Times Square which always amuses me. We went into M&M World, the Hershey store across the street from the M&M store, American Eagle, the 4-floored Forever 21 (now that was pure bliss). I always dreamed that someday people can pick from 3-5 stores to send them all their latest clothes & that they could pick and choose which ones they'd like to wear and then send the rest back. Right now if I had to pick 3 stores to send me all their clothes it would be American Eagle, Forever 21, and Hollister. I just love the clothes & quality in all these stores. I love New York City. I love the city. It really is one of the places I truly enjoy.

But anyways, on the bus ride to NYC, I tried talking to him. I had made the mistake of re-asking him what he was going to be doing today in hopes of maybe starting a conversation maybe it was too early or whatever but I could already tell he didn't want to talk to me and this already made me upset. Of course I had fun with Brianna, Lucia, Joe, Stef, Kim, and Briana but I knew that back in his Staten Island home my boyfriend wasn't happy and he was doing nothing in particular. He had told me "Good thing I already told you.", when I asked and I just knew I made a mistake then and there. As soon as he starts texting with periods I already know he isn't happy, plus he missed pt that morning so I'm sure he wasn't happy :/. I'm not sure what I wrote but then after that he had texted back "That's saying something right there." and I probably said something like I'm going to text you later or when I am on the bus on the way back or on my way home and I love you or something, I had wanted to talk to him but I just knew I was bothering him and I only want to make him happy no matter what so I just sent that. He sent me back "Please don't. I don't wanna talk to you. And idc. Bye." Well ouch :(

This is our conversation it has been about 2ish in the morning:

I sent him a picture of the lorax because I liked it & it reminded me of him and us.

-"Nice."

me -"I just saw it and missed you and talking to you but I'll go now"

-"you dont have to. Idc."

me -"I don't want to bother you"

-"you're not"

me -"oh okay I hope not I just wanted to talk to you all day, but after what you last wrote me I kept telling myself I shouldn't and to just leave you alone"

-"Idr what I even said."

me -"Please don't. I don't wanna talk to you. And idc. Bye."

-"Good shit :)" stupid smiley face, that's not something to be happy about, when he said that he actually hurt me, but okay I'm glad that made him smile I guess that's all I really wanted was for him to be happy

me -"Yea it sure felt great seeing that from someone I care about and love, I'm sure it would give you warm, fuzzy feelings inside if I ever said something like that to you"

-"Mmm, it would give me butterflies<3"

me -"Why are you being like this" honestly, all I wanted to do was call him a jerk or dick because I really felt like that was what he was being but knowing me I would never do something like that to him

-"Like what?"

me -"I don't even know forget I said anything, I'm going to bed early night josh" I did know, I knew exactly what he was being he was being such a jerk to me and I figured he would realize something was bothering me considering I never go to bed early (that's not me) and I never just say night josh I say nightie night josh<3 or nightie night joshie<3..

-"Good. Goodnight kid." <- way to not be a jerk?

After a while, I had texted him something because I saw one of his texts that I hadn't seen before and realized that he was going to upstate that same day! I had asked him if he had went and then this started:

me -"I'd never go to bed this early"

-"Oh so you lied again. You haven't went to bed. Leave it to Estee" <- the Leave it to Estee always amuses me, he has recently been using it in all our fights and it bothers me too

me -"Yea I know" that's me not showing how much it bothers me

-"There;s another lie for the books. That's what you do best. So by all means."

me -"No it's not what I do best but I just I didn't want to hear you being so mean to me anymore" that's pretty much the nice way to say 'I am about to cry, you have been a jerk'

-"Nope. That's what you do best. Who knows what other lies there are."

me -"My only other lie was that I had wanted to see Harry Potter but I didn't want to leave you or be anywhere without you." <- that's completely true btw

-"Idk if thats the only one."

me -"It is"

-"Doubt it"

me -"I'm not lying about anything else!" he's annoying me now

-"We'll see" ughhh

me -"I'm glad because I have nothing to hide"

-"They always catch up to you. So dont worry. We'll see"
me -"good thing I actually have been good, I have kept my word, I have not spoken to one of my best guy friends that has been there for me through a lot and I never will again, I have been completely faithful"

-"You said that before too"

me -"Okay I mean it now"

-"Said many things that eventually I saw were untrue."

me -"And I'm truthful & faithful now" I am and I have been!!!!

-"You just lied right there. Lol. " (that wasn't funny) "And it doesn't help that you're very sketchy. That one went right over your head."

me-"No I didn't I'm completely honest"

-"What did you expect from this relationship when we first started dating? Like did you just look at it as something fun or did you want it to be serious?"

me -"I had liked you as my bestfriend and I wanted to be with you and to be there for you as I hoped you would be for me I figured we could make each other happy considering how happy we were making each other as bestfriends. I did/do take it seriously, I've never treated this as a game. Yes I made a stupid mistake but I had never intended for it to hurt you. All in all no matter what I just want you to be happy."

-"Kind of seems like you take it like a joke sometimes"

me- "I don't take our relationship as a joke ever"

and the fighting continues..

and then it turned out he wasn't going to upstate..

and the fighting had stopped & the making up began..

and you know why I do this? It's because I love him. I cherish every single happy moment we have together. I guess I deal with it because I don't want to lose him. I just want him to be happy. I want to make him happier. Hes always saying how selfish I am and no matter what I'd rather sacrifice anything to make sure that he is happy and that we are together. I know when he really is happy he makes me happy. I hold onto every single bit of happiness we share.